Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio ...

The deadline for renewing my season ticket has passed and my bank account is not £800 lighter. This means that for the first time in four years – the four years in which I have written this blog – I am no longer a West Ham season-ticket holder. As entertaining as the ramblings of an armchair supporter might be, I do not wish to be that person. Like Frank McAvennie, I want to go out on a high.

It was in the weeks after the previous World Cup that I scoured the internet trying to find a decent West Ham blog to follow. When my search proved fruitless, I decided to do it myself. I didn’t expect to last the season, let alone four years.

Since then, it feels like a week hasn’t passed without a new West Ham blog appearing. Some, but not many, are quite good. Iron Views is very innovative and I admire Liam’s entrepreneurship. By contrast, Love in the Time of Collison was always supposed to be a bit niche. It was aimed at those people who had the patience to read 1,000 words that they did not necessarily agree with. In this respect I like to think the blog retained a certain USP.

It is not that I ever played devil’s advocate, but I was determined to avoid stating the obvious, sitting on the fence or parroting what the rest of Twitter had to say. This was perhaps best exemplified by my refusal to participate in and promote a poll on Sam Allardyce which I deemed to be counter-productive.

What I will miss most is the pleasure of writing about my experience of following the club I love. Relegation in 2011 was hard but Avram’s incompetence gave me plenty of material. Life in the Championship reacquainted us with the sensation of success and of Wembley. Two years back in the Premier League has at times felt like a slog but it has produced some truly memorable moments. Some people scoff at the club producing a mug to commemorate three wins over Spurs in one season. I would argue a mug has never been made for a worthier cause.

And so to the thank yous.

Thanks to Steve Mawhinney, an early adopter who deemed my blog worthy of regularly sharing with his followers. It was a great source of encouragement to have people such as Steve and others from the real world of media – Jacob Steinberg, Piers Newbery, Nigel Morris, Ben Lyttleton, Kieran Long – following me.

Thanks to Sean Whetstone for sharing every blog with his 17,000 followers. This was vital in allowing my blog to gain traction.

Massive thanks to Chris, James and Graeme at KUMB for inviting me on to the KUMB podcast. We are lucky to have people in our ranks who can produce such quality output.

And thanks to these people for simply being great fun to interact with – Andi, Ben, Joe, Big George (aka @andilikesmash, @twistandshout, @Joseph100200 and @SGFMann) and everyone else I have followed (of which there were not that many, so do feel honoured).

Someone I followed but who never followed back also deserves a thank you – David Gold. You only have to look at the worries of fans in Cardiff, Leeds and Hull to remember how murky the world of football ownership is. You don’t have to agree with everything your owners do to appreciate you’re luckier than most. I had the pleasure of meeting him once. He is sincere and a gentleman.

Special thanks to When Saturday Comes for publishing my work both online and in print.

Thank you to the Collison brigade – Alfie, Carly and co – for following. Your brother will be missed by everyone at West Ham.

But most of all thanks to everyone who enjoyed reading the blog.

Irons.

2013/14 review - A very severe case of second season syndrome

Another Tottenham match, another victory.

Throughout the 2013/14 season, football fans were tortured by a Barclays advert featuring the ‘I can’t stop loving you’ song over the top of shots of Premier League supporters watching their team. It was ironic that West Ham fans should feature so prominently, when in reality most could not have felt less love for their club. This season will be remembered as the one where the team were booed off after winning.

The only new permanent signing since the end of the previous season, who wasn't a freebie, was Stewart Downing. The lack of investment was telling. The budget was blown on retaining Andy Carroll who because of injury did not feature until midway through the season. In the meantime, Allardyce struggled to find an alternative system. He persevered with Modibo Maiga for a time before admitting defeat. He then switched to a bizarre strikerless system. It worked to devastating effect in a 3-0 away win at Tottenham, but thereafter West Ham were predictable and easy to play against.

A winter of discontent saw the team win just one league match in December and January. There was embarrassment in the cups with a 5-0 defeat to Nottingham Forest in the third round of the FA Cup and a 9-0 aggregate defeat to Manchester City in the League Cup semi final. Just 14,390 fans turned up for the second leg at Upton Park.

An unlikely draw at Stamford Bridge proved to be the catalyst for a change in fortune, with West Ham winning the following four matches. Jose Mourinho described Sam Allardyce’s tactics as “19^th century”. It was a rare occasion when Hammers fans jumped to the manager’s defence.

The relationship between manager and fans deteriorated rapidly. Fielding a team full of rookies in the Forest match was a step too far for many. Having assembled a fairly average squad, Allardyce felt the best way to reverse a poor first half of the season was to play every game, regardless of the opposition, negatively.

West Ham were in the relegation zone at the start of February but finished the season seven points clear, suggesting that Big Sam had got it right. But the lack of entertainment was too much for many fans to stomach. The tension reached a head at the end of an abysmal home game against ten-men Hull City. The team scraped an undeserved victory. The fans booed the team off, with Allardyce unwisely cupping his ear at them in retaliation.

The remainder of the season – much like the rest – was dominated by talk of whether he should remain as manager. Much of the criticism was justified. From some corners, though, it was disproportionate and spiteful. The atmosphere amongst some sections of the fans was nothing short of poisonous.

Sadly, it took the tragic death of Dylan Tombides to put all that into perspective. Many of us had been under the impression that he was getting the better of cancer. Depressingly, that was not the case. No defeat or relegation has ever made me cry. Dylan’s death did. What more can you say. Rest in peace, Dylan.

The highlight of the season was undoubtedly three victories against Tottenham. I am pleased to say I witnessed every one. Each was special in its own way, but it was hard to rival the 3-0 win in the league match at White Hart Lane. A better awayday I have never had.

The ugly anti-Semitic chants of previous seasons were notable by their absence. This time it was Spurs fans who were in trouble as the authorities clamped down on the Y word. In another West Ham match, Nicolas Anelka was punished for a “Quenelle” gesture, a salute that carries anti-Semitic connotations. How refreshing for us to have the moral high ground for once.

Other noteworthy moments included ex-player Tomas Hitzlsperger coming out as gay, the dirty tactics of pantomime villain Chico Flores, the release of Ravel Morrison on loan to QPR and a rather spectacular goal from the halfway line from Wayne Rooney.

So how was it for me? Honestly? It was awful. The hopeless away defeats at Crystal Palace and West Bromich Albion are particularly hard to shake off. But failing to enjoy victories, such as the Norwich City game, was a new and unwelcome experience.

The prominence of social media in football began to feel like a largely negative influence. It has brought me into contact with many good people – special thanks to Chris and James for inviting me onto the KUMB podcast not once but twice. But the Twitter landscape is dominated by people who are only supporters in name – who positively thrive on any piece of negativity.

This blogger was the only one not to take part in promoting an online poll about whether Allardyce should remain as manager. I gave my reasons via a polite and, what I believed to be, constructive email. There was no response. Instead, I was labelled a “prat” in a blog by the person behind the poll.

Can I continue to contribute to the commentary of West Ham on social media, while retaining my love for the club? I’m not sure I can. My favourite tweeter of West Ham is @twistandshout. Nowadays he doesn’t bother, such is the bile one has to wade through. The idiots are winning.

I have been counting down the end of the season for some time. I think the one thing that unites us all is a relief that it’s finally over. It’s hard to predict what the future will bring while so much uncertainty reigns. But I believe there is undeniable potential for this club to progress. We have survived second-season syndrome. Some positive activity in the transfer market could take us a step in the right direction. But it was ever thus.

Why my blog isn't carrying Iain Dale's poll

Iain Dale's email

Hi all,

Some of you will have seen Sam Allardyce on Goals on Sunday dismissing the view of West Ham fans on the social media. He reckons we’re a tiny minority. I think we should all test that.

I don’t think petitions have much effect, and they sometimes look a bit desperate. I wondered about us all recommending our readers to take part in a simple one question poll – “Should Sam Allardyce be retained as manager of West Ham for the 2014-15 season?”  - yes, or no. Clearly Gold and Sullivan have a decision to take at the end of the season. I think they would welcome a poll, which they clearly can’t run themselves, but which maybe tens of thousands of supporters would take part in. But this is only worth doing if we all take part. Each of us doing it independently won’t work. I have already been in touch privately with one or two of you to check this is a go-er.

I use the SurveyMonkey polling software which only allows people to vote once. It’s as foolproof as it can be. I have set up a poll with the following questions….

1.       Should Sam Allardyce be retained as manager of West Ham for the 2014-15 season?

2.       How often do you go to home games

3.       Where do you live?

4.       What is your age?

5.       Which site did you come to this survey from? (gives all participating site names)

The poll is already in draft on SurveyMonkey. If you have any queries, suggested amendents etc, just email me by return. Copy and paste this link into your browser and you will see how it will look. [link deleted]

DO NOT PUT THE SURVEY LIVE ON YOUR SITE yet please. If possible we should all put it live on our sites at the same time. I suggest midday on Thursday 24 April.

Please confirm your site’s participation and I will add your site name to the participants list on the front page.

For the record, this needs to be seen as a joint initiative. Nowhere will I say that it is from me or West Ham Till I Die. When the poll goes live I suggest that we all run a similar text, although every site should feel free to amend it. I will draft something tomorrow.

All feedback welcome.

Kind regards

Iain Dale

West Ham Till I Die

My reply

Hi Iain

Thanks for your email.

I am not in favour of such a poll and therefore won't be putting the link on my site.

I believe the owners already have a pretty good gauge of supporters' opinion, which previous polls have suggested is ambivalent. I think another poll will simply demonstrate the same thing (or perhaps a 60:40 split one way or the other depending on the result of the next match, such is the fickle nature of football). If it were the case that the vast majority of fans wanted Sam Allardyce out and the owners were not listening then I might support such a poll - but I don't think that's the case.

This exercise will serve to foster the belief amongst a section of fans that there are irreconcilable differences between themselves and the club's management, which requires them to resort to polls telling the board how they need to act. This notion of "them and us" is not in anyone's interests.

Of course it is important that the voice of the fans is heard, but is that not already the case? They express their opinions at matches, through social media, through radio phone ins, through the Supporters Advisory Board and through a million different internet forums.

There also appears to me to be one or two flaws with such a poll. While the concept of filtering results by how often the participant attends matches does have a certain attraction, there is no way of knowing how genuine the responses are. More importantly, a 'yes or no' question seems to me inappropriate for what is not a black-and-white issue. Many fans, like myself, would answer the first question with an answer along the lines of, "it really depends what the realistic alternatives are".

Sorry to not be of help.

Kind regards

Neil

I'm giving up my season ticket. Here's why.

My mind was made up before the Crystal Palace match. If I had to pinpoint the exact moment I knew I wouldn’t renew my season ticket for a fifth season, then I'd guess it was some time during the Norwich City match in February.

That's right. A game that we won 2-0 was the trigger. For this has been the season when even winning (which we have done on the minimum required number of occasions) became boring.

Regular readers of this blog will know that for the past three years I have largely been a supporter of Sam Allardyce: I greeted his arrival in the summer of 2011; a year later I backed him to be the next David Moyes (back when such a sentiment was a compliment); I urged the club to renew his contract at the end of last season; and I backed him during tough times this year, both in November and again in January. If there is anyone who has written more words in praise of Allardyce I would like to meet them (what a fascinating pair we would make).

But the 2013/14 season has been one like no other I have experienced during my 25 years as a fan. My enduring image will be one of a defender – let’s say James Collins – clipping a 60-yard pass in the vague direction of a solitary Modibo Maiga, Carlton Cole or Andy Carroll. More often than not the opposition centre halves mop up the danger. Sometimes the striker flicks it on to no one. Sometimes he holds the ball up only to realise he has no support. Sometimes he holds it up and finds a pass. Occasionally this pass might result in an attack and, even more occasionally, a goal.

And that's what watching Allardyce's team has felt like this season. Percentages. We accept that the majority of a typical game will contain minimal attacking football. It’s a system that has nothing to do with entertainment and everything to do with grinding down the opposition. Often it is very ineffective, as was the case at the weekend. The best you can hope for is to nick a goal and three points – something you could have witnessed via Teletext and still derived the same amount of pleasure.

We spent a quarter of the season playing without a striker. That actually happened.

We almost never attack in numbers. When we do attack it is in the same predictable way: move the ball slowly to the wings and hope that Stewart Downing or Matt Jarvis can find some space to make a cross. Ravel Morrison appeared to offer the perfect opportunity to bring some creativity and an element of surprise to the centre of midfield. Instead he was stationed in front of the defence, before being shipped out on loan to QPR.

Match of the Day pundits will tell you that as a West Ham fan this is the most you can hope for. Messrs Shearer and Savage do not offer any further analysis, refusing to accept that fans, in return for a £900 season ticket, would like to be entertained. It must be easy to have that attitude when, far from paying to watch football yourself, you're being paid by the rest of us to do so.

While I hold Allardyce responsible for what happens on the pitch, the lack of pleasure I derive from the matchday experience isn't just down to him. I have become equally disillusioned with my fellow fans. Telling him to "f*ck off ", as has been the case by a large section of supporters at several games this season, is completely disproportionate and verges on a paranoia that he is trying to sabotage the club.

He is a capable manager who is doing what he thinks right. Over three years, in terms of results, he has largely delivered. Fans are quick to blame him for the bad times but never was he given sufficient credit for promotion at the first time of asking and a mid-table Premier League finish, also at the first time of asking. I have often considered our fans to be the best there are. Many now seem to me as fickle and hateful as all the rest.

Every time I hear someone mention Ron Greenwood or John Lyall as a juxtaposition to Allardyce I feel more and more alienated. The past is the past. The game has changed – if only because there’s more to lose from being relegated. It is not the fault of Brian Clough's predecessors that Forest have not won the European Cup in the last 20 years. Similarly, anyone who thinks West Ham continued playing the beautiful game between Lyall's reign and Allardyce's is quite simply wrong.

In fact, many of those fans have more in common with the man they abuse than they know. One blogger yesterday issued a poll asking that eternally stupid question: what is more important – results or entertainment? Since when were the two mutually exclusive? Since when was a failure to retain possession the best way to three points?

Many fans now prefer to mock the team, than support them. ‘How shit must you be, we’re winning away/at home’, was funny the first time, not the hundredth time. Bizarrely, one of the few supportive chants this year has been for Mo Diame, a player who has been ineffective all season and who has publicly stated his desire to leave.

I give up.

I harbour no resentment towards Sam. He took over a squad that was a shambles and he instilled much-needed discipline. He has the players playing in a way he believes to be right. He doesn't see a better way of playing or of evolving the current squad. Personally, I still hope for better. I would like nothing more than for him to prove me wrong – but I no longer think he will. His favourite excuse for playing negatively is that he has to play a certain way to counter the opposition, whether it’s Chelsea or ten-men Hull City. This fails to explain why the rest of the division do not play the same way.

Going to West Ham matches has got in the way of my love for the club. I resent the time and money I spend to watch unattractive, negative football in a negative atmosphere. If I spare myself the effort and expense of being a season-ticket holder, I may just learn to feel more supportive again.

Some of the anti-Allardyce sentiment flying around is based on long-running agendas. Some of it is spiteful and nasty. I do not want to be associated with that. I am, to use the word so often associated with Allardyce, a pragmatist. The current conditions are such that I want a break. I look forward to the day I come back.

Modern West Ham is rubbish

A moment that may well define Sam Allardyce's relationship with the West Ham fans

As the final whistle sounded on Wednesday evening, it signalled three precious points for West Ham and near certain assurance of another season in the Premier League. The crowd roared in delight. The sound of “Sam Allardyce’s claret and blue army” could be heard for miles around. It felt good to be a West Ham fan.

As you know, that didn’t actually happen. The team left the field, having defeated Hull City 2-1, to the sound of boos from their own supporters.

Do fans have the right to boo their own team? Is winning all that matters? Does the attitude of fans influence a team’s performance? Discussing the state of West Ham this week has felt like one big horrible radio phone-in.

What fans of other clubs forget when they pass judgement on the actions of others is that it’s not they who dedicate large amounts of their time to watch that team. The ethos that winning is all that matters is a lot easier to argue if you do not actually watch the team in question and are therefore indifferent to how entertaining they are.

During the 2013/14 season the quality of football under Allardyce has deteriorated significantly. Aside from the two Tottenham away matches, I struggle to think of a game that was at all memorable. I am as pragmatic as the next person but, yes, I am here to be entertained. If you told me that watching West Ham would from now on always be like this, I would find something else to do with my time.

And yet, I cannot begin to empathise with those people who booed a West Ham team that had just won a game of football. I get the frustration. I really do. But if at the final whistle – a moment that signifies victory for the team you support – your gut reaction is one of antipathy towards the players, then you have ceased to be a partisan supporter. You are now simply a paying customer, a consumer, devoid of a sense of tribalism, no different to someone in the audience of a play or a film.

Do you have the right to boo? Absolutely. No one is questioning your right. You have the right to turn on the team, to not bother backing them, to chant negative songs. It’s just that, in the true sense of the word, you are no longer a fan. You are closer to a neutral spectator than you are a West Ham United supporter.

This won’t last forever. That’s why I am not looking for something else to do with my time. But I now have little faith that this team will evolve in the way it needs to under Allardyce. I hope that I’m wrong. I hope the board gives him the financial backing he requires this summer, and then we’ll see.

What I do know is I cannot wait for this season to be over. Everything about it has been rubbish.

Tenuous tune of the week: Phoenix, Entertainment

One big happy West Ham family again

It will be sad to say goodbye to February. After Jannus Horribilus, February was the month that just kept giving. Four wins. No draws. No defeats. 19 goals were conceded in January, compared to just one in February.

This schizophrenic change in form has led to much confusion among fans. There are those who took to social media (or Twitter as the most of us call it) to repeatedly call for Sam Allardyce’s head, who are now unsure of what to do with themselves.

There is a Twitter account called @fatsamout which spent January tweeting abuse about Allardyce as well as rather more emotive stuff like “Heartbreaking to hear these West Ham fans on Talksport”.  Yeah, forget Ukraine and the floods – it’s the Hammers fans you’ve gotta feel sorry for. Nowadays @fatsamout just moans about how boring clean sheets are.

More problematic is those fans who did their best to maintain loyalty and avoid being just another fickle football fan, but who caved sometime in January. It was indeed a very miserable month with some miserable results, but how frustrating to have turned into a knee-jerker just before it all started to get good again.

I have absolutely no issue with anyone wanting Allardyce sacked, whether it was before or during January. I spent two years wanting Glen Roeder sacked and one year wanting Avram Grant sacked. Loyalty is all well and good, but not to the point that you’re not able to think for yourself.

Even I, a couple of weeks after writing a pro-Allardcye blog at the start of the year, when questioned on the KUMB podcast after the Newcastle defeat as to whether I thought Allardyce should be sacked had to admit that if he were replaced by a genuinely better alternative I wouldn’t have much sympathy for him (But I did also say that Kevin Nolan was being harshly treated and would come good when he had a striker to play off, so there).

What did surprise me was the number of people who so quickly turned on both Nolan and Allardyce after a couple of bad months in the midst of as bad an injury crisis as we’re likely to endure. Had they not done enough in the previous two years to be given some benefit of the doubt? The answer – as confirmed by chants of “Fuck of Sam Allardyce” at Craven Cottage and the Etihad – was no.

Tenuous tune of the week: Bob Marley – Redemption Song

We all dream of a team of Mark Curtis clients

It's not all bad being a West Ham fan. How many other supporters can say their club has been graced not once, but twice by Iain Dowie? And don't you feel proud to say yours was the first English team to win the Intertoto Cup? I know I do. But sometimes I feel like every time we take a step forward we quickly do a 180. It is as though there is an unwritten law that says that good news on the pitch and good news off the pitch must remain mutually exclusive.

The international break should have presented a chance to pause and reflect on an unlikely three straight wins. Instead, Ravel Morrison's transfer to QPR this week has exposed some ugly truths about the way our club is run.

Daniel Taylor wrote an article for last weekend’s Observer, claiming that Ravel’s disquiet at West Ham was driven by Sam Allardyce and Kevin Nolan’s incessant badgering of him to switch agents to Mark Curtis.

The story may be a bit one-sided. It seems a strange reason to leave a club and I am not convinced that “everyone at West Ham can confirm he has knuckled down”. It is fantastic that he’s found himself a girlfriend but, in the same way I don’t care about the private life of Olivier Giroud, I’m not about to look favourably on Ravel just because he chooses to stay in with his missus and watch Splash. 

If we ignore the link that Taylor has made, there remain two deeply unsatisfactory stories here: the loss of a player with the greatest potential since Carlos Tevez and the concentration of power around Mark Curtis.

Even if we take the view that Morrison’s rise and fall is all his own doing – which I don’t – it still remains another blot on the West ham copybook of acquisitions. A lack of effective signings in the summer could be forgiven on the basis that we had rightly placed our faith in the next big thing. In Ravel’s absence we are left with a huge lack of creativity and inspiration.

Andy Carroll can’t stay fit. Ravel Morrison lacks discipline. Mohamed Diame can’t be bothered. At what point do we stop bemoaning our bad luck and recognise that there is something inherently wrong with our strategy?

Which leads us on to the other side of Taylor’s story: Mark Curtis.

The Observer article did not tell us much more than we already knew, but it was refreshing for such a big issue to be brought into the public domain. In case you did not already know, Curtis, Sam Allardyce’s agent, represents or has close links to the following West Ham players:

Kevin Nolan

James Tomkins

Jack Collison

Matt Jarvis

Andy Carroll

Jussi Jaaskelainen

Adrian

Joey O’Brien

Guy Demel

Any fan who does not worry about such concentration of power being held by a football agent so close to the manager is being naïve.

I don’t work for a football club but an equivalent scenario could arise at my company. Except it wouldn’t. We would never let it happen. It is a huge conflict of interest on Allardyce’s part which gives rise – wrongly or rightly – to accusations of personal gain. There should be a clear segregation of duties which means that Allardyce’s recruitment policy is solely focused on the best interests of the club without the interference of any other considerations.

That so many players who belong to Curtis have signed for the club and other existing players switched allegiance to him cannot have happened without a concerted effort on the part of Curtis and others within the club. It makes it very easy to believe the claim that Morrison was badgered on “an almost daily basis”.

Since the club have chosen not to refute the story, I will ask the question: What is Kevin Nolan doing trying to persuade Morrison – someone by all accounts he does not get on with – to switch agents? I can think of many things I would like Nolan to work on. This is not one of them.

Whatever version of events you choose to believe, there is no satisfactory explanation for any of this and, as always, no happy ending. If you ask me, the whole thing stinks.

Tenuous tune of the week: Tame Impala - Feels like we only go backwards

Ten things I won't miss about Upton Park

West Ham announced this week an agreement to sell Upton Park to London developer the Galliard Group. Such an announcement was an inevitability given we are due to move into a new stadium in two years, but that did not stop an outpouring of grief from a large section of supporters.

Not only am I happy to be moving to the Olympic Stadium, I am more than comfortable with saying goodbye to the Boleyn Ground. Though it will be sad to no longer see James Collins whacking aimless long balls on the pitch that Bobby Moore once graced, sometimes in life you just have to move on.

Here are the ten things I will miss the least.

Catering staff

Catering staff is probably the wrong term. I’m not sure what the word is for an east London teenager who stares at you like you’ve just asked him to name the first 50 digits of Pi, needs to ask for assistance in making a cup of tea, pours the tea over himself, doesn’t know where the lids are (they’ve run out), gives your tea to someone else, can’t work the till and gives you the wrong change. He also charges you £1.20 for a Yorkie, but that’s not his fault.

One chip shop between the tube station and the West Stand (where I sit)

I know what you’re thinking – couldn’t you just eat before you come out? Sorry, but if I’m going to the football I want to eat some good-quality junk food. There is also a chip shop behind the Bobby Moore Stand with a queue, such as the one on Green Street that snakes halfway down the Barking Road. But unless you arrive more than an hour before kick off, your pre-match build up will largely consist of standing in this queue. Of course you may do something else before the game such as visiting the ticket office or club shop in which case your pre-match build up will largely consist of, er, standing in a queue.

Upton Park tube station

Yup, you guessed it – queues. It’s not just before the game that’s the problem. Unless you leave the ground before the end of the match, you will be joining a scrum of people jostling to make it, not into the station, but to the back of the queue. East Ham aside, the alternatives – Canning Town, West Ham – cannot be reached on foot much under 40 minutes. Hundreds, sometimes thousands, of people leave the ground before the end of the match to save time. How many times have you heard the tedious chant of ‘Is there a fire drill?’ from the away end. The sight of fans filing out of the ground cannot be particularly inspiring for the players.

Those stupid bloody castles in front of the West Stand

This is a place of football, not Disneyland.

The bogs

The toilets are a good size for a large pub, not so good for a football stadium that holds 35,000 people. The cubicles – of which there are probably fifty in the entire ground – can be used for a poo up until about 2.30pm on matchdays, after which point smokers and people who like to piss all over the seats have priority.

The East Stand

I know, I know – the Chicken Run, the history. In years gone by the fans in the front rows were right on top of the players, an undoubted bonus against weaker-willed opposition. But with that competitive advantage now gone, the stand just makes the ground look disproportionate – like Elland Road or Filbert Street.

Treatment of away fans

Not one match goes past when, as I walk from the tube towards the West Stand, I don’t see away fans walking in the opposite direction with disgruntled looks on their faces. At first, I assumed they were just dissatisfied with the service they had received when trying to buy a onesie from the club shop. It turns out, of course, that there are no signs outside the tube station explaining to away fans the convoluted and not at all obvious route they need to take to get to their side of the Sir Trev Stand. There are other nice touches laid on such as charging over £50 for the privilege of visiting E13 as well as not bothering to read out their team’s line up. I’m not an avid reader of the bible but, as someone who has visited dozens of grounds as an away supporter, I do go along with that “do unto others” stuff.

Positioning of the away fans

And yet and yet … once they are in the ground, where do we locate them? Do we tuck them away in an upper tier out of harm’s way, St James’s Park style? Along the side of the pitch away from the goals, as per Villa Park, Goodison Park, etc. No, we stick them right behind the goal. We have conceded more goals at home than away so far this season. 63% of opposition goals at Upton Park have been scored in front of the away fans, with free-kick takers (Leighton Baines, Jermaine Pennant, Yohan Cabaye, for example) appearing particularly relaxed when scoring their inch-perfect winning goals.

The big gaps either side of the East Stand

A bit too Britannia Stadium.

I have seen some right old shit in that ground

I have no problem with sentimentality but let’s not get too rose-tinted glasses about this. Yes, this stadium (or the stadium as it once was) has been graced by Bobby Moore, Trevor Brooking, Billy Bonds and many more legends. But most people attending matches in 2014, myself included, do not remember all that. I am old enough to eulogise Paolo Di Canio, Julian Dicks and – just about – Alan Devonshire. But for every great performance featuring such a player there were ten other nightmares.

John Fashanu steamrollering us in our first Premier League game; turning a 3-0 lead into a 3-4 defeat (more than once); some absolute hammerings (0-4 QPR 1993, 1-4 Aston Villa 1995, 1-5 Leeds 1999 … ); countless failed attempts to beat Millwall; drawing with Farnborough; nearly losing to Emley; losing to Wrexham; half a season without victory under Roeder; the Crystal Palace match that was called off halfway through when the floodlights went out ...

The fact that it keeps drawing me back

Hundreds of times. To paraphrase Thom Yorke, the Boleyn Ground, full of accidents waiting to happen, is like a siren singing us to shipwreck. In that sense, nothing really compares to it.

Tenuous tune of the week: Radiohead, There There

West Ham of all clubs should not pursue arbitration

To West Ham fans arbitration is a dirty word associated with Sheffield United’s persistent attempts to prove that one player, and one player alone, was the reason West Ham escaped relegation in 2007. Their fight was successful in as much as they were compensated to the tune of £25m, but you won’t find many people outside of the red half of Sheffield holding this up as a victory for football.

Football is not a black-and-white game. Pundits can agonise over slow-motion replays for days and still not reach agreement on whether the right decision was reached by the referee. A process exists where red cards can be challenged retrospectively with the potential of overturning a player’s suspension. Once that decision has been made it is in the interests of football as a whole that everyone abide by the decision and move on.

It is therefore a big source of embarrassment to me that my football club is attending an FA tribunal today to challenge the decision not to rescind Andy Carroll’s red card and subsequent three-match suspension.

The club cite a lack of “procedural fairness”, which is to say that the panel making this decision should exist of more than three people – or as many people as it takes for West Ham to get the decision they want. Perhaps there should be more heads on the panel, but that’s something that needs to be changed at an objective point in time (such as at the end of the season), not off the back of an emotive issue. David Gold’s comments betray that the appeal is borne out of desperation.

“If we were mid-table we would probably get on with it, but we are fighting for our lives to retain our Premier League status,” he explained yesterday. In other words, we might as well appeal as we have nothing to lose. This sentiment won’t curry much favour with the FA.

What troubles me further about this appeal is that it’s not even as though Andy Carroll was wholly innocent. For what it’s worth I don’t think he should have been sent off but the reality is that he deliberately swung his arm in the direction of Chico Flores with the result that he hit him on the head. Flores is a cheat and an embarrassment to his club, but we knew that already. Carroll was, at best, naïve.

The real reason we are all so angry is because of Flores’s playacting. Had Howard Webb sent off Carroll without this playacting – which admittedly he may well not have – then I doubt we would be appealing the decision so vigorously. To campaign for retrospective action for feigning injury is something worth fighting for. But that is very different to what we are doing.

After a week in which we took four points from six, there should be an upbeat mood amongst players and fans alike. Instead, the atmosphere is of impending doom, brought about by the reinforcement of the notion that without Andy Carroll we are nothing.

The real crime in all of this is that we have such a one-dimensional, unbalanced squad that we cannot create goals without Carroll in the team. Would we go to these lengths over the suspension of any other player? If we focused more on those things within our control, this whole issue would not exist. 

Having argued on numerous occasions over the last six years that Carlos Tevez was not solely responsible for keeping us up in 2007, I refuse to be a hypocrite and argue that Carroll’s suspension will cause us to go down in 2014.

Principles aside, the negativity and victim mentality that comes with the appeal does not do our club any favours. I doubt many Sheffield United fans see their club’s victory in the courts as compensation for their downward spiral which could see them playing League Two football next season.

Let’s have faith in our ability to avoid relegation this season. And if we don’t stay up, let’s take a look at ourselves first when apportioning blame.

Song of the week: Bombay Bicycle Club - Leave it

The Blues are still blue

Heissenberg: Chris Scull respected my anonymity but did share this artist's impression

Much ado right now about Jose Mourinho’s reaction to Wednesday’s 0-0 draw at Stamford Bridge. I have taken his comments about timewasting and negative football as a compliment but, judging by the reaction of others, I may have misunderstood.

Sam Allardyce’s response was worthy of his Twitter parody. When asked about his reaction to Mourinho’s comments he replied: “I really don’t give a shite.” After years of nice-but-not-very-effective managers, I still find Allardyce’s abrupt manner refreshing. A far cry from Gianfranco Zola smiling throughout an interview following yet another defeat.

Allardici will be hoping that a big impact from new signings Marco Borriello and Antonio Nocerino will reaffirm his credentials as a big player on the European stage. My fear is that they will take time to acclimatise to the Premier League. Time is something we don’t have. There are four winnable matches in February before a final run-in featuring Man City, Arsenal, Man Utd, Everton, Spurs, amongst others.

Tony Cottee has argued that the signing of a homegrown player who could hit the ground running, such as Ross McCormack, should have been prioritised. I know this because I had the pleasure of taking part in this week's Knees Up Mother Brown podcast, as did TC. Many thanks to Chris Scull and James Longman for having me. Chris and James are really talented and if you don’t already listen to the show I recommend that you do.

I am sorry that I couldn’t offer more positive predictions during the pod. I hope to be proved wrong. 

Negativity, eh? What would Jose say.

Song of the week: Belle and Sebastian

Ignoreland

Insert your own caption

Over to you. Over to those of you who can still see a way out of this mess. I’ve got nothing. The 3-1 defeat to Newcastle United on Saturday hammered home all my worst fears: the majority of our players are average; we don’t have a goalscorer; we cannot retain possession; our few genuinely quality players are not bothered.

Sam Allardyce (and the board) must take responsibility for assembling a group of very ordinary players. I’ve read Moneyball. I get how Sam wanted it to end. He got it wrong.

Joey O’Brien, George McCartney, Matt Taylor, James Collins, Razvan Rat, Joe Cole, Kevin Nolan, Matt Jarvis, Carlton Cole. You can carry three – maybe at a push, four – of those players and survive in this division. But our team is riddled with them.

At the fans forum in December I asked Allardyce about the setup of our scouting network, questioning in particular why we had wasted the summer chasing Romelu Lukaku, a player who is clearly too good  for us. Allardyce dismissed my question, claiming that Lukaku was close to signing, but opted instead to join Everton, having been persuaded to do so by his friend Kevin Mirallas. Nothing to do with wanting to play for a team likely to challenge for Champions League football and with a rather different footballing philosophy to yours then, Sam?

Exactly the same thing has happened this transfer window. We have courted Monaco’s Lacina Traore and, guess what, he would also rather play for Everton.  We tried to sign John Heitinga – yes the guy who played in the World Cup final. But funnily enough, he prefers the idea of playing for Roma – yes the team second in Serie A.

So while David Sullivan and Allardyce chase their pipe dreams, we are left with Andy Carroll, Carlton Cole and Modibo Maiga as our attacking options, and a rotating defence which yesterday included Roger Johnson (he of the lower leagues) and left-footed Matt Taylor at right back.

Maiga is not a bad player but he cannot play the role that Allardyce’s one-dimensional system demands of him. Cole just isn’t very good and never really has been. He was a free agent in the summer. Nobody signed him.

Carroll pockets £80,000 a week while leading a social life that would make a student during freshers week look square. He made his Premier League debut in 2006 and since then has scored 28 goals in this division. Our hopes now rest on his shoulders.

The transfer window offered false hope. We all know that the chances of doing any good business at this time of year are minimal. Far from the focus being on who will join, it’s now about who will leave. Ravel Morrison and Mohamed Diame have both been tapped up by Fulham. It shows in their performances. These are two players who have the ability to turn our fortunes around, but just aren’t interested. Funny how all the fans’ criticism sits solely at Allardyce’s feet.

That’s how fans behave. The manager is the scapegoat while the sun shines out of every player’s arse. Slaven Bilic made some 50 appearances for us before sulking his way to a big payday at Everton. Still a large section of fans call for his return as manager. Why are so many players spoilt brats? Because they can get away with it.

When David Gold and Sullivan joined we were told about a five-year plan. That implies a strategy. How I would love to see that paper. What exactly was the plan – buy British? Bring back ex players? Court world-class players we’ve no chance of signing? Blow the transfer budget on an injury-prone striker devoid of self discipline? Get James Collins to hit aimless 60-yard “passes”.

And don’t get me started on our beloved Academy. Why spend millions of pounds a year running it then employ a manager whose only use of youth players is as cannon fodder in the cups. Allardyce would prefer to stick square pegs in round holes (see poor Matt Taylor’s woeful performance at right back yesterday) than nurture someone like Leo Chambers who can play in that position but who is instead left on the bench.

Some clubs build their squads through a combination of nurturing young talent and making smart good-value signings from foreign leagues. We do neither. We amass average players with a few good ones who soon lose their motivation. Someone really should take the blame.

This is the hardest pro-Sam Allardyce blog I've ever had to write ...

... and I’ve written a few. Prior to Christmas I was arguing solely with those who never wanted Sam as manager. Four matches and one solitary point later, many of those who shared my support of the big man say enough is enough.

I sympathise. The only match of the four I attended was the 3-3 draw with West Bromich Albion. To see the team throw away the lead not once but twice was not what I signed up to as a supporter of Allardyce. Life under him was supposed to be about killing the game. If I’d wanted to watch such lily-livered defending I would have given my backing to Avram.

There was something incredibly spineless about the players wilting as West Brom walked their way through them within moments of us retaking the lead. Turning a 2-1 deficit into a 3-2 victory could have been the spur for another great escape. Surrendering the lead once again felt like waving a white flag. The Fulham match compounded that feeling of hopelessness.

Allardyce’s mistakes have been plentiful.

His persistence with Kevin Nolan is frustrating because his reasons for doing so are so transparent. A refusal to drop a player he has managed since 1999 is a refusal to break his strongest link to the rest of the team. Nolan represents the manager on the pitch and to leave his captain on the bench would be for Allardyce to demote himself.

Sadly, Nolan has not been able to cut it in the Premier League. He deserves praise for his goals and leadership in the Championship but in the top flight fans have witnessed a player out of his depth. On Saturday’s Match of the Day, Alan Hansen decided to put together a montage to demonstrate Nolan’s effectiveness. It was a bizarre piece of analysis which included Nolan missing the opportunity to make a straightforward pass. Hansen’s point seemed to be that at least he was there. A fitting epitaph perhaps: Kevin Nolan – he was just sort of there.

Another flaw of Allardyce’s is his preference for putting square pegs in round holes rather than dropping the supposedly better players. This season Mohamed Diame has got lost on the right of midfield, George McCartney and Joey O’Brien have been left exposed in the centre of defence, while numerous games have been played without a striker.

Why? Because a significant number of the first-team squad – Elliot Lee, Pelly Ruddock, Leo Chambers, George Moncur, Dan Potts, Mladen Petric (before he was released) – are not deemed good enough to start a Premier League match even when the squad is so blighted by injuries. That’s a hell of a lot of players to carry in the squad for no discernible purpose.

Don’t have faith in the youngsters, Sam? Then don’t keep them on the payroll.

And I haven’t even mentioned the massive balls up that was blowing the entire transfer budget on an injury-prone striker and another player who should have been a back-up for the aforementioned striker, but wasn’t.

So why, then, am I part of the 44% (according to a KUMB poll at the time of writing) who believe sacking Allardyce would be the wrong thing to do? In short, because I think he will sort it out.

With even just half of the injured players – Andy Carroll, Ravel Morrison, Winston Reid, James Collins, James Tomkins – fit again and with a couple of new signings, we will be a much better team, superior to most of the bottom-half clubs. We were poorly prepared for this spate of injuries but even with a starting XI barely worthy of the Premier League, we are still picking up points and being only narrowly beaten.

There are still 18 games and 54 points to play for.

Many people are pointing to the upturn in fortune of teams that have changed their manager – Fulham, Sunderland, Crystal Palace, West Brom. In the short term, they have had a bounce, as is often the case, but that’s very different to being able to sustain that form over the rest of the season. On Wednesday, Sunderland and Crystal Palace both failed to win their home matches against Aston Villa and Norwich – the sort of results that in West Ham’s case would add to the number of fans calling for Sam’s head.

If only because of the large number of teams that have pressed the panic button, it is inevitable that one, two or even all three of the relegated teams will be clubs that have changed managers. Sacking the boss is not the panacea that Vincent Tan would have you believe.

Unless you have a genuinely excellent alternative lined up – which we don’t – then there’s much to be said for sticking with a man who in nine Premier League seasons has never been relegated, despite having managed the sort of clubs prone to the drop.

His success is not down to good luck in the same way our poor season to date has not been down to bad luck. Bad decisions have been made, but the worst one of all would be to ditch a manager who in his first two seasons in charge turned the fortunes of this club on its head. It’s not about loyalty, it’s about putting faith in the man with the expertise to clear up the mess he's made.