Saturday’s game at Anfield seemed to be one of those tipping points, as the travelling fans started to turn against the manager, and even the Avram Apologists had to admit that lining up 4-3-3 against a team with one of the best attacking full backs in the league may have been a tad naive.
Opting to fiddle while Rome burns, the Davids responded by sacking assistant Zeljko Petrovic rather than old Turtlehead himself. Fans quickly leapt on every bit of media speculation and assembled a fantasy backroom team consisting of Paolo Di Canio, John Hartson, Steve Lomas and, er, Wally Downes.
Saturday’s match against Wigan is now being marketed as ‘save our season’ day. It will be the second home game I have missed this season, the first being the win over Tottenham, so the omens already look good.
Meanwhile, not wanting to be outdone by Ellie Goulding, Avram has done his own rendition of Elton John’s Your Song, with new lyrics and everything:
It’s a little bit funny, this feeling of denial
I’m not one of those who can easily smile
We don’t have much money but that’s what we need
What was I thinking, buying Winston Reid
If I was a motivator, but then again, no
The fans are already chanting for Di Canio
One win isn’t much but it’s the best I can do
My gift was Barrera, he’s turned out to be poo
And you can tell everybody the ref got it wrong
It’s bad for morale if we blame Gabbidon
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind that I missed Stoke for Yom Kippur
Here’s hoping that one day Obinna might just score
I stood on the touchline and stared at the dross
Well a few of Carlton’s shots, they’ve got me quite cross
But Scott’s been quite good while surrounded by clowns
It's due to people like him that we’re not yet down
So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
Why don’t I just stick with playing four-four-two
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Ours is the worst back four I've ever seen
And I will blame everything on the injury list
We simply can’t win without Collison and Hitz
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind that I came from Chelsea
How wonderful life will be, when we’re playing Barnsley
Wednesday 24 November 2010
Thursday 18 November 2010
DON'T PANIC
When Chris Martin sings “we live in a beautiful world” in Coldplay’s Don’t Panic, he does so with a distinct lack of conviction. Similar insincerity permeated from Avram Grant on Saturday as he claimed to be “delighted” with West Ham’s performance against Blackpool. The current excuses of bad luck (we've been saved by the woodwork more than any other premier league team this year) and bad refereeing decisions (Marlon's perfectly legitimate goal?) can only last so long.
On Tuesday, Karen Brady did a much better job of putting us knee-jerkers in our place, claiming that “weak-minded people press the panic button”. Ouch. Opinions of Avram aside, if we are going to stand by our man then it is comforting to see The Apprentice come out and speak so decisively.
Here are some more reasons to be positive:
1. Scott Parker aside, the big clubs won’t be sniffing round our players.
2. Freddie Sears is doing ok on loan at Scunthorpe.
3. That couple from Kent have been freed by Somalian pirates.
4. The Davids may be too stubborn to ever relieve Avram of his duties, but his contract only lasts four years. The furthest we can fall in this time is to the Blue Square Premier, the results and league table of which appear in most national newspapers.
5. Steven Gerrard looks like he will miss Saturday’s game.
6. Millwall and Sheffield United are striking a nice balance of being crap, but not so crap that they will get relegated and deny us a couple of interesting ding dongs next year.
7. Following a brief scare that we may have been a bit hasty in letting Diamanti go when he was called up to play for Italy this week, he duly played rubbish and was substituted at half time.
8. The Wigan game is kids for a quid.
9. Despite Avram overseeing the worst start to a season in the club’s history the spectre of anti-semitism does not appear to have reared its ugly head.
10. The Paolo Di Canio lounge.
11. We cannot finish any lower than 20th. No other Premier League team has the luxury of being able to say they will definitely finish as well as or better than their current position.
12. UK retail sales rose in October, ending two months of decline.
13. Season-ticket holders can get 10% off this weekend at the new club shop at the Liberty Shopping Centre in Romford.
14. Neil Warnock this week ruled himself out of ever becoming West Ham manager.
15. According to the club website tickets for the Man Utd quarter final are selling fast (just not fast enough that despite now being on general sale, more than 2,000 remain).
16. The persistent closure of the District Line gives fans the chance to sample the delights of the Barking Road as they trek back and forth to Canning Town.
17. Zavon Hines has been out long enough for us to believe that he will be our saviour.
18. ESPN’s new feature which sees a presenter hand the matchball to the referee as he walks out of the tunnel. Why did no-one think of this sooner?
19. West Ham’s George Moncur, son of Jon, was called up to the England U’18 squad this week.
20. David Gold has a lovely beard.
DON'T PANIC is written on the cover of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy manual. The novel explains that this was because the device "looked insanely complicated" to operate. The debate as to whether Avram is out of his depth or whether West Ham is simply too complicated to operate goes on.
On Tuesday, Karen Brady did a much better job of putting us knee-jerkers in our place, claiming that “weak-minded people press the panic button”. Ouch. Opinions of Avram aside, if we are going to stand by our man then it is comforting to see The Apprentice come out and speak so decisively.
Here are some more reasons to be positive:
1. Scott Parker aside, the big clubs won’t be sniffing round our players.
2. Freddie Sears is doing ok on loan at Scunthorpe.
3. That couple from Kent have been freed by Somalian pirates.
4. The Davids may be too stubborn to ever relieve Avram of his duties, but his contract only lasts four years. The furthest we can fall in this time is to the Blue Square Premier, the results and league table of which appear in most national newspapers.
5. Steven Gerrard looks like he will miss Saturday’s game.
6. Millwall and Sheffield United are striking a nice balance of being crap, but not so crap that they will get relegated and deny us a couple of interesting ding dongs next year.
7. Following a brief scare that we may have been a bit hasty in letting Diamanti go when he was called up to play for Italy this week, he duly played rubbish and was substituted at half time.
8. The Wigan game is kids for a quid.
9. Despite Avram overseeing the worst start to a season in the club’s history the spectre of anti-semitism does not appear to have reared its ugly head.
10. The Paolo Di Canio lounge.
11. We cannot finish any lower than 20th. No other Premier League team has the luxury of being able to say they will definitely finish as well as or better than their current position.
12. UK retail sales rose in October, ending two months of decline.
13. Season-ticket holders can get 10% off this weekend at the new club shop at the Liberty Shopping Centre in Romford.
14. Neil Warnock this week ruled himself out of ever becoming West Ham manager.
15. According to the club website tickets for the Man Utd quarter final are selling fast (just not fast enough that despite now being on general sale, more than 2,000 remain).
16. The persistent closure of the District Line gives fans the chance to sample the delights of the Barking Road as they trek back and forth to Canning Town.
17. Zavon Hines has been out long enough for us to believe that he will be our saviour.
18. ESPN’s new feature which sees a presenter hand the matchball to the referee as he walks out of the tunnel. Why did no-one think of this sooner?
19. West Ham’s George Moncur, son of Jon, was called up to the England U’18 squad this week.
20. David Gold has a lovely beard.
DON'T PANIC is written on the cover of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy manual. The novel explains that this was because the device "looked insanely complicated" to operate. The debate as to whether Avram is out of his depth or whether West Ham is simply too complicated to operate goes on.
Thursday 11 November 2010
There Goes My Hero
Scott Parker’s sublime goal on his 100th appearance for the club would undoubtedly have inspired a team possessing a backbone to victory last night. Alas, we are not that team. As Paul Calf might say, “Inside every bag of shite lies a speck of gold”. The other players must hate him, serving as he does to highlight their own shortcomings.
Say what you like about Gold and Sullivan’s impact so far but during their tenure the West Ham machine has become adept at looking on the bright side. The lead-up to last night’s game was a case in point. To the average man on the street, an inability to sell enough tickets would seem like a bad thing. On the contrary, fans “will be able to pay on the day” boasted the website.
Despite this valiant marketing, gaps that would put Scott Carson’s teeth to shame remained in the stands. I was just waiting for the PA Announcer to gloss over this: “The West Stand Upper Tier is only half-full tonight giving you fans the ideal opportunity to stretch out”. More likely might have been a new promotion appearing on the website telling fans that if they arrive at half time they can get in for £5, such is the desperation to get bums on seats.
“With demand expected to be high, fans are advised to get to the stadium early”, continued the West Brom promotion, with no explanation for the assumption that a last-minute rush of people suddenly desperate to part with their money and embrace the cold weather was somehow inevitable.
“Supporters should also note that this match will not be televised, as previously advertised”. Call me a cynic but I cannot help but wonder whether this actually ever happened, or whether in fact this was a ploy to make fans feel ok about not having snapped up tickets sooner. I suspect the Manchester derby was always favourite for the live slot.
No matter how bad things are going it’s impossible to arrive at Upton Park of an evening and not feel a sense of optimism. The morning after the night before, such innocence now seems a lifetime away. Before the game I had nothing better to worry about than the price of pies in the stadium. My dad was concerned they had become too expensive. I reassured him that if you are going to pay over the odds on, it might as well be on something that boosts the club’s coffers. He bought two.
The first half had all the frustrations of the opening hour against Stoke a couple of weeks ago. Avram’s tactical nous came to the fore as he instructed Piquionne and Pablo “Where Angels Fear to Stick Their Toe In” Barrera to switch wings. Unfortunately, West Brom were wise to this cunning plan, and only a rocket from Scotty could bring us to parity.
Without wishing to sound rude, gormless is the best way I can think to describe Avram. I’m not even entirely sure what gormless means (what is a gorm and is it something to aspire to?) but there is something about watching him on the sideline that makes me think, yeah, you don’t really know what you’re doing do you, mate.
There were groans aplenty last night (Carlton was again targeted despite being isolated by the 4-3-3 formation) but special groaning was saved for players dithering as they took throw-ins and goal kicks in second-half injury time, arms outstretched querying exactly who amongst their team mates wanted the ball. Piquionne was presumably thinking, I would like the ball but I’ve been stuck out on the wing so it’s a bit tricky. His body language certainly suggested a frustrated man.
Amongst all this directionless mess there is Scott Parker, possibly the greatest leader in the Premier League to find himself without the armband. At half time Foo Fighters’ My Hero was played out over the tannoy. Coincidence or not, it seemed a fitting paean for a player who - a move to Tottenham notwithstanding - is already assured of legendary status amongst West Ham fans.
There is an alternative
If, like me, you are struggling with the idea of enduring another 90 minutes of dross this Saturday, there are other things going on in east London this weekend.
Ice Skating, Canary Wharf
The 13th Newham Scout Group, Stratford
Aaj Kal: Current affairs in Bengali, East India Dock Road
Ab Blast, East Ham Leisure Centre
Ale Douvan African Dancing, Kingsley Hall Community Centre
Pantomime, Upton Park, 3-5pm
Say what you like about Gold and Sullivan’s impact so far but during their tenure the West Ham machine has become adept at looking on the bright side. The lead-up to last night’s game was a case in point. To the average man on the street, an inability to sell enough tickets would seem like a bad thing. On the contrary, fans “will be able to pay on the day” boasted the website.
Despite this valiant marketing, gaps that would put Scott Carson’s teeth to shame remained in the stands. I was just waiting for the PA Announcer to gloss over this: “The West Stand Upper Tier is only half-full tonight giving you fans the ideal opportunity to stretch out”. More likely might have been a new promotion appearing on the website telling fans that if they arrive at half time they can get in for £5, such is the desperation to get bums on seats.
“With demand expected to be high, fans are advised to get to the stadium early”, continued the West Brom promotion, with no explanation for the assumption that a last-minute rush of people suddenly desperate to part with their money and embrace the cold weather was somehow inevitable.
“Supporters should also note that this match will not be televised, as previously advertised”. Call me a cynic but I cannot help but wonder whether this actually ever happened, or whether in fact this was a ploy to make fans feel ok about not having snapped up tickets sooner. I suspect the Manchester derby was always favourite for the live slot.
No matter how bad things are going it’s impossible to arrive at Upton Park of an evening and not feel a sense of optimism. The morning after the night before, such innocence now seems a lifetime away. Before the game I had nothing better to worry about than the price of pies in the stadium. My dad was concerned they had become too expensive. I reassured him that if you are going to pay over the odds on, it might as well be on something that boosts the club’s coffers. He bought two.
The first half had all the frustrations of the opening hour against Stoke a couple of weeks ago. Avram’s tactical nous came to the fore as he instructed Piquionne and Pablo “Where Angels Fear to Stick Their Toe In” Barrera to switch wings. Unfortunately, West Brom were wise to this cunning plan, and only a rocket from Scotty could bring us to parity.
Without wishing to sound rude, gormless is the best way I can think to describe Avram. I’m not even entirely sure what gormless means (what is a gorm and is it something to aspire to?) but there is something about watching him on the sideline that makes me think, yeah, you don’t really know what you’re doing do you, mate.
There were groans aplenty last night (Carlton was again targeted despite being isolated by the 4-3-3 formation) but special groaning was saved for players dithering as they took throw-ins and goal kicks in second-half injury time, arms outstretched querying exactly who amongst their team mates wanted the ball. Piquionne was presumably thinking, I would like the ball but I’ve been stuck out on the wing so it’s a bit tricky. His body language certainly suggested a frustrated man.
Amongst all this directionless mess there is Scott Parker, possibly the greatest leader in the Premier League to find himself without the armband. At half time Foo Fighters’ My Hero was played out over the tannoy. Coincidence or not, it seemed a fitting paean for a player who - a move to Tottenham notwithstanding - is already assured of legendary status amongst West Ham fans.
There is an alternative
If, like me, you are struggling with the idea of enduring another 90 minutes of dross this Saturday, there are other things going on in east London this weekend.
Ice Skating, Canary Wharf
The 13th Newham Scout Group, Stratford
Aaj Kal: Current affairs in Bengali, East India Dock Road
Ab Blast, East Ham Leisure Centre
Ale Douvan African Dancing, Kingsley Hall Community Centre
Pantomime, Upton Park, 3-5pm
Friday 5 November 2010
Remember, remember the month of November
Scott Parker emailed me this week to thank me for my fantastic support and to tell me about ticket prices for the Carling Cup quarter final. “The league is the main priority for us but having this good cup is a big bonus and can only help,” wrote Scott. It’s hard to argue against the league being our priority but in all honesty, if you offered me some silverware at the expense of Premier League survival, I would take it.
Bill Shankly used to say, don’t look at the league table until ten games in. If you follow Shankly’s mantra and resist the temptation to do some complicated mental arithmetic, you will only just have become fully aware of our predicament. Bottom of the league and, unless we can conjure up a 6-0 win at St Andrews, destined to be there at the end of the week. Relegation battles can be rather exciting. After two very close shaves in the last four years, I am simply feeling fatigued.
The performance at Arsenal has to go down as a positive. Our fate won’t be decided by games against the top four (whoever that is now), so the best that could be hoped for was a battling display, which we got. Yes, Arsenal had several chances to score sooner, but they were denied by Robert Green. That’s not luck. That’s Robert Green being a good shot stopper. Had we held on for a point, this would have gone down as the performance of the season so far.
The players may have felt deflated afterwards (see Danny Gabbidon’s tweet on the right) but as a fan, attention turned immediately to the more winnable games: West Brom, Blackpool and Wigan all come to Upton Park in November. With games against Blackburn, Sunderland and Birmingham also between now and Christmas, failure to move out of the dropzone before the turn of the year would make a difficult task look increasingly hopeless.
Avram suggested recently that he would feel no more worried were we to be in this position come April. To put that ill-advised comment in context, March ends with a trip to White Hart Lane, while opponents in April include Chelsea, Man United, Man City, as well as a trip to Bolton. Avram may pride himself in playing it cool, but fans will be forgiven for mistaking this as complacency. Rightly or wrongly, Tony Cottee has already made his concerns public through the white van man’s favourite medium, Talksport.
Against this backdrop, the Carling Cup becomes an increasingly welcome distraction. Clearly we are underdogs against Man United but with home advantage it’s hard not to feel a sense of optimism. A good performance and a bit of luck and suddenly we are one game away from our first appearance at Wembley since 1981 and the possibility of winning a competition that has been dominated by Man United and Chelsea in recent years.
Relegation is of course undesirable but the prospect of Championship football for a year or two does not scare me. People talk about the danger of “becoming the next Leeds” but in truth such declines are the exception rather than the rule. Big clubs, such as Newcastle, Birmingham and West Brom, tend to bounce back quickly.
We are evens to stay in the Premier League and 20/1 to win the Carling Cup. One bet looks better value to me than the other. Of course, this isn’t a Sophie’s Choice situation. The reality is that with a maximum of three games left to play in the Carling Cup, Avram doesn’t have the headache of needing to prioritise one over the other.
In November 2006, Sheffield United had a late equaliser at Upton Park ruled out for offside. The goal cost Sheffield United their Premier League place and inflicted the self-righteousness of Kevin McCabe and Sean Bean on the rest of us. Over the next few weeks there is little margin for error.
You can now follow Love In The Time Of Collison at http://twitter.com/OnWestHam. As well as updates on new posts you can also follow my ramblings.
Bill Shankly used to say, don’t look at the league table until ten games in. If you follow Shankly’s mantra and resist the temptation to do some complicated mental arithmetic, you will only just have become fully aware of our predicament. Bottom of the league and, unless we can conjure up a 6-0 win at St Andrews, destined to be there at the end of the week. Relegation battles can be rather exciting. After two very close shaves in the last four years, I am simply feeling fatigued.
The performance at Arsenal has to go down as a positive. Our fate won’t be decided by games against the top four (whoever that is now), so the best that could be hoped for was a battling display, which we got. Yes, Arsenal had several chances to score sooner, but they were denied by Robert Green. That’s not luck. That’s Robert Green being a good shot stopper. Had we held on for a point, this would have gone down as the performance of the season so far.
The players may have felt deflated afterwards (see Danny Gabbidon’s tweet on the right) but as a fan, attention turned immediately to the more winnable games: West Brom, Blackpool and Wigan all come to Upton Park in November. With games against Blackburn, Sunderland and Birmingham also between now and Christmas, failure to move out of the dropzone before the turn of the year would make a difficult task look increasingly hopeless.
Avram suggested recently that he would feel no more worried were we to be in this position come April. To put that ill-advised comment in context, March ends with a trip to White Hart Lane, while opponents in April include Chelsea, Man United, Man City, as well as a trip to Bolton. Avram may pride himself in playing it cool, but fans will be forgiven for mistaking this as complacency. Rightly or wrongly, Tony Cottee has already made his concerns public through the white van man’s favourite medium, Talksport.
Against this backdrop, the Carling Cup becomes an increasingly welcome distraction. Clearly we are underdogs against Man United but with home advantage it’s hard not to feel a sense of optimism. A good performance and a bit of luck and suddenly we are one game away from our first appearance at Wembley since 1981 and the possibility of winning a competition that has been dominated by Man United and Chelsea in recent years.
Relegation is of course undesirable but the prospect of Championship football for a year or two does not scare me. People talk about the danger of “becoming the next Leeds” but in truth such declines are the exception rather than the rule. Big clubs, such as Newcastle, Birmingham and West Brom, tend to bounce back quickly.
We are evens to stay in the Premier League and 20/1 to win the Carling Cup. One bet looks better value to me than the other. Of course, this isn’t a Sophie’s Choice situation. The reality is that with a maximum of three games left to play in the Carling Cup, Avram doesn’t have the headache of needing to prioritise one over the other.
In November 2006, Sheffield United had a late equaliser at Upton Park ruled out for offside. The goal cost Sheffield United their Premier League place and inflicted the self-righteousness of Kevin McCabe and Sean Bean on the rest of us. Over the next few weeks there is little margin for error.
You can now follow Love In The Time Of Collison at http://twitter.com/OnWestHam. As well as updates on new posts you can also follow my ramblings.
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