Monday 28 February 2011

History Not Repeating Itself

The sight of Tomas Repka at Anfield last week brought back unhappy memories of a season, not too dissimilar to the current one, in which West Ham sleepwalked into the Championship. In February 2003, Liverpool came to Upton Park and tore apart a West Ham defence containing Repka, Rufus Brevett and a soon-to-be-retired Nigel Winterburn. Yesterday, with Joe Cole and Glen Johnson having long since swapped claret and blue for red and white, it was Liverpool who were torn apart.

On the basis of this performance it would be grossly unfair to compare James Tomkins and Matthew Upson with the defence of eight years ago, though Wayne “I’ll just put my foot through it” Bridge did a relatively good impression of a Nigel Winterburn on his last legs. There are few greater injustices in football than Bridge’s £90,000-a-week wages.

Contrary to rumours that he was out for the season, Upson was back in the side, silly superstitious pre-match hop, skip and jump and all. That wasn’t the only pre-match entertainment. 9-year-old Jonjo Heuerman, who walked from Wembley to Upton Park to raise money for the Bobby Moore Fund, did a lap of honour (because having walked halfway round London that’s just what he needed) and received a well-deserved standing ovation.

The feeling of goodwill was tarnished slightly when a representative of SBOBET presented him with a surprise gift: a weekend away for him and his family in the Isle of Man. All Jonjo wanted to do was raise some money for charity, and now he has endure the holiday from hell due to the aggressive tax avoidance policy of the club’s sponsors. Only Mad Dog Martin Allen’s bizarre half-time interview got a bigger laugh.

If things had been different, Jonjo might have made that journey in the opposite direction. Travelling on the Jubilee Line before the game, it was hard not to think that we should all have been heading westbound to Wembley Park. I am all for the underdog having its day, but I take no pleasure in Birmingham’s victory.

Brum beat us fair and square (Stephen Carr’s scything down of Dyer aside) and Alex McLeish deserves credit for his superior tactical nous. But Birmingham remain an ugly club, who play ugly football in an ugly kit in front of ugly fans. Stoke remain the team everyone loves to hate, but the squealing Brummies are no different.

That game in 2003, also an early Sunday afternoon kick off, saw Steven Gerrard score and get man of the match. Yesterday he and his midfield were totally overshadowed by Scott Parker and Thomas Hitzlsperger. In stark contrast to the hapless defending of Repka, James Tomkins dealt admirably with the threat posed by Luis Suarez.

Back then team spirit only really returned for the last three games when Sir Trev stepped in. Glenn “Roeder” Rodent’s best attempt at team bonding was to get the players in a prematch team huddle. There now seems to be a genuine team spirit, encapsulated yesterday by the euphoric celebrations on the bench.

The footage of Scott Parker kissing the camera will inevitably be repeated ad nauseam in plugging this season’s highlights dvd. In fact the only hint of disharmony came after Liverpool’s solitary goal when Robert Green raged at Lars Jacobsen as if the Dane had just run over his dog.

Eight years on from the season in which Rodent managed to sink the unsinkable, there was something cathartic about seeing this suddenly promising-looking set of players get the better of Joe Cole and Glen Johnson. The pain at seeing them leave so early in their careers to join a Russian oligarch’s crusade has never really subsided.

The close of the 2010/11 season will bid farewell to the last vestiges of the Icelandic era, as Kieron Dyer and Julien Fau-Paux disappear from the payroll. Relegation this year would also prompt the exit of Scott Parker and Thomas Hitzlsperger, but the younger players - Tomkins, Collison, Hines, Stanislas - would be expected to stay. A few more performances like yesterday’s, and we might just get to keep the whole lot.

Friday 25 February 2011

Can you imagine a world without lawyers?

This week Barry Hearn confirmed what this blog suggested last week, by effectively admitting that he is pillaring West Ham solely to gain leverage in his attempt to get a shiny new stadium. Waltham Forest council are said to be interested in helping relocate the club to Eton Manor.

Hearn says that assistance from West Ham and the Premier League in facilitating a move to Essex would placate him. Funny that. Given Hearn’s disdain for Tesco-style intrusions, Alf Ramsey’s former club Eton Manor FC have presumably been consulted.

Hearn has decided that the £1m generated by Orient’s cup run will be spent on legal action, though he is undecided as to exactly what action, stating: “At the moment I'm keeping all my options open – and threatening to sue everybody.” Well if you think they’re all out to get you then, yes, you probably should sue everybody.

How thrilled Os fans must be at the thought of money that could be spent on new signings being used instead to line the pockets of the London law firm, Mishcon de Reya. As Springfield lawyer Lionel Hutz once said, can you imagine a world without lawyers?

Here are ten alternative recommendations for how Barry could spend his money more wisely:

1. Invest in your team. Having overseen one of the leanest eras in Orient’s history, including the longest spell in the bottom tier, this might be a useful way to halt the dwindling crowds.

2. Give it to Eton Manor FC as compensation for moving into their back yard.

3. Give it to Leyton FC as compensation for having relocated from Clapton to move into their back yard.

4. Give it to the residents of Newham who – so you inform me in today’s Guardian – have lost their meals on wheels.

5. Buy 1,826 shares in Serco. As a support services group they are likely to be one of the beneficiaries of the decentralisation of public services, and sound like a good investment.

6. Give it to Dagenham and Redbridge, your hometown club. We all know how important geography is to you.

7. Buy 125,786 official tea towels celebrating the marriage of William and Kate.

8. Do a KLF, and set it on fire.

9. Buy an iPad. Then buy Pablo Barrera at his current market rate. With the money that’s left over buy another 2,000 iPads.

10. Put it all on black.

Sunday 13 February 2011

Harry and Barry: the Noisy Neighbours

After so much hype, expectation and even leaks on Wednesday night suggesting that it was a done deal, it just wasn’t to be. As always seems to be the case with West Ham, just as we thought we were on the verge of something like success, we were denied at the eleventh ... eh? What – we actually got it? So, we’re leaving the anachronism that is Upton Park to move to one of the best stadiums in the country, with infinitely better transport links for fans based in London, Essex and Kent? Well then, as Carlton Cole might say, shouldn’t we be feeling overchuffed?

The majority of fans clearly are but there remains that nagging and legitimate concern over the running track. In the worst case scenario that the Davids break the habit of a lifetime and become as good as their word, then keeping the track may well prove a price worth paying for what is a unique chance for a London-based club to find somewhere just up the road to relocate.

This blog has already made clear its feelings as to what a great opportunity this is, and now is not the time to rehash the pros and cons of the move. No, now is the time to laugh at Tottenham.

Let’s not kid ourselves, most Spurs fans didn’t want to move to Stratford. This is not a victory as such, but for Daniel Levy to have pushed so hard for it, he must really fear the financial repercussions. Spurs fans are now left in limbo as they ponder where they will be relocated to. I’ve heard there’s a stadium-size plot of land in E13 up for grabs from 2014. How about that, Harry? You seemed quite keen to relocate Spurs closer to the Bow Bells and there’s definitely no running track.

Equally irritating over the last few weeks has been the squealing of Barry Hearn. Initially, it was natural to feel some sympathy but the more one reads of his whining, the clearer it is that he is simply trying to gain leverage for a move to a 15,000-seat hockey stadium. That makes sense. His objections to West Ham relocating to Stratford do not.

For the 1,214th time Hearn has compared us to Tesco; the evil corporation putting the local corner shop out of business. The analogy has been so overused that I’m actually starting to quite like it. Tesco really flatters us, but I feel Budgen’s might be closer to the truth. Or Costcutters.

“West Ham have made it clear that they won’t have the support to fill the stadium without heavily discounted tickets and that would not just take away the fleeting football fans of Leyton Orient but it would also take away youngsters that might become Leyton Orient fans in the future,” ranted Hearn in the Evening Standard.

In other words, West Ham should stay in a stadium that is not fit for purpose, charging extortionate prices, by way of a miniscule contribution to stemming the flow of bored Orient fans. As someone who pays over £700 a year for a season ticket, I do not take any solace in the notion that I am somehow subsidising our plucky little neighbours.

Hopefully, Hearn is right and the Davids will slash prices in order to fill the stadium. This may be slightly crude, but cutting average tickets prices from £45 to £25 would quite likely push average gates up from 35,000 to 55,000, especially with the more practical transport links and the draw of a shiny a new ground. People joke about the idea of West Ham filling a 60,000-seater stadium but the reality is that there are tens of thousands of West Ham fans within an hour’s reach of Stratford who haven’t been to a game for years because they cannot justify the cost. This is the perfect opportunity to end that alienation.

The alternative - and this is what I fear - is to give adults a minimal discount and focus on getting kids in for next to nothing. Not only would this be a kick in the teeth for fans who have ploughed thousands of pounds into the club over the years, filling the ground with kids would simply exacerbate what is already likely to be a muted atmosphere.

I fear this because even now many games are ‘Kids for a Quid’. This price differentiation is bizarre and unjust, and the atmosphere at the recent Birmingham game, where parts of the ground seemed like a crèche, is testament to the problems this causes.

There is no rhyme or reason to this policy. Actually, it does rhyme. And that’s the best that can be said of it.

Somewhere beyond the Over Land and Sea

It has been announced that Hammers fanzine Over Land and Sea will close after more than 20 years. The publication has survived against the backdrop of rival fanzines, such as Home Alone and Water In Majorca, falling by the wayside.

There will be a degree of sentimentality (this is West Ham after all) over the closure of OLAS, but anyone who has read a recent copy will shed few tears. The fanzine is little more than a series of uncoordinated, poorly-written rants. A recent edition contained numerous anti-Olympic Stadium pieces, each making the same point as the other, and whose sentiment is symbolic of a fanzine stuck in the past.

That said, Gary Firmager deserves credit for offering a platform for fans to make their voice heard, particularly in an era where many feel so disenfranchised. That has been made obsolete by the existence of myriad online messageboards where fans can talk nonsense to their heart’s content. Nevertheless, it is sad that well-meaning publications like OLAS can no longer exist in a world where any idiot can set up their own blog and within minutes start spouting their self-righteous drivel ... Eh? Oh.

Friday 4 February 2011

Carlton Ain’t Gettin’ On No Plane, Fool

A welcome addition to the world of Twitter last week was that of Carlton Cole. While most Hammers players tweet about God or their favourite ITV2 show, Carlton actually offers some interesting insights into life at West Ham – as well as anecdotes about losing his front door keys.

Having missed out on the win at Blackpool, he couldn’t wait to congratulate the players – especially his fellow strikers – and, significantly, the fans. Carlton has often been used as a scapegoat by a minority of supporters, despite frequently being left isolated up front and given minimal service. One of the few good things that Gianfranco Zola did at West Ham was to unlock his potential and it is frustrating to see him struggle for goals at a time when there is such a lack of quality English frontmen.

Topics discussed in his tweets so far include cleaning (he refuses to have a cleaner), Julien Fauxpas’ new haircut (including photo) and his mum’s new fiancé.

He is also refreshingly funny and self-deprecating. This was posted in the run up to the Blackpool game: “Cant wait 2 c da line-up 4 nxt game, might b a few changes. Might av 2 do a few chores to get in! I might start wit collectin in da cones!”

And then on transfer deadline day, he allayed any fears that he was on his way to Newcastle: “Hey Tweeps! Im @ home chillin with my feet up watching conan da barbarian! So no, im not in a helicopter goin anywhere! Im scared of heights”.

Wednesday night’s victory at Bloomfield Road was the first test of the success or otherwise of January’s transfer dealings. It proved to be quite enlightening.

While Robbie Keane demonstrated why we are putting off learning the lessons of Eggert Magnusson’s liberal salary policy, the presence of Gary O’Neil allowed LBM and Kovac to maintain their rightful place on the subs bench.

On the flip side, the defensive frailties were all too clear and begged the question why, after just one clean sheet in the last 12 league games, was bolstering the defence not made more of a priority.

Robbie Keane wasted little time making his mark. It’s always good to have a player that allows you to chant “Keano”. We have had to make do with “Greeno” for the last few years and, let’s be honest, it’s not the same. We really should have made more of Kevin Keen’s continued presence on the payroll.

Incidentally, since 2000 only Thierry Henry and Frank Lampard have scored more Premier League goals than Keane, so all in all he may just prove to be a rather useful acquisition.

Meanwhile, Demba Ba - a player so good they named him one and a half times - has also added to the attacking options. Demba was quick to learn that West Ham don’t make information public through the usual channels and therefore took it upon himself to announce his arrival on his own website. Incidentally, his twitter persona is said to be fictitious. Or so Carlton tells me.

And then there’s Wayne Bridge. Some people would say he is international class. Some people would argue he is Championship class. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle which, for now, means he has probably found his level at West Ham. A debut which made Jonathan Woodgate’s first outing at Real Madrid look like a flying start, has been followed by subsequent solid performances. But, let’s face it, anything’s better than watching Tal Ben-Haim experimenting unsuccessfully with his left foot.

It is difficult to know who exactly to praise/blame for our transfer policy. Avram? Sullivan? Wayne Bridge’s agent? For those that don’t turn out so well, it may be just as easy to blame Karren Brady who announced through the quality medium of the Sun that we didn’t sign Steve Sidwell since we already had enough midfielders. But Karren, doesn’t the subsequent signing of Gary O’Neil mean you were talking bollocks. Eh? Oh.

Brady proves that old adage that too many tweets make a twat. Her sole use of Twitter is self promotion. This week was a case in point as she retweeted the drivel of her sycophantic followers: “Thank u for joining our roundtable discussion on the rise of female entrepreneurs today @karrenbrady...your input was invaluable as always!” ... “@KarrenBrady absolutely respected what you said today, what a great inspiration for women everywhere”. Yeah, do me a favour love.

Still, there’s always Pablo Barrera. Pablito, as he calls himself, tweets in Spanish so I have never been able to understand his musings. I just assume that he’s talking about his inability to run. Turns out he’s generally commenting on how cold it is. “Q frioooo hace”. Yes Pablo. It’s cold.

But perhaps the last word should go to Carlton (well, it’s not going to Andy Gray anymore, is it). “At stansted airport ready to take off in the oldest plane! Im never comfortable on this plane!” Sergeant Bosco Albert Baracus would have been proud.