An open letter to the Daily Mirror

Dear Steve Stammers

This is an open letter to you in response to your open letter to Sam Allardyce. I doubt you’ll read it, but then I again I doubt Big Sam will read yours.

Please see below my comments in blue. Your sage words are in italics.

It's time to add finesse to the steel: An open letter to West Ham manager Sam Allardyce

There's one way to get the West Ham fans on side - and that's by playing football

I think it’s already been established that Allardyce is about as interested in getting the fans “on side” as he is with being Facebook friends with Steve Kean. If there was any doubt, then I think him calling us “deluded” ended the ambiguity. But, anyway, do go on ...

Dear Sam.

Congratulations on taking West Ham back among the elite. But without wishing to rain on anybody's parade or sound in any way churlish, that is only half the job done.

Churlish? Not at all.

Victory against a decent but limited Blackpool outfit on a scorching hot day at Wembley is one matter. That has ensured an immediate return to the Premier League and the Upton Park fans will be delighted at that achievement. But adjustments now have to be made.

Was it scorching hot? Is that relevant?

Winning football through the harsh and demanding world of the Championship was necessary. And as Kevin Nolan pointed out to the Sunday Mirror with two months left of the campaign, it's sometimes necessary, in the cluttered fixture list of the second tier, to win ugly.

Uh huh.

Physical power and endurance were crucial qualities in that division. Now you might consider adding more finesse.

Yeah we’re in the Premier League now – sod power and endurance. You might need power to combat powerhouses like Jonathan Stead, Craig Mackail-Smith and Zavon Hines, but quite frankly Yaya Toure and co are mere lightweights.

As for endurance - Against Doncaster? Yes. Against Coventry? Definitely. Against Manchester United? Not so much.

The West Ham crowd can be passionate and when the team is playing the brand of football that blends aggression with subtlety, there is no better crowd to be behind you.

Yes, before you turned up Sam, Upton Park was a fortress. Those 5-yard sideward passes under Avram used to have us in raptures. Ok well maybe not under Avram, but we used to go wild for Zola. Perhaps not, but we used to chant Pards’s name all the time. Or at least when he got us to an FA Cup final. Er, Roeder … ?

This, after all, is a club where the likes of Billy Bonds was idolised as much as Trevor Brooking.

Ah, the old Billy Bonds chestnut. You forgot to mention Bobby Moore. Tell him about Bobby Moore. And 1966 and all that stuff. Has anyone told him about the West Ham way?

But there has to be a balance - and as a manager, there was proof that your teams is [sic] capable of striking that balance last season. Just remember Birmingham.

Eh?

In that match, towards the end of the season, you will not need reminding that West Ham were trailing 3-1 at half-time at Upton Park and the fans were not slow in letting you and the team know at half-time that they were less than impressed.

Er, yeah we booed our own players off the pitch. We’re all very proud of that.

Come the second half, and it was a different matter. West Ham passed with precision but played with passion. The blend was perfect and although West ham came back to 3-3, they might easily have won such was their dominance. Birmingham were outclassed and that result provided the momentum for the remainder of the season.

“West Ham dominated the second half but most of their attacking was predictable”. The Guardian

So it can be done.

What can be done? Oh yeah, precision and passion? No we’ve established that's nonsense.

There is one way to silence the "we're West ham we play in [sic] the floor" songs. And that is to replicate the form of the last month of the season.

This song was sung during the 4-0 win at Barnsley in April (the last month of the season). What's your feedback for Sam on this game?

Of course there is a place for a no-nonsense approach at times and survival next season is paramount.

So a no-nonsense approach is only necessary if we want to avoid relegation? Ok, I’m undecided.

But so is keeping the West Ham crowd on-side and if that second 45 minutes against Birmingham is a blueprint, then you will achieve that. In football, reputations are easy to earn and hard to lose. No-one doubts your teams can play and Blackburn will be cursing the fact that you were released and Steve Kean was brought in as a sub-standard replacement.

No, that 45 minutes against Birmingham is not a blueprint. 6-0 against Brighton is a blueprint. 4-0 against Watford. 4-0 against Barnsley. 4-0 against Blackpool. 4-1 against Blackpool. 4-1 against Nottingham Forest. 3-0 against Cardiff. Why do you keep harping on about a 45 minutes against Birmingham in which we continually lumped the ball up to Carlton Cole’s head? Was this the only match you saw last season? Were you awake during it?

But just a sprinkling more football and a tad less reliance on power and the crowd will be with you.

A sprinkling more football and a tad less reliance on power. And that, ladies and gentleman, is all you need to know about football. And to think of all those hours Allardyce spends studying stats. Dickhead.

They are certainly not one to have against you.

Thanks Steve for explaining to our manager just how simple it all could be. How about this for next week's column: 'Syria: why the government and the opposition just need to get along.'

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