A welcome addition to the world of Twitter last week was that of Carlton Cole. While most Hammers players tweet about God or their favourite ITV2 show, Carlton actually offers some interesting insights into life at West Ham – as well as anecdotes about losing his front door keys.
Having missed out on the win at Blackpool, he couldn’t wait to congratulate the players – especially his fellow strikers – and, significantly, the fans. Carlton has often been used as a scapegoat by a minority of supporters, despite frequently being left isolated up front and given minimal service. One of the few good things that Gianfranco Zola did at West Ham was to unlock his potential and it is frustrating to see him struggle for goals at a time when there is such a lack of quality English frontmen.
Topics discussed in his tweets so far include cleaning (he refuses to have a cleaner), Julien Fauxpas’ new haircut (including photo) and his mum’s new fiancé.
He is also refreshingly funny and self-deprecating. This was posted in the run up to the Blackpool game: “Cant wait 2 c da line-up 4 nxt game, might b a few changes. Might av 2 do a few chores to get in! I might start wit collectin in da cones!”
And then on transfer deadline day, he allayed any fears that he was on his way to Newcastle: “Hey Tweeps! Im @ home chillin with my feet up watching conan da barbarian! So no, im not in a helicopter goin anywhere! Im scared of heights”.
Wednesday night’s victory at Bloomfield Road was the first test of the success or otherwise of January’s transfer dealings. It proved to be quite enlightening.
While Robbie Keane demonstrated why we are putting off learning the lessons of Eggert Magnusson’s liberal salary policy, the presence of Gary O’Neil allowed LBM and Kovac to maintain their rightful place on the subs bench.
On the flip side, the defensive frailties were all too clear and begged the question why, after just one clean sheet in the last 12 league games, was bolstering the defence not made more of a priority.
Robbie Keane wasted little time making his mark. It’s always good to have a player that allows you to chant “Keano”. We have had to make do with “Greeno” for the last few years and, let’s be honest, it’s not the same. We really should have made more of Kevin Keen’s continued presence on the payroll.
Incidentally, since 2000 only Thierry Henry and Frank Lampard have scored more Premier League goals than Keane, so all in all he may just prove to be a rather useful acquisition.
Meanwhile, Demba Ba - a player so good they named him one and a half times - has also added to the attacking options. Demba was quick to learn that West Ham don’t make information public through the usual channels and therefore took it upon himself to announce his arrival on his own website. Incidentally, his twitter persona is said to be fictitious. Or so Carlton tells me.
And then there’s Wayne Bridge. Some people would say he is international class. Some people would argue he is Championship class. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle which, for now, means he has probably found his level at West Ham. A debut which made Jonathan Woodgate’s first outing at Real Madrid look like a flying start, has been followed by subsequent solid performances. But, let’s face it, anything’s better than watching Tal Ben-Haim experimenting unsuccessfully with his left foot.
It is difficult to know who exactly to praise/blame for our transfer policy. Avram? Sullivan? Wayne Bridge’s agent? For those that don’t turn out so well, it may be just as easy to blame Karren Brady who announced through the quality medium of the Sun that we didn’t sign Steve Sidwell since we already had enough midfielders. But Karren, doesn’t the subsequent signing of Gary O’Neil mean you were talking bollocks. Eh? Oh.
Brady proves that old adage that too many tweets make a twat. Her sole use of Twitter is self promotion. This week was a case in point as she retweeted the drivel of her sycophantic followers: “Thank u for joining our roundtable discussion on the rise of female entrepreneurs today @karrenbrady...your input was invaluable as always!” ... “@KarrenBrady absolutely respected what you said today, what a great inspiration for women everywhere”. Yeah, do me a favour love.
Still, there’s always Pablo Barrera. Pablito, as he calls himself, tweets in Spanish so I have never been able to understand his musings. I just assume that he’s talking about his inability to run. Turns out he’s generally commenting on how cold it is. “Q frioooo hace”. Yes Pablo. It’s cold.
But perhaps the last word should go to Carlton (well, it’s not going to Andy Gray anymore, is it). “At stansted airport ready to take off in the oldest plane! Im never comfortable on this plane!” Sergeant Bosco Albert Baracus would have been proud.
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