How I learned to stop worrying and love West Ham

I have a confession to make. On Tuesday night, I left the ground before the final whistle. I had had enough. Ninety minutes was as much as I could endure. The players had done well and were unlucky to come away with just a point. By contrast, a small but not insignificant section of the crowd were nothing short of a disgrace.

A game in which West Ham had 63% possession and made 19 attempts on goal, was interspersed with groans and rounded off with jeers. No amount of effort to dislodge Bristol City’s well-parked bus could sway the boo boys. For some, it is either win or bust.

After the last five years of misery ended with inevitable relegation, the team, consisting predominantly of new players, has gelled quickly and finds itself in the automatic promotion places. But many fans seem to have forgotten how to embrace success. It is as though supporting the team as they lose in a relegation scrap is more tolerable than persevering with the odd dropped point as we fight our way to promotion.

It is the nature of a 46-game division where teams routinely play twice in four days that not every game is going to be a free-flowing rout. A look at the season-to-date form of our top-six neighbours demonstrates this only too well.

6. Hull City – Have only managed a goal a game and have failed to beat relegation strugglers Doncaster Rovers, Bristol City, Nottingham Forest and Barnsley.

5. Cardiff City – A defence worthy of a team fighting for survival has resulted in Malky MacKay’s men conceding at least three goals in four different games.

4. Crystal Palace – Four league defeats already this season and the only team out of eight to go to Doncaster and lose.

3. Middlesbrough – Have only won two out of seven home games and until beating Derby recently had gone six games without winning.

1. Southampton – Let’s not pretend they have been anything other than awesome but away from St Mary’s they have been beaten by Leicester, Cardiff and Crystal Palace. Infallible they are not.

And that is without even mentioning those teams – Leicester City, Nottingham Forest, Birmingham City, Ipswich Town, Leeds United – tipped to push hard for promotion at the start of the season, but who a third of the way in sit outside of the top six

This is not to do any of those teams a disservice, rather to emphasise the unavoidable inconsistency of any team at this level. Would any West Ham fan really want to trade places with a team other than Southampton?

Let’s not forget, our last promotion in 2005 was hardly plain sailing. A 4-1 defeat to Cardiff (who finished 16th), anyone? A 1-0 home defeat to Brighton (who finished 20th)? In fact, in total that season we lost 15 games. Even Sunderland, the runaway champions (who amassed 94 points), lost ten games. A third of the way through this season we have lost just three. Go figure.

Every paying fan has the right to voice their grievances. Under the tenures of Glen Roeder and Avram Grant I was the first person to let the bench know what I thought. But surely over the past five years there have been more appropriate times than now to barrack the players (if indeed you are so inclined). For example:

• 2010/11 - During last season’s 10-game winless streak which culminated in a 3-0 defeat at home to Sunderland. Did supporters boo? No, they made a conga. (See my earlier point about fans being more comfortable with failure than success).

• 2009/10 – A 3-1 home defeat to an awful Wolves side as the team ended the season with a relegation-worthy 35 points.

• 2008/09 – A 1-0 home defeat to Aston Villa that left us with just one win in 12 games.

• 2007/08 – Three consecutive 4-0 defeats

• 2006/07 – Any time during an 11-game winless streak which left us bottom of the league. A 6-0 defeat to Reading and a 4-0 defeat to Charlton were particular humiliations. In the latter game, the fans continued to sing and dance even as Charlton scored. (See my earlier point about fans being more comfortable ... )

But, no. Instead, some fans deem a game that leaves us second in the table as the appropriate time to jeer their team.

Carlton Cole, who has had a goal tally in double figures in each of the last three seasons (seasons where the performances of the team around him have been largely pitiful) continues to be used as a scapegoat. Even the idea that a team in second place needs a “scapegoat” is laughable.

At the start of this season, Cole scored four goals in four matches, before picking up an injury. Within seconds of his entrance as a substitute on Tuesday, the idiot behind me (you know the one I mean) began to ridicule him with an energy I have never heard him use against an opposition player. It makes the word ‘supporter’ seem quite ironic.

The idiot’s jeering was not exclusive to Tuesday night’s game, although it did start particularly early. After about eight minutes, the first negative cries could already be heard. At any point in any game where we are not winning, you can rely on the usual clichés: “Attack the ball”, “There’s no movement”, “Want it West Ham”. Those were the nicer comments.

This problem is not exclusive to West Ham. Many Wolves fans have voiced their discomfort at having to watch games in the company of others whose sole reason for attending games seems to be to abuse the players and staff.

In a recent copy of When Saturday Comes, Bradford City fan Jason McKeown wrote about the blight of ABBs (Annoying Bloke Behind). He offers a plausible theory.

“Through childhood your club’s players were heroes and you had posters of them all over your bedroom. As you get older that relationship seems to change – perhaps a crushing realisation that our heroes are humans with flaws occurs too often – and adulation is replaced by apathy.”

Indeed, grown men turning up to a football ground on a Saturday to hurl abuse is hardly a new phenomenon. What does seem a more modern obsession, however, is the short-sighted berating of a team who are, relatively speaking, performing rather well.

Whether it is envy of the players’ wealth and lifestyle, an unwavering hatred of Sam Allardyce or an unhappy home life, many fans seem immune to the idea of actually enjoying this season, regardless of what it brings.

Having endured so much genuine dross over the last few seasons I, and hopefully the majority of fans, will not be letting the odd dropped point against Bristol City ruin what has the potential to be a very successful season. Even the idiot behind me won’t stop that.

Follow Love In The Time Of Collison @OnWestHam

Spitting games

Diouf. Dioufy. Dioufy-wioufy. Call him what you want, Sam - El-Hadj Diouf is still the most hated player in British football. Rarely are West Ham fans united by a common view. The proposed Stratford move is testament to that. But the potential signing of the Senegalese appears to have broken the mould.

“Knowing someone like Dioufy, I just have to let him get fit and see if he looks in good condition when he trains with us,” said Allardyce . “There is something missing from our squad and Diouf could be that missing link.”

Going in to this weekend’s games, only two teams had scored more than West Ham, so that missing link does not appear to be goals. Indeed, Dioufy’s goalscoring record is about as impressive as that of Titi Camara, another Liverpool flop inflicted on West Ham with dire consequences.

At Liverpool he scored once in every 13 games, at Bolton (excluding his loan spell) once every 7 games, at both Blackburn and Rangers once every 15 games. At Sunderland, he failed to score in 14 games before the Mackems gave up on him. The only time he has ever been prolific was during his 27-game loan spell at Bolton, where he was effectively playing for a permanent contract. That tells you a lot about his motivation.

So what else does he bring to the table? Dioufy apologists (which so far as I know number Mrs Diouf and Sam Allardyce) would argue that defences hate to play against him. His cynical gamesmanship, such as blocking goalkeepers from set pieces, may infuriate opposition fans, but that it does so, is perhaps testament to its effectiveness.

Such bending of the rules has become ever more prevalent during the ten years that he has plied his trade in Blighty. In this respect, Kevin Nolan is hardly an angel. Few objections were raised at his arrival in east London (except perhaps from his wife). But for Diouf, the mud has stuck.

Allardyce sees his short-term remit in straightforward terms: to get West Ham promoted. In his mind, it is illogical to jeopardise this by rejecting a player that he believes to be “quality”, just because people don’t like him as a person. And let’s face it, while his “quality” is very much up for debate, this is not what West Ham fans are up in arms about. It is the fact that Diouf has a history of spitting at players and supporters. Including those of West Ham.

In 2002, he was accused of spitting at West Ham fans while warming up as a substitute for Liverpool during a game at Anfield. Although Merseyside Police found no evidence that an offence had been committed, the incident was deemed serious enough for Liverpool to issue an apology to West Ham. This was the start of things to come.

In 2003, he was fined two weeks’ wages and banned for two games for spitting at Celtic fans. He also pled guilty to a charge of assault. In 2004, he was again charged by police for spitting at an 11-year-old Middlesbrough fan. Just weeks later, he spat at Portsmouth player, Arjan de Zeeuw. In addition, there have been allegations of telling an Everton ballboy to “fuck off, white boy”, as well as taunting QPR’s Jamie Mackie, as he lay on the pitch with a broken leg.

Hammers fans have reacted with fury to the idea that this behaviour could soon be played out at Upton Park. Some of the responses, as is the wont of a minority of West Ham fans, have been needlessly over the top. It is not necessary to cite Bobby Moore, in order to argue persuasively that Diouf should not be seen in claret and blue.

West Ham do not possess a moral superiority lacking in other clubs. 95% of football fans would not want Diouf anywhere near their club. Allardyce, however, is banking on the fickleness of the typical football fan. He may be in for a shock. Adebayor-loving Tottenham Hotspur we are not.

“As most of the fans have taken to him everywhere he’s been, [West Ham fans will] love him”, he said. Did Blackburn fans love him? Liverpool and Sunderland fans unquestionably did not. At Bolton, the fans did take to him. It is the assumption that West Ham and Bolton fans are no different, that is Allardyce’s blindspot.

Given Bolton’s limited resources and fanbase, merely by being above the Premier League relegation scrap - let alone in the Europa League - they have been punching above their weight. It is for this reason that their supporters, like Stoke fans, do not simply tolerate the ugly side of football; they embrace it. To the tune of Tony Christie’s ‘Amarillo’ (such are the cultural reference points of Bolton fans) their supporters would sing, “El-Hadj Diouf will spit on you”. Would that happen at Upton Park? Not in a month of Europa League-necessitated Sundays.

It says a lot about Allardyce’s mindset that he is happy to endure the inevitable backlash over a player who in reality is anything but quality. Despite bemoaning the rough treatment he received at the hands of Newcastle and their fans, he refuses to take any lessons from the experience. Like the Geordies, West Ham fans see the game as being about more than just the three points. By ignoring this fact, Allardyce is leaving himself little slack, should results start to take a turn for the worse.

He is clearly banking on West Ham fans rallying behind Dioufy once they come up against opposition fans taunting a player in claret and blue. Indeed, West Ham fans are not immune to backing a bad boy, Craig Bellamy and Lee Bowyer being more recent examples. If he turns in a few good performances and bags some important goals, the fans may learn to tolerate him. That is a big if, and it is very much a best-case scenario.

Even more baffling, is that he would choose to do this at a time when we are spolit for attacking options. John Carew and Sam Baldock are Sam’s own signings and have made promising starts. Frederic Piquionne and Carlton Cole are proven in the Premier League, let alone the Championship. The interest in Diouf suggests not that this would be an emergency signing, but that he would be an integral piece in creating a typical Allardyce team.

Fans have so far tolerated a more direct style of football, a concern that Allardyce addressed when he joined the club by saying: “I can modify the module for the particular culture and the way of playing”. It was classic Allardyce management speak, but the implication was clear: West Ham will not be Bolton Mark II. The signing of Diouf would betray this suggestion of pragmatism as a lie.

The cynical West Ham fans will proclaim this as proof of a leopard not changing its spots. The majority of fans, who want Allardyce to succeed, will be left to despair.

Follow Love In The Time Of Collison @OnWestHam

House of cards

When the final whistle blew on Saturday afternoon, Upton Park was almost half empty. Not because fans had walked away in disgust, but because of the opportunity that a 4-0 lead afforded them to avoid the gridlock that is E13 on matchdays (see above). Last week, the chance to move to Stratford and escape that gridlock for ever suddenly became a distant dream.

A week ago, West Ham fans woke to a familiarly depressing outcome. It was only two years ago that we were hit with the bombshell that our Icelandic owners had caved to Kevin McCabe’s media-backed whining, by agreeing to compensate Sheffield United to the tune of £20m. This time it was the Government caving to the whining of Daniel Levy and Barry Hearn.

As a West Ham fan, getting your head round this latest disappointment is made all the more challenging by the fact that everyone involved with this saga is talking utter rubbish. Karren Brady got the ball rolling last Tuesday when she declared, “We understand Ministers will make a statement later and will not pre-empt that”, before going on to do exactly that.

When the Sports Minister, Hugh Robertson, did speak, it was to claim that: “The key point is the action we have taken today is about removing the uncertainty”, ignoring the fact that no-one has any idea how this will all end.

Barry Hearn declared that he “couldn’t be happier if we had beaten West Ham in the Cup final”, underlying that his preoccupation is not with football, but with a fight for the sake of a fight. The money generated by last season’s FA Cup run presumably now sits in the bank account of Leyton Orient’s solicitors. O’s fans, whose team sit in the League One relegation zone, must be a tad frustrated that this money could not be invested in new players.

The newspapers reporting the story were no better. The Telegraph refused to acknowledge the existence of the Boelyn Ground by declaring West Ham ‘homeless’. But a day of bullshit would not be complete without Boris having his say.

“I believe it will also put us in the place where we always intended to be - delivering a lasting sustainable legacy for the stadium backed up by a robust but flexible business plan that provides a very good return to the taxpayer”. How £2m annual income for a stadium that cost £500m - and will incur £50m conversion costs and £5m annual running costs - is anyone’s guess.

The only way to wade through this balderdash, is to question Hearn and Levy’s winning argument: that £40m of funding from Newham Council is, under EU law, illegal state aid.

While it may be tempting to rail at Barry Hearn’s lack of class, Daniel Levy’s spitefulness and EU bureaucracy, the rule regarding state aid does not seem without logic and, fair or not, are there not people on West Ham’s payroll who are employed for their legal expertise?

If the rates that Newham were going to charge us were - as is claimed by the club - ‘commercial’ and not preferential, then why did we not seek the financing elsewhere? Had we done so, Hearn and Levy would have had no case and the keys to the Olympic Stadium would be ours.

It is this same kind of fuzzy thinking that got us into hot water over the signings of Tevez and Mascherano and which may get us in to further transfer-related trouble, as we refuse to pay a small Danish club Winston Reid’s transfer fee, in a tit-for-tat protest over Brescia’s inability to pay Alessandro Diamanti’s transfer fee – an issue that clearly has nothing to do with FC Midtjylland.

Brescia may be in the wrong (although their zero valuation of Diamanti seems accurate) but ripping off a completely innocent Danish club is completely perverse. It’s what cowboys do. And that is how our club is run.

For once, can we not get our own house in order before seeking to blame others. As regards the Diamanti situation, here’s an idea: why not demand the transfer fee up front. In a post-Lehmann Brothers world, that would seem the prudent thing to have done.

David Gold may be many fans’ flavour of the month right now, owing to his love of a retweet, but his tenure at West Ham to date has been nothing short of a disaster. Feeding the fans stories through the media about the return of Carlos Tevez is a great way of papering over the fact. Might it not be an idea to shelve the idea of us signing a prima donna that we cannot afford, and focus on the basics of running a business?

Saturday’s half-time entertainment came in the shape of the club’s new ‘Matchday Lotto’ – an alternative revenue stream that even League Two fans would wince at. There seems to be a feeling of chance to everything the club does right now. Act first. Ask questions later.

The club’s enthusiasm at the prospect of being Manchester City-style tenants in the Olympic Stadium may be well placed, and there may yet be a happy ending. But will the club put in place all the necessary controls to ensure that happy ending materialises with no further controversy? Don’t bet on it.

Follow Love In The Time Of Collison @OnWestHam

Confessions of a West Ham fan

My irritation at fans’ “stay safe” tweets last Saturday reminded me of how often I find myself at odds with my fellow fans. It is a strange truth that a love for a particular football club means that your moods and reference points should be so in sync with tens of thousands of others. But it does not necessarily follow that everyone is singing from the same hymn sheet.

Last weekend’s annoyance stemmed from the infinite well wishing for those martyrs who made the trip to Bermondsey. I found it hard to empathise with this outpouring of support for fans taking on a self-imposed task. When one fan replied to my tweet to question what I had against his simple reminder to a mate to avoid trouble, I realised I had slipped into sanctimony. At times like these I must remind myself of the Radiohead song ‘I Might Be Wrong’.

On the big things, I think I am pretty well aligned with my co-conspirators. Love: Paolo Di Canio, Billy Bonds, Julian Dicks. Hate: Millwall, Spurs, Glen Roeder. There are a few things, however, that seem to set me apart from the mainstream.

The new Kevin Nolan song is atrocious

“When I see you Nolan I go off my fucking head”. So begins the homage to our new captain. As fans we are slow to pen songs in tribute to individual players, so it is odd that after a relatively underwhelming start to his career at West Ham, Nolan should be so quickly honoured with his own ditty.

Aside from the lack of originality (Newcastle had their own Nolan song that was sung to the tune of the same Depeche Mode song) it strikes me as a paean more appropriate for the object of one’s affection, than for a 29-year-old scouser. The young lad a few rows in front of me at the City Ground last month was getting particularly excited, so perhaps to some fans the two things are not mutually exclusive.

Carlos Tevez is a git

There are few players whom I have enjoyed watching in claret and blue more than Tevez. I will never forget that free kick against Spurs - mainly because I had just nipped out for a jimmy riddle and completely missed him jumping into the section of the West Stand Lower where I had been sat just moments earlier. Even from the gents, the roar of the crowd was deafening. We went on to lose that game, but it was undoubtedly a turning point, as Tevez grabbed our season by the scruff of the neck and helped keep us up.

That does not change the fact that Tevez is as big a mercenary as you are likely to find in the modern game. His mate Kia Joorabchian embodies everything that is wrong with football. After a year at Manchester United, Tevez spurned United for their bitter rivals. Two years after signing for City, his predictably poor attitude has resulted in him being stripped of the captaincy as he sulks on the substitute bench. Claims of homesickness appear to be contradicted by a willingness to listen to offers from Spain and Italy. Thanks for the memories Carlos, but I shan’t be following the rest of your career with any interest.

Terry Brown was not half as bad as was portrayed

Brown appointed Glen Roeder as our manager. For that reason alone, he is a complete bastard. But like most chairmen, Brown was always disproportionately villainised. Saying that you dislike your club’s chairman is a bit like saying you’re not too keen on parking attendants. He can be questioned for selling the club to a bunch of clueless bankers, but the money he made on selling his shares was his right. Would Gold and Sullivan swerve the opportunity to make a profit on selling the club? Of course not. No-one would.

Gold and Sullivan love to cite their record of always bouncing back from relegation. If this is a worthy yardstick, it should be noted that under Brown West Ham were rarely outside the top flight. Over the last decade the appalling financial mismanagement of many english football clubs has emerged. Just ask Plymouth Argyle fans. Or Leeds fans. Or even Everton fans. Relatively speaking, I am not sure as West Ham fans we can feel too hard done-by.

The Academy has not been productive since the nineties

Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Jermain Defoe, Glen Johnson, Michael Carrick. Tony Carr is quite rightly regarded as a hero. The success of the Academy in the late nineties, however, has encouraged many to overlook the dearth of talent produced over the last decade.

With the exception of Mark Noble, James Tomkins and Jack Collison, I can think only of players on whom we wasted our time: Zavon Hines, Junior Stanislas, Frank Nouble, Freddie Sears, Kyel Reid, Richard Garcia. And they are just the ones considered good enough to be given a chance in the first team. The end point of our production line used to be the Premier League. Nowadays, it’s League One.

The best reason for moving to the Olympic Stadium is to leave Upton Park

Anyone who read my blog on this subject last December will be in little doubt as to my views, so I won’t bore you all over again. I may not be alone in my pro-Stratford view, but where I do differ from other fans is that my main motivation is to never have to visit Upton Park again.

Whereas exiting most football grounds is a quick and painless process, the narrow, old-fashioned nature of the Boelyn stands means that a five-minute crush has to be endured before reaching the freedom of, er, Green Street. Queuing outside the tube station for 20 minutes as the police stand idle while people jump the queue is accepted as part of the process.

The only argument for staying at Upton Park seems to be one of nostalgia. As Thom Yorke once said: “Don’t get sentimental, it always ends up drivel”.

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The Joey Beauchamp Effect

If this transfer window has taught us one thing, it is that a number of West Ham fans spend a surprisingly large amount of time watching obscure football matches. Taking time out to watch teams such as AEK Athens, Hamburg, MK Dons and Arsenal Reserves is apparently commonplace.

I say this in light of the number of people who were quick to laud our last-minute transfer dealings. I have to confess to only being partly interested in football, being as I am someone who rarely (or should I say never) watches any of the aforementioned teams. For that reason, I keep an open mind about Sam Baldock, Guy Demel, et al. I am at least familiar with David Bentley’s work.

West Ham seem to be riding a wave of optimism at the moment, which has lead to every new signing being welcomed as the second coming. This seems to be especially true in the case of Kevin Nolan, if the rather homoerotic song in tribute of our new scouser is anything to go by.

A dose of cynicism is a healthy way to analyse any newcomer. Surely, in a post-Joey Beauchamp world it is inevitable.

Having been signed from Oxford United for a fee of £1.2m in the summer of 1994, Beauchamp waited about seven minutes before declaring himself homesick and deciding that he had made a terrible mistake. People made fun of Jon Solako for turning down Newcastle for being “too far north” but at least he had the foresight to think it through.

Joey “it’s too far south east” Beauchamp was subsequently sold to Swindon Town without having played a competitive game.

The deal was valued at £800,000 with West Ham acquiring Adrian Whitbread, who was valued at £750,000. In other words, a £1.2m outlay returned to West Ham £50,000 plus Adrian Whitbread. Whitbread played ten games before being sold to Portsmouth for £250,000.

In short, lily-livered Beauchamp cost us £900,000.

For me, Oxford is tantamount to Milton Keynes. The towns are certainly closer to each other than Moscow and Ludek Miklosko’s home country. So it seems only logical to fear that MK Dons recruit Sam Baldock has the potential to be as big a letdown as Beauchamp. In the spirit of keeping an open mind, however, I did make an effort to listen to his interview on BBC’s ‘Inside West Ham’ podcast. Going forward, this is how I shall judge all new signings.

Being interviewed on this show is an unenviable task. The interviewer poses stupid non-questions, such as: “You weren’t a West Ham fan growing up but you obviously know what we’re about?” Baldock replied: “Well in my lifetime, the club has been about yo-yoing divisions and seeking to play as many aimless five-yard side passes as possible, perhaps best embodied by Ian Bishop”.

Suffice it to say, that’s a lie. Baldock gave textbook answers, quickly ticking the “great fans” and “great tradition” boxes. He also talked of wanting to “hit it off” with the players and “bed in”, but that’s more than enough Ian Bishop references for now.

Having witnessed endless lethargic performances over the years, fans will understandably welcome the enthusiasm of an underdog like Baldock. David Bentley is a different matter.

When I think of Bentley, three images come to mind. There is the time when he threw water over Harry Redknapp. The time when he stood behind someone being interviewed on Sky Sports News and waved comically in the background. And the time when he celebrated his flooky goal at the Emirates and the subsequent result by dancing in front of the Spurs fan like a drunk teenager in Magaluf.

It therefore came as something of a surprise when on arriving at West Ham he gave the impression that he was about as happy to be here as Joey Barton at QPR. No talk of great tradition and great fans from him.

“It’s a club that’s … you know … a good club … and they wanted me … it’s in London, so I don’t have to move my family.” As long as he produces the goods on the pitch then he is entitled to be as miserable as he likes. His performance at Upton Park last season for Birmingham suggests though, that this is far from a given.

Fortunately, Bentley’s interview was followed by Papa Bouba Diop, who might just be the happiest man in the world. There was no interview from Henri Lansbury – just a very promising performance and a goal against Portsmouth. Hopefully he can be spared the torture of an ‘Inside West Ham’ interview. If not, here’s hoping he’s more PBD than Bentley.

Follow Love In The Time Of Collison @OnWestHam

The Departed

"Amongst all this directionless mess there is Scott Parker, possibly the greatest leader in the Premier League to find himself without the armband. At half time Foo Fighters’ My Hero was played out over the tannoy. Coincidence or not, it seemed a fitting paean for a player who - a move to Tottenham notwithstanding - is already assured of legendary status amongst West Ham fans."

Love In The Time Of Collison after Parker’s 100th game, November 2010

After more than 20 years of watching West Ham, Paolo Di Canio remains the player who has entertained me more than any other. As a teenager in the late nineties I played as a defender, so Rio Ferdinand will always be the player who most inspired me. But when it comes to a player who I admired the most, Scott Parker wins every time.

There has been some childish criticism of Parker over the last week, with some fans even suggesting he was overrated, standing out simply because he was surrounded by unmotivated and untalented teammates.

There is some truth in the fact that he has been surrounded by unmotivated individuals, but does that not make his own unwavering motivation all the more remarkable. Knowing that a move away from Upton Park at the end of the season was inevitable, what motivated him to deliver that half-time team talk at the Hawthorns which inspired the team to a miraculous recovery? Professionalism. Commitment. Class.

The 3-1 victory over Liverpool last season was arguably Parker’s best game for West Ham, though it was not an untypical performance. He simply ran the game. He always had that rare quality in a midfielder of being equally adept at breaking down the opposition’s attacks and creating his own.

Seeing Parker in the white of England over the last week was a helpful way to ease us in to the horror of seeing him in a Spurs shirt. Strangely, few tears were shed at the departure of the club’s best midfielder for a generation. Everyone just seemed relieved that the inevitable had not been delayed any further. The protracted Cesc Fabregas saga and the damage it has inflicted upon Arsenal is a lesson for others.

It would have been wrong to stand in Parker’s way and his destination club is ultimately irrelevant. What is completely scandalous is that we were paid just £5m.

• He is an England international
• He has four years left on his contract
• He was voted player of the year three years in a row (only Trevor Brooking has achieved this)
• He has just been voted Football Writers Player of the Year, ie the people whose work you and I read, who are paid to watch football for a living decided that last season he was better than Samir Nasri and Luka Modric

For this player, we received £5m.

When I am reminded that Liverpool paid £35m for Andy Carroll I have to stop for a few disbelieving seconds and assure myself that this actually happened. When I recall that - in a world where Jordan Henderson is worth £20m - we received just £5m for Scott Parker, I have to sit down in a dark room and reassure myself that everything will be all right.

The argument that we are saving ourselves £70,000-a-week wages is completely spurious, especially as many of those making this case were simultaneously hoping that Joey Barton would jump on board. If you think that we have been throwing £70k down the drain every week for the last four years then, yes, you should be relieved that the burden of Scott Parker is off our payroll. If you think that at market rates this was actually a good investment, then lament with me on possibly the worst piece of business this club has ever done.

The others

One of the downsides of Twitter is that, try as you might to only follow sane people, you cannot then stop those same people from retweeting the garbage of others. By ‘garbage’ I mean views that conflict with mine.

Football fans can be a sentimental bunch, but surely a line has to be drawn at shedding tears over the loss of Zavon Hines. Hines always struck me as someone who in the school playground would makes his opponents look foolish, but on a Premier League football pitch only made himself look foolish. His performance in last season’s penultimate game at Wigan was woeful. Just days after whining on Twitter about not getting a game, he missed the chance to create and score the goals to keep West Ham up.

Rumour has it that Junior Stanislas was never the nicest chap, but having never met him myself I will decline to comment. I always felt he had the potential that Hines did not, but I still do not think he was ever going to become a Premier League player. Another Jobi McAnuff, perhaps. It will be interesting to see how both players fare at Burnley.

Some fans’ sentimentality even extended as far as Pablo Barrera. There seems to be an assumption that anyone who has not played more than a handful of games for the club and thereby not had the chance to prove their worth, was ultimately destined to be the next Paolo Di Canio. Winston Reid is a good example of a player who looked poor under Avram Grant but has quickly come good under Allardyce’s tutelage. Could the same have happened to Barrera? Do we really care?

The demise of Matthew Upson will always remain a mystery to me. I loved watching Thomas Hitzlsperger but he was not here long enough to get too attached. Ditto, Demba Ba. Radoslav Kovac and Jonathan Spector have become figures of ridicule which is a tad unfair, but their departures do draw a line under four years of misery.

The loss of Parker is the one that hurts. He moves on. And so do we.

We all follow the West Ham over land and TV

Armchair supporters have never had it so good. September has not yet arrived and already the third televised game of the season is upon us. Non-televised games can often be streamed through the internet, the Football League Show provides a mini Match of the Day and Sky Sports News never stops.

As little as 15 years ago, the most you could hope for from the media coverage of West Ham was a Ken Dyer-penned article in the Evening Standard or a mention on Ceefax’s ‘news in brief’ (page 312). Even then you would have to wait another five minutes as the page came back round and you found the hold button on your remote control.

Now there is Twitter and an infinite number of people lining up to interact with you: David Gold, John Carew, Pablo Barrera (both real and fake), Jordan Spence, Blair Turgott, Matthew Fry, David Sullivan’s son, Jack Collison’s brother, West Ham-supporting journalists, West Ham-supporting supporters. Sam Allardyce’s emails. Karren Brady’s Sun column. Podcasts. Blogs. Endless poorly-written, sanctimonious blogs. Even fanzine Over Land and Sea appears to be soldiering on after announcing its cessation last season.

You could quite easily quit your job, dedicate yourself to all things West Ham and still feel out of the loop. As for being an armchair fan, there will never be a substitute for going to the games, especially when the Football League Show is the main medium for following Championship football.

Manish Bhasin is a strange one. Jeremy Paxman, he is not. His interview technique consists of stating the bleeding obvious in question form. Take this Wednesday’s show for example. Following Swindon Town’s win over Bristol City, Manish asks, or rather states: “Having lost their last three games, victory tonight was exactly what Paolo Di Canio would have wanted”.

Not necessarily, Manish. Maybe on this particular night Paolo was feeling a little masochistic and was hoping his team would get annihilated. That would have been my response. Leroy Rosenior instead replied dutifully: “Absolutely, Manish. Blah blah blah ... ”.

On most shows Manish has the company of Steve “so to speak” Claridge. I actually have time for Steve “shall we say” Claridge. Having played for all 92 league clubs, he is unquestionably speaking from experience. Judging by the fly-on-the-wall documentary that followed him round as manager of Weymouth in the early noughties, Steve “as you say” Claridge is not the brightest but has clearly worked hard to get where he is. His enthusiasm is also quite infectious.

Amongst the personalities in the Championship, I already have a few that I look out for. Burnley manager Eddie Howe always looks like he is about to burst into laughter at any moment, which is ironic given how dire his team is. Nigel Adkins must be doing something right at Southampton, but every time he opens his mouth I cannot help but feel he should be doing something else. I cannot put my finger on what but it definitely has nothing to do with football.

In its role as public service provider, the BBC has outbid its commercial rivals for football league highlights, and sees fit to schedule its coverage after midnight. By this time of night I have either fallen asleep on the sofa or drunk so much beer that I need to watch the show again in the morning to remind myself what happened.

Having attended this season’s live games, I have only seen bits of the coverage from BBC and Sky Sports. It is difficult to find too much fault, although the pundits do seem overly keen on reminding viewers that the Championship is a tough and unpredictable league where “there are no easy games”, as if they were the first person to stumble upon this observation.

Then, er, there’s the, um, West Ham, erm, podcast, as two West Ham fans stutter their, erm, way through 40 minutes of West Ham chat every week. Maybe one day I will understand what is funny about pretending to not know how to pronounce Watford. Until that day, I will continue to tune in sporadically, in the hope that the show will improve.

Twitter is a strange dichotomy. Aside from the fact that I lose a couple of hours a day to it, it is a brilliantly simple way to keep up to speed with football news and to follow the sublime ramblings of @TheBig_Sam. Unfortunately, it also brings out the worst in our football club.

David Sullivan’s pre-pubescent son, Jack, recently started tweeting. I have no problem with Jack tweeting about his 11-plus or the onset of hairy armpits, but instead his account is used to discuss the club’s transfer intentions. Gold and Sullivan have always enjoyed hanging their dirty washing in public but this has to be a new low. This week Jack found himself tricked into interacting with the fake Pablo Barrera twitter account. This will all end in tears; it is just a wonder that no-one at the club can see that.

Finally, there are the blogs. In the modern world any idiot can set up a blog in five minutes. Trust me on this one. There must be around 30 West Ham blogs that are updated regularly, many of which have links to each other’s websites. Love In The Time Of Collison sits outside of this fraternity, which is just fine with this blogger (he says, crying into his copy of ‘Blogs for Morons’). Of the more subjective, as opposed to news-based, blogs, Just Like My Dreams is an intelligent and worthwhile blog. That aside, I am struggling.

Possibly the most popular blog is The Game’s Gone Crazy which, judging by its performance on Google search, is a big hit amongst Hammers fans. During the summer it posted an interesting article entitled ’Is it racist to be happy that Nolan is English and white?’ I forced myself to read the deliberately provocative article, and concluded by answering a question with a question: would the blogger have written an article entitled: ‘Is it racist to be disappointed that Carew is black and foreign?’

I could always ask @JCarew10 directly on Twitter. And on it goes ...

Moving on, just not marching on

It occurred to me watching West Ham today that Sam Allardyce no longer spends the first half of games watching from the stand. I have a few theories for this change in routine.

• He needs to talk Ilunga through the game

• Now that he is experimenting with playing football on the deck, he needs to stay at eye level

• He knows that once we are at the Olympic Stadium he will need binoculars to see the game from the stand, so he might as well start getting used to staying on the touchline

• He doesn’t want to get stuck with David Sullivan

• He doesn’t want to get stuck with David Gold

• He doesn’t trust himself not to touch Karren Brady’s knee

There are plenty of reasons to dislike Leeds. My own justification is my memory of our last game at Elland Road in spring 2005. Following a 2-1 defeat, West Ham supporters were kept back for an hour after the game. Making the best of a bad situation, the fans decided to sing a few songs. Crazy, I know. We were then drowned out by deliberately loud music over the tannoy. The stewards refused to advise us of when we could expect to leave. If you want to make 2,000 cockneys angry, this is as effective a method as any.

The Leeds fans today were as charming as ever. After Carlton Cole had the temerity to appeal for what should have been a stonewall penalty, they decided he would be the object of their abuse. ‘You’re just a crap Emile Heskey’, they sang. Then DJ Campbell. Then any black player they could think of. Stick to ‘Marching On Together’, boys. It may be deluded and sentimental but so far as I know it does not imply that all black people look the same.

A section of our fans should hold their heads in shame but for different reasons. Copying an awful, humourless Aston Villa-penned song about John Carew? Surely we’re better than that. Lacking of originality aside, the fans were in great voice and this was one of the best atmospheres at Upton Park for a long time. There was plenty to shout about.

Carlton Cole’s goal after just six minutes was created by an awesome Matt Taylor corner. I don’t tend to get too excited about corners in the same way I don’t tend to get too excited about curtains, but the whip (or ‘swaz’ as Ray Wilkins might say) that Taylor gets on a ball is remarkable. We came close to scoring from set pieces on numerous occasions thanks to his pinpoint delivery.

We were then denied two good penalty shouts (though I haven’t seen them on the TV yet) before Leeds actually did get a penalty. Max Gradel, carrying out an X-Factor style audition for a lucrative contract at West Ham, got a bad case of stage fright. Gary Barlow would not have been impressed.

For those of us in the West Stand, it was a surreal moment. From our viewpoint the ball appeared for all the world to have nestled in Greeno’s bottom right-hand corner. We all sat still waiting for the Leeds players to celebrate. It was only when the Bobby Moore Lower erupted that we cheered in confusion.

In the second half, Leeds grabbed an equaliser, and 26,000 Hammers fans muttered ‘it was coming’. Then within minutes something that definitely wasn’t coming, came. Patrick Kisnorbo smashed the ball into his own net following a wonderful Julien Fauxpas cross.

That appeared to kill the game. There were several chances for us to make the game safe, especially a close-range chance for the increasingly impressive Winston Reid. And then we got the Upton Park heebie jeebies and, well, bottled it.

The fans filed out to the sound of the Magic Numbers’ ‘Forever Lost’. Things are not nearly as bad as that, but every fan will have their own idea of one or two things that need tweaking. For me, George McCartney (or McCarthy as he was referred to in the programme) needs to get fit and in the team asap. Rita is good for 90% of the game but a huge liability for the rest.

There was no kettling of Leeds fans after the game. Both sets of supporters mixed happily in the queue for Upton Park tube station (or at least as happily as you can whilst watching the police stand idle as idiots jump the queue). Maybe it’s the shared stigma of wearing Macron sportswear that brings us together. For a moment it was almost as if the majority of football fans were normal, civilized human beings who don’t actually need to be treated like they’re about to loot Foot Locker.

Having attended our two winless Upton Park games and missed the two victorious awaydays, I travel to Nottingham next weekend, waiting to discover whether the problem is me or Upton Park.

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before

Enoch Powell once said that all political lives end in failure. If he had not been so obsessed with stirring up racial hatred, he may have taken the analysis further and noted that all West Ham managerial lives begin with failure.

West Ham managers come and go. Some are less catastrophic than others. What they all share though is a complete absence of beginner’s luck. This is why we should not despair at Saturday’s one-nil reverse against Cardiff, but instead accept that Big Sam is destined to be a late developer.

Here is a recent history of false starts.

Avram Grant (2010-2011)

Admittedly Grant was consistently hopeless but no other spell during his annus horribilis was ever quite as bad as the start. It is easy to forget that Avram’s tenure did have the odd bright spot: four wins from six at the turn of the year, a 4-0 win over Man Utd, a cup semi-final. However, Grant won just one of his first 14 league games. A final points haul of 33 was embarrassing enough, but the points ratio up to late November extrapolated across the season works out at just 24. There would have been no Portsmouth-style points deduction to explain this one away.

Gianfranco Zola (2008-2010)

Zola was not exactly walking into a club in crisis. Far from it. The previous season West Ham had edged out Tottenham to claim a top-half finish. In September 2008, the Italian inherited a team that had got off to a flyer, having won three of its first four games, including two 4-1 victories. By contrast, only two of Zola’s first 11 games ended in victory. He eventually got it right (that season at least) with the team even bettering the previous year’s finish. But had the form of those first 11 games continued throughout the season, West Ham would have finished bottom, seven points adrift of safety.

Alan Curbishley (2006-2008)

In his first game in charge, Curbs lulled us all into a false sense of security with a stunning win against that season’s champions Manchester United. Sadly, the next 11 games were all winless, and included a 4-0 humiliation at Charlton and a 6-0 massacre at Reading. Once Curbs got it right, he really got it right. Seven wins from the last nine games kept us afloat by three points. The turning point? A 2-1 win at Blackburn inspired by a Bobby Zamora goal that never crossed the line – because Carlos Tevez kept it out.

Alan Pardew (2003-2006)

Having eventually finished his gardening leave at Reading, draw-specialist Pards needed eight games before notching his first West Ham win. On the day he got it right two Marlon Harewood goals saw us smash Wigan 4-0. It went some way to exorcising the demons of the West Brom game three weeks earlier when Wayne Quinn and co managed to turn a 3-0 lead into a 4-3 defeat. Although the team managed to gain some momentum, they were never able to make up the ground lost from this slow start, finishing 12 points adrift of automatic promotion. Big Sam may not want to be too patient in waiting for this year’s squad to adapt to his style.

Glen Roeder (2001-2003)

Like Grant, Rodent was an awful manager. So it is easy to forget that in his first season we finished 7th. Only once since 1986 have the Hammers finished so high. Seven games into the season such an outcome seemed unthinkable, as the team managed just one victory and suffered heavy defeats at Everton (0-5) and Blackburn (1-7). In this particular instance a continuation of the bad early form and a swift sacking would have saved us all a lot of bother.

Harry Redknapp (1994-2001)

Described by his predecessor as a “spiv”, Harry did little in those early days to justify the board’s decision to hand him the knife with which to stab his best mate. The season before, Bonzo had guided us to a respectable 13th finish, ten points clear of relegation and ahead of both Chelsea and Tottenham. Harry won just one of his first eight games and oversaw an embarrassing defeat to Walsall. Back in the days of 22 Premier League teams, West Ham finished a relatively comfortable 14th and the spiv went on to manage us for another six seasons.

Historic trends aside, there were many positives to take from Sunday’s game. The defence looked strong. Winston Reid and James Tomkins seemed to be a decent defensive pairing, with the latter winning everything in the air (granted, Rob Earnshaw and Kenny Miller are not the tallest). Kevin Nolan may not have set the world on fire but his class was obvious. Ditto Matt Taylor. Joey O’Brien rightly took a lot of plaudits. Big Sam’s decision to send Jordan Spence out on loan now appears to make some sense.

Less encouraging were the performances of Scott Parker and the two Freddies. Parker looked like someone working their notice period while carrying out a handover with their replacement. It would be a sad end to an impressive four years at Upton Park, if he were to play out his final games going through the motions. Piquionne was unusually poor in the air. Until Avram mysteriously decided to turn him into a winger, his aerial threat was a major asset last year. As for Sears, I used to question whether he was a Premier League footballer. I am now starting to question whether he is a Championship footballer.

Most rational fans will have come away from Upton Park disappointed by the outcome, but conscious that the result was an unfair one. Anti-climatic it certainly was, but isn't the theory of the new manager bounce factor just a myth anyway? Well, not if you’re Malky Mackay.

Come, Armageddon! Come! - 2011/12 Preview

On more than one occasion last season David Sullivan described the prospect of life outside the Premier League as “Armageddon”. Well if this is the end of the world as we know it, I for one feel fine.

It would take a heart of stone to listen to Sam “I turn dreams into reality” Allardyce over the last few days and not feel some sense of optimism about the new season. The rule of “under promise, over deliver” is not one Big Sam is familiar with, declaring instead that he will be sacked unless he gains promotion at the first attempt. Given the unpredictability of the Championship, that is quite a statement.

West Ham fans are not stupid (well, some of them are) and are unlikely to get on his back just because we are not top of the league after ten games. The positive feeling emanating from the big man should carry us through the early stages of the season, even when the inevitable defeat to Doncaster does happen.

However, expectations have now been set and failure to gain promotion with the likes of Nolan, Parker and Green on board, could lead to Allardyce’s preseason hyperbole eventually coming back to haunt him. A second season outside the Premier League is unlikely to commence with the same excited anticipation.

So on the subject of making proud preseason assumptions that do not materialise, here are Love In The Time Of Collison’s top ten predictions for the 2011/12 season.

1. One-nil to the cockney boys

Indications from the preseason friendlies are that Hammers’ fans will not be suffering from the neck ache that Allardyce’s critics would have you believe. That said, even if the football is entertaining enough, it’s likely that performances will be efficient and clinical. Why waste energy sticking four goals past Peterborough when three days later you have to do it all over again against Ipswich. At the time of writing we are 7/1 to beat Cardiff 1-0. That may just be a good bet and a familiar scoreline.

2. Player of the year: Matt Taylor

The signing of Kevin Nolan was such a coup that any subsequent arrivals will inevitably pale into insignificance. We have been so spoilt that Messi could be snapped up tomorrow and fans would shrug and say ‘he’s a bit greedy though, isn’t he’. As a result, Taylor’s signing has been met with minimal excitement, with some even exasperated at the arrival of another ex-Bolton player. Known mainly for some spectacular long-range goals, Taylor is actually a real all-rounder who mixes high work-rate with natural ability. In the Premier League he is a handful. In the Championship he will be unstoppable.

3. Millwall hoodoo to be broken

Don’t know why, just got a feeling. Maybe Sam being an ex-player or something.

4. Big Sam to re-write I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles

I picture Sam reading the lyrics to himself with disdain ... “And like my dreams, they fade and die? Fade and die? We’ll be having none of that, you underachieving cockneys. I turn dreams into reality, me. And like my dreams, they come to life … - that’s more like it. Fortune’s always hiding? We’ll be having no hiding here, soft lad. No, no. Fortune’s round the corner. That’s where fortune is. Pretty bubbles in the air? Bubbles? Pretty? Footballs are what go in the air, not bubbles.”

5. A few surprises in the Championship

Given the history of this division, this is about as outlandish a prediction as guessing that Joey Barton is about to tweet some self-serving drivel. So to add some substance to my prediction, I would argue that Leeds and Ipswich - destined to finish outside the play-offs according to the bookies - are good value at odds of about 5/1 and 4/1 respectively for promotion. At the other end of the table I fear for Derby even with the added investment over the summer, and odds of 6/1 for relegation look attractive. Peterborough will definitely go down but the odds reflect that, so probably not worth a flutter.

6. The kids to make little impact

A lot has been made of Allardyce’s willingness to give youth a chance in the close-season friendlies, but the decision to allow Jordan Spence to leave on a year-long loan to Bristol City may be more telling. Given the net outflow of players this summer, the likes of Sears, Hines, Stanislas and Nouble are likely to be called upon when injuries arise, but whether they are considered first choices is doubtful.

7. Scott Parker to be gone by end of August; Greeno gone in January

Just a hunch. If I’m wrong, I’ll be happy.

8. Starting XI for last game vs Hull to have at least five changes from opening game vs Cardiff

Of the outfield players that lined up against Sunderland for the final game of last season, James Tomkins was the only survivor from the opener against Aston Villa. Admittedly, Allardyce differs from Avram Grant in that he understands things like tactics, and may therefore settle on his best XI a little more quickly. But with comings and goings still likely in August and again in January, don’t expect a settled side any time soon.

9. Sam Brown’s ‘I Feel Good’ to kick in when we score at Upton Park

Now that really would make me give up my season ticket. Or maybe Sam will look for something that he can - to use his word - “modify” for the East End. Then again, perhaps he’ll just appreciate being at a club where the fans do not need an atmosphere to be artificially created for them.

10. Some good awaydays

Our last tenure in the Championship gave me the opportunity to visit many grounds for the first time, including Pride Park, Elland Road and Valley Parade. With those stadiums now ticked off the list, new grounds present themselves, including the shiny new Brighton ground. The trip there on 22 October, comes four days after Southampton entertain us. If ever there were a time for taking an all-week sickie, this might just be it. Home games are likely to be tarred by continued London Underground closures. Here’s hoping that this season, the long walk from Canning Town will be worth the effort.

Come. On. You. Irons.

Stuff Doesn’t Happen

Sam Allardyce has been in the job just under two months, has yet to oversee a competitive match and has his hands tied by the unexpected absence of interest in his key assets. But that’s really no reason to wait any longer to judge him. So barren is the close season, that it becomes the bored supporter’s prerogative to read something into absolutely nothing.

Walking away from Victoria Road on Tuesday night, one glance at my Twitter feed showed me that this is how many normally sane fans actually view what the rest of us dismiss as ‘silly season’. One media-based fan who shall remain nameless - as I actually quite like him - was instantly bemoaning the lack of inspiration he felt at a 1-0 win over Dagenham. What next – a 3-0 defeat to Hull and Liverpool fans start calling for the head of King Kenny?

Avram’s near-perfect preseason record should tell us everything we need to know about the significance of close-season friendlies. Frustrating though it may be, one just has to accept that the summer months are a time of wait and see.

There is nothing more tortuous than a protracted transfer saga. The current Scott Parker situation is in danger of turning into a Fabregasian nightmare. The summer started with rumours of a move to Spurs or Arsenal. Then a move to Turkey was mooted. Then it was Chelsea. Then Villa. Chelsea again, but just on loan.

I love Scott Parker possibly more than any other player I have watched in over 20 years. I love him more than I hate Avram Grant and Glen Roeder combined. But there is a weariness in me that screams: ‘Please just sell him so we can all get on with the rest of our lives’.

But amongst the tittle-tattle, there is a tiny amount of substance to cling on to. There are certain things that we do now know that we didn’t on 1 June, when Sam Allardyce became the new gaffer.

For one, it appears that he is quite keen to tap into the resource that is the Academy. With one week to go until the start of the season, only three major signings have been made, with Allardyce opting against filling the squad with middle-of-the-road Championship journeymen. His team selections so far suggest that, like ex-Hearts player Craig Thomson, he is keen to give youth a chance.

By the end of the game on Tuesday, Robert Green was the only experienced player on the pitch and I was struggling to name even half the players. A couple of the whipper snappers looked particularly sharp (does anyone know who the no. 17 was?), and I look forward to their debuts. It’s the ones who have already made it into the first team that worry me.

I want Freddie Sears to succeed. I really do. I want it more than I want Birmingham City bankrupt. But the truth is he has been living off that debut goal against Blackburn for the last three years. I just don’t know what his strengths are. He is not a goalscorer. He doesn’t take players on. He is not a great crosser. Prove me wrong, Freddie. I dare you.

Since Mark Noble broke into the team in 2004, only Jack Collison has proven himself. The kids are alright. But not much more.

The other thing that the Dagenham game indicated, is that Big Sam may just be true to his word and give us some entertaining football. Was there the odd long ball? Yes. Any more than we have been used to seeing over the last ten years? Nope. For the most part it was players trying to knock it to feet. Easier perhaps against a League Two outfit, but encouraging nonetheless.

Finally, what is indisputable about the big fella is that he likes to stick with what he knows. Eidur Gudjohnsen was a near escape, but it’s hard to argue with the signings of Kevin Nolan, Matt Taylor and Abdoulaye Faye. Taylor looked especially good in the first half of the Daggers game. His class was there for all to see and his continued and patient acknowledgement of the fans’ chants was a nice touch.

Even Joey O’Brien (who at the time of writing was poised to sign a contract) stood out as being particularly enthusiastic. Then again, every game for him so far has been like a job interview. He may yet solve our long-running right back problem.

One thing I’m still not sure about is exactly what I call our new boss, having historically referred to him as Fat Sam. It seems that my naming convention is dictated by how happy I am with him. If he does something good, like sign Kevin Nolan, he’s Big Sam. If he does something disappointing, like try to sign Eidur Gudjohnsen, he’s Fat Sam. Otherwise, he’s just Allardyce. So far, so good, Big Sam.

If you enjoy Love In The Time Of Collison please take a minute to recommend it to the Guardian who are looking for blogs to include on their football league website. Go on. You know you want to.

The Relegation Hangover Part II

West Ham fans are well acquainted with reacclimatising to life in the second tier. Every relegation is unhappy in its own way but these latest two demotions feel worthy of comparison, bookends as they are to one of the most tumultuous periods in our history. Seven managers in eight years is testament to that.

For many, relegation this time actually felt quite cathartic, a possibility of closure, a chance to rebuild and stabilise under a manager with a reputation for organisation and discipline. But it does not alter the fact that life in the Championship is a slog and, even for the teams at the top, inevitably comes with some poor performances and embarrassing results.

Some games from the 2003/04 and 2004/05 seasons will haunt us for years to come: a home defeat to relegation strugglers Brighton; losing 2-0 to Gillingham; 4-1 defeats at the hands of Cardiff and Millwall; turning a 3-0 lead against West Brom into a 4-3defeat.

Even when we were winning, the opposition was hardly inspiring. Opponents included Bradford, Walsall, Crewe, Rotherham, as well as some team called Wimbledon who put the words ‘Football Club’ at the end of their name.

And then there were the players: Pavel Srnicek; Brian Deane; Sergei Rebrov; Adam Nowland (who I once nearly convinced myself wasn’t that bad); John Harley; Richard Garcia; Andy Melville. I could go on.

Neil Mellor; Wayne Quinn; Maurico Tarrico; Shaun Newton; Darren Powell …

Our two-year tenure in the Championship is one many of us actually look back on quite fondly. There were some genuinely good times, as the likes of Zamora, Harewood and Etherington flourished. This has helped to generate optimism about the upcoming campaign. Two games every week. A chance to see some new grounds. Winning more than losing - hopefully.

It is not until the season is underway though, that the reality hits home. Shaking that feeling of ‘we shouldn’t be here’ is all but impossible. And it only gets harder with time. I can only assume Sheffield Wednesday fans walk round in a permanent state of despair. Their Yorkshire rivals Leeds have now been out of the top flight for seven years. It is hard not to have some empathy with fans so accustomed to better things. But since this is Leeds, all one actually feels is lots and lots of schadenfreude.

Three weeks before the season starts, there are still many question marks:

• Will they stay or will they go? If we hold on to Scott Parker, Robert Green and Carlton Cole, is it for good or will they be off at the turn of the year, as David James and Jermaine Defoe were in 2004? Was it that lack of stability that did for us in 2003/04?

• Some very good players have left. Some very bad players have left. But was there not a case for keeping the likes of Jonathan Spector and Lars Jacobsen, players who could surely hold their own in the Championship? The recruitment process seems to be slower than Pablo Barrera.

• Are the most recent Academy products really any good? Junior Stanislas? Not sure. Jordan Spence? I think so. Zavon Hines? I fear not.

• What style of football will we play? Over the last few weeks many of us have found ourselves turning into Allardyce apologists, myself included. But think back to Blackburn under Big Sam. Dull one-nil wins scraped from a deflected shot as Diouf takes out the goalkeeper. Deluded or not, will we fans really be able to stomach that?

Our last dalliance with the Championship began and ended with wins against Preston. The setting for this climax was Cardiff, whose Bluebirds are our first opponents as we start all over again. We left the Millennium Stadium in May 2005, oblivious to what the subsequent years would hold: Alan Pardew’s indiscretions; Carlos Tevez and a £25m pay-off; bankrupt Icelandic owners; Gold and Sullivan; the end of the Boelyn Ground; Avram fucking Grant.

Perhaps that’s the point. Nothing is certain. But this is West Ham. What we do know is, it ain’t gonna be straightforward.

You're the one for me, Fat Sam

The swift and surprisingly popular appointment of Avram Grant’s successor has enabled West Ham fans to quickly move on from denial and anger to some kind of acceptance. Compared to the despair of 2003, relegation in 2011 seems rather cathartic. 2003 was the one that really hurt. My enduring memory? A fat bloke from Dudley dancing on a football pitch in Bolton, basking in the misery of my team’s misfortune.

Less than a year later Sam Allardyce was - in Hammers fans’ eyes - shooting Bambi by ridiculing Sir Trev’s appointment as the Football Association's director of football development.

“I do feel very strongly ... that he is not qualified to be doing the job”, raged the big man. “Like many managers I have spent a lot of time and money over the past five years getting qualified, only for the FA to appoint someone completely unqualified for one of their top jobs”.

He might as well have called Bobby Moore an overrated twat and been done with it.

In the following years, the only thing offensive about Allardyce has been his love of El Hadji Diouf and his cynical tactics. Encouraging players to obstruct opposing goalkeepers from set pieces is a particular favourite, allowing his supporters to bask in the glory of a deflected goal here, a tap-in there.

So what is it that makes 81% of us so positive about the appointment of this ex-Millwall player? Even those players that played under the great John Lyall - Alvin Martin, Tony Cottee, Julian Dicks, Frank McAvennie - could not wait to endorse him. Is it desperation or a sense of perspective?

The answer to that may determine Allardyce’s longevity in east London. One of the more telling fans’ comments came from Nick Frost (he of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz fame) who tweeted: “People saying West Ham won't play beautiful football under Big Sam. Grow up. We just got relegated.”

It is a popular sentiment and one that seems to suggest that Allardyce is being welcomed as a short-term solution, someone who can fix us before we return to the “West Ham way”. So long as he gets us promotion, few will grumble about direct football – and let’s not kid ourselves that we’re in for anything else. But would a couple of seasons of midtable mediocrity, or worse, in the Premier League not prompt the romantics among us to quickly yearn for a West Ham man? It will be hard for Hammers’ fans to avoid monitoring with interest Paolo Di Canio’s progress at Swindon Town. Or even Malky MacKay’s at Cardiff.

But what is Sam’s thinking in all of this? His interview with Talksport did not suggest a change in style, more a weariness at what he believes are misconceptions.

“I’ve had that long, boring tag with me for many years and it will always crop up for me now, unfortunately. If people cast their minds back to some of the teams I’ve managed, it’s a bit of a nonsense but I can’t relinquish that tag. I’m well aware of the type of football West Ham play, but have they played that recently? Realistically they haven’t, because they’ve just been relegated.”

Criticism for playing direct football does seem a tad unfair. David Moyes and Martin O’Neill are great managers but their teams are hardly easy on the eye, so why single out Sam? It is the cynicism of Allardyce’s teams - the reliance on set pieces, brute force, winding up the opposition - that we may yet come to loathe. Not that it will be a completely new experience. Craig Bellamy, anyone? Lee Bowyer? Neil Ruddock?

Relegation for West Ham in 2003, as in 2011, was never really about misfortune. It was about managerial incompetence. Even Allardyce’s harshest critics would not level that accusation at him. Guaranteed at least is that we finally have a manager who will motivate, organise and win football matches. This is why we are welcoming Fat Sam with open arms. Whether we learn to love him and he love us remains to be seen. For now we are dancing to Sam’s tune.

Hate to say I told you so

In the week that alleged West Ham fan Barack Obama flew into the UK, the Hammers’ hunt for a new special relationship continued apace. The fact that Martin O’Neill tops the fans’ opinion poll on KUMB says a lot about our supporters’ inability to control their expectations. We have never landed a big-name manager, so what would attract one now: A squad on the verge of being decimated? The chance to work with Gold and Sullivan? A set of fans sceptical of outsiders, demanding beautiful football and instant success?

This, the final blog of the 2010/11 season, is a self-indulgent collection of my favourite bits. On re-reading them the one thing I notice - aside from some horrendous typos - is that the humour that pervades early on, by late autumn has shifted to an anger that never really departs. Except that is when I’m laughing at Barry Hearn.

Oh, and I also took that FA Cup defeat to Stoke quite badly.

Avram Grant

“In Israel, Avram Grant is known as a “lucky winner”. I believe this is intended as an insult but, if true, sounds like a pretty useful trait. I am yet to be convinced that he possesses many others.” - August

“I could speculate on the wisdom of signing six new players and not selecting one of them in the starting eleven (in favour of Kovac and Boa Morte) but there’s plenty of the season left yet to try to understand how Avram’s mind works.” - September

“Avram suggested recently that he would feel no more worried were we to be in this position come April. To put that ill-advised comment in context, March ends with a trip to White Hart Lane, while opponents in April include Chelsea, Man United, Man City, as well as a trip to Bolton. Avram may pride himself in playing it cool, but fans will be forgiven for mistaking this as complacency.” - November

“Insincerity permeated from Avram Grant on Saturday as he claimed to be “delighted” with West Ham’s performance against Blackpool. The current excuses of bad luck (we've been saved by the woodwork more than any other premier league team this year) and bad refereeing decisions (Marlon's perfectly legitimate goal?) can only last so long.” - November

“Indeed, Avram possesses that Roederian inability to at least acknowledge his team’s failings, choosing instead to patronise the fans with suggestions that we are simply in a false position and that we are absolutely heading in the right direction.” – December

“Why oh why does he think it a good idea to play Victor Obinna, Demba Ba and Zavon Hines in midfield? They are attacking players and Lars Jacobsen and Wayne “skin me if you can ... oh you just did” Bridge were left horribly exposed. The winning goal [by Aston Villa] was the last of numerous examples.” – April

“There can have been few more symbolic moments this season than that at Eastlands two weeks ago, as the pages of Avram Grant’s notebook fell from his grip and blew into the wind. As the camera zoomed in, it transpired that they were blank. Roberto Mancini looked on bemused.” - May

“The manager has never been remotely close to deciding upon his best eleven. Of the ten players that lined up for the first game of the season at Villa Park, only James Tomkins started at the DW Stadium today. And even he has been continually and inexplicably dropped following solid performances.” - May

Hope

“The second half [at Wolves] is unlikely to be bettered for dominance this season. We completely overperformed. Tal-Ben Haim suddenly looked useful. Luis Boa Morte started completing passes. At one point I thought Mike Newell might make a return and hit a shot on target.” - October

“Eight years on from the season in which Rodent managed to sink the unsinkable, there was something cathartic about seeing this suddenly promising-looking set of players get the better of Joe Cole and Glen Johnson.” - February

“The sight of Tomas Repka at Anfield last week brought back unhappy memories of a season, not too dissimilar to the current one, in which West Ham sleepwalked into the Championship. In February 2003, Liverpool came to Upton Park and tore apart a West Ham defence containing Repka, Rufus Brevett and a soon-to-be-retired Nigel Winterburn. Yesterday, with Joe Cole and Glen Johnson having long since swapped claret and blue for red and white, it was Liverpool who were torn apart.” - February

Despair

“Are we really surprised that a side comprising James Milner, Ashley Young and Stilyan Petrov was able to so comfortably beat a team containing James Tomkins, Luis Boa Morte and Radoslav Kovac?” - August

“At present, I feel little affinity with a manager whose appointment I never could fathom and I certainly am not revelling in any kind of underdog status so early in the season. At the Chelsea game though, I was conscious of others already embracing this us-against-them ethos. At the final whistle, a man behind me stood up, pushed out his chest and proudly clapped for what seemed to me like an eternity, bursting with pride at this 3-1 defeat. He presumably saw this as a sign of loyalty. Conversely, I found it a bit embarrassing and symbolic of just how quickly people’s expectations have plummeted.” – September

“If Hitzlsperger were to never make an appearance for West Ham (which in a post-Dean Ashton world genuinely worries me) he would still finish higher in my estimation than Boa Morte. If there was one thing more annoying than watching him continually lose the ball against Fulham, it was having to listen to my dad keeping a tally.” - October

“Tal-Ben Haim: He’s ex-Chelsea, he’s fat, and his one significant contribution to his solitary league appearance was to kick the ball out of play when a Chelsea player fell on the floor. Thanks Tal.” - October

“There were groans aplenty last night (Carlton was again targeted despite being isolated by the 4-3-3 formation) but special groaning was saved for players dithering as they took throw-ins and goal kicks in second-half injury time, arms outstretched querying exactly who amongst their team mates wanted the ball. Piquionne was presumably thinking, I would like the ball but I’ve been stuck out on the wing so it’s a bit tricky. His body language certainly suggested a frustrated man.” - November

“It is a worrying trend this season that we only seem able to play in fits and starts. We are capable of dominating for spells but as soon as we lose our momentum we sit back and allow the opposition to come at us. It is hard to imagine us ever scoring a first-half goal, killing the game and seeing out a one-goal win.” - January

“The season started with a kicking by Aston Villa. It may just have ended thus.” - April

Scott Parker

“Scott Parker’s sublime goal on his 100th appearance for the club would undoubtedly have inspired a team possessing a backbone to victory last night. Alas, we are not that team. As Paul Calf might say, “Inside every bag of shite lies a speck of gold”. The other players must hate him, serving as he does to highlight their own shortcomings.” - November

“There is a growing feeling that Scott may just yet become Premier League player of the year. As a fan, the pride of seeing Scott shine on the international stage was tempered by the fear that he may wake up any day soon and wonder what the hell he is doing at Upton Park.” - March

Strategy

“I am assured that [Pablo Barrera] impressed at the world cup but in all honesty I don’t recall. The fact that he featured predominantly as a substitute in a side that featured Guillermo Franco ... concerns me a bit”. - July

“After Wayne Bridge’s infinitely more hapless debut last Saturday, he picked up £90,000, while his agent preceded to hang the club’s dirty laundry all over TV. A weekend that had started with so much promise, ended with Barry Silkman announcing on At The Races that he had spoken to David Sullivan and that Avram was staying after all. The amateur nature of the communication was symbolic of how the club is being managed.” - January

“There is an argument for sacking Avram. There is an argument for sticking with him. There is not an argument for dithering and allowing uncertainty to rein. The reluctance of Gollivan’s preferred replacements to come anywhere near Upton Park should settle things once for all.” - January

“Julien Faubert sulked and has not been seen since. Multi-million pound signings Winston Reid and Pablo Barrera have disappeared without trace. Benni McCarthy was deemed so awful that we paid him off. How on earth can such mismanagement be allowed to prevail?” - May

“The defensive frailties were all too clear and begged the question why, after just one clean sheet in the last 12 league games, was bolstering the defence not made more of a priority.” - February

Stoke

“Some defeats are harder to take than others. Losing the 2006 FA Cup Final was heartbreaking for obvious reasons, but coming away from Cardiff the next day there was at least a feeling that we had been part of something special which would be remembered for decades to come. Driving back from Stoke on Sunday I felt that we had been part of something ugly that had very little to do with football.” - March

“Pulis’s unimaginative style of play has been talked about by many ad nauseam but that does not make the experience of witnessing it any more tolerable. Only someone with rock-bottom expectations, not only of their football viewing experience, but of their very life would voluntarily give up their Saturday afternoons or worse, travel the country, to watch this anti-football.” - March

“The reality is that if every team played like Stoke, football as we know it would cease to exist. Who could possibly endure that every week? I have witnessed three of the four games against Stoke this season and, including travel and tickets, have spent around £150. To endure that 40 times a season I would need someone to pay me.” - March

Comic Relief

“Clearly my presence at Upton Park does not affect the result (my lucky socks notwithstanding) but the possibility of having sat through endless dire performances over the last year, only to miss our first win over Tottenham for four years makes me feel a little sick.” – September. We beat Tottenham 1-0.

“On Wednesday night an Upton Park-bound District Line train dithered at a red light for the umpteenth time. A West Ham fan commented: “This driver must be a Millwall fan”. A Stoke fan responded: “No, it’s just Avram Grant taking you nowhere”. - October

“Saturday’s match against Wigan is now being marketed as ‘save our season’ day. It will be the second home game I have missed this season, the first being the win over Tottenham, so the omens already look good.” – November. We beat Wigan 3-1.

“For the 1,214th time Hearn has compared us to Tesco; the evil corporation putting the local corner shop out of business. The analogy has been so overused that I’m actually starting to quite like it. Tesco really flatters us, but I feel Budgen’s might be closer to the truth. Or Costcutters.” - February

“If Avram Grant is still in charge in June and you see me renewing my season ticket, buy a gun and shoot me. My father will understand. He is also a season-ticket holder.” - April

Notes on a Scandal

There can have been few more symbolic moments this season than that at Eastlands two weeks ago, as the pages of Avram Grant’s notebook fell from his grip and blew into the wind. As the camera zoomed in, it transpired that they were blank. Roberto Mancini looked on bemused.

Relegation had already become a near certainty long before. This was just another small insight into the cluelessness that is our football club. No doubt, more significant details will emerge over the coming weeks and months now that the end of our six-year tenure in the Premiership is officially over following the shambolic but all too predictable collapse at Wigan.

Football fans are reluctant to admit that ultimately they are ignorant to what goes on behind closed doors and are not best placed to comment on the specifics of how the club is run. I work for a well-known television broadcaster and could give you some interesting insights. I won’t. But I could. I don’t work for West Ham and like all other frustrated fans can only speculate and grab on to those little insights that present themselves from time to time.

My own favourite telling moment of the season was one that I never saw myself but was described to me by an Evertonian friend who visited Upton Park for the 1-1 draw in December. As Victor Obinna lined up to take a free kick in front of the Bobby Moore Stand, the Everton fans looked on at the Inter Milan man with trepidation.

At that moment, Robert Green turned to the Everton fans and palms down, waved his hands and shook his head as if to say, ‘you’ve nothing to worry about’. The Everton fans, unable to comprehend that Green would turn on his own teammate so publicly, started to wildy jeer the West Ham goalkeeper. Obinna duly smashed the ball into orbit. Green turned to the Sir Trevor Brooking Stand, shrugged his shoulders and mouthed ‘told you so’.

It is this disunity that for me has been at the core of our problems this season. Lee Dixon recently visited the training ground and described it as “a total shambles”. According to the report in this weekend’s Daily Telegraph, Dixon said: “Players were arguing with each other, others weren’t trying, some were sulking.”

An afternoon spent in corporate hospitality at last week’s Blackburn game was similarly eye-opening. The set-up of the day was fairly amateur but that was no real surprise. What was quite alarming was the candid words of Hammers legends Phil Parkes and Julian Dicks before the game and at half time.

There was nothing too shocking about the description of Lou Macari as the “poisoned dwarf”, but then came the subject of Avram Grant and Dicksy’s recent interview with him for the position of reserve team manager. Dicks told how it was obvious from the moment he walked in that Grant was not interested and how “as you would expect, he had nothing about him”.

At half time, after 45 minutes of awful but fairly typical football, Parkes began his half-time talk by saying: “I’m as speechless as Avram Grant ... Tosser”. The response was laughter and applause. The brutal honesty was refreshing and I agreed with every word. But on reflection I wondered how a functional football club could allow people on its payroll to belittle the manager like that.

As we left the stadium, I shared in some banter with a few of the staff about how we’d always wanted to go to Barnsley and Coventry. At the time it felt good that we could laugh at our predicament so casually. In hindsight, it seemed sad and endemic of a club with rock-bottom expectations. If relegation is so trivial, what are we all doing here investing so much time and money?

That the line “My dreams, they fade and die” is ingrained in this club like words in a stick of brighton rock, is something I came to accept a long time ago. Now I wonder whether we even bother to dream.

Self-deprecating humour is no new thing. When we were relegated in 1992, the chant was, “We’re going down for the Millwall”. Nearly twenty years on, we cry: “Whatever will be will be / We’re going to Coventry”. All well and good, but give me “Same old West Ham / Taking the piss” any day.

But what else can the fans do but laugh when they’re so helpless to stop this unaccountable madness. The manager has never been remotely close to deciding upon his best eleven. Of the ten players that lined up for the first game of the season at Villa Park, only James Tomkins started at the DW Stadium today. And even he has been continually and inexplicably dropped following solid performances.

Green’s mate Obinna has not even made it on to the subs bench in the last two weeks. Julien Faubert sulked and has not been seen since. Multi-million pound signings Winston Reid and Pablo Barrera have disappeared without trace. Benni McCarthy was deemed so awful that we paid him off. How on earth can such mismanagement be allowed to prevail?

Amongst the furore surrounding Danny Gabbidon’s infamous final tweet, people failed to look past the expletive to read what he actually said: “You just don’t get it do you”. He’s absolutely right. We don’t get it.

Those three words: Four Four Two

As the rain poured down at Stamford Bridge, I couldn’t help but feel Avram Grant should have been holding a brolly. Bad things come in threes, including formations. Only Grant would deem it a good idea for the league’s bottom team to line up at the ground of the league’s most in-form team with three forwards (four by the end of the game).

There were many positive comments from Hammers fans after the Chelsea game, citing several good goal-scoring opportunities. But who did those opportunities fall to? Jonathan Spector. Manu Da Costa. Defensive players. Why did they not fall to Demba Ba? Answer: He was stuck out on the left wing.

It is easy to forget that Chelsea had several good chances themselves: Luiz hit the bar; Gabbidon cleared off the line; Carlton cleared off the line; Malouda hit the side netting when it looked easier to score.

Of course, there is a reason why Grant is increasingly likely to keep playing three forwards. We have lots of them. We don’t have many midfielders. And in Grant’s defence, the signing of Steve Sidwell was vetoed by Karren Brady. How she must regret announcing that in her Sun column.

Given that Scott Parker, Gary O’Neil and Mark Noble are all injured, you can expect to see that formation every game between now and the end of the season. But surely the formation comes first? What next – another midfield injury and we switch to 4-2-4?

Luis Boa Morte may not be everyone’s cup of tea - this blogger included - but he is undoubtedly a fighter, a commodity we are sadly lacking in. The man who played a key part in 2007’s great escape would give much-needed protection to one of the full backs. In recent games, this role has been left to the likes of Victor Obinna, Zavon Hines and Ba. To everyone but Grant, the consequences were obvious.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. I’m not sure Grant has been right once all season. He certainly shouldn’t look to ‘the wally with the brolly’ for inspiration. But if there is another former England manager from whom he could learn a thing or two, it’s Mike Bassett. Even he eventually realised the merits of 4-4-2.

Sweet FA

“U know what, fuck the lot of you, u will never get another tweet from me again, you just don't get it do you. Bye bye.” It’s not exactly what I expect to wake up to when I check my phone on a Sunday morning. Danny Gabbidon has now been charged for his Twitter outburst and can probably expect a punishment similar to Carlton Cole’s £20k fine.

I suspect that an article by Hammers fan Mark Segal in the next edition of When Saturday Comes will articulate the FA’s impossible task of policing footballers on Twitter better than I ever could, so I will avoid getting too sanctimonious.

Gabbidon’s Twitter account was closed later that day. Before it was, I had a look at some of the moronic comments that had been posted on his page. My reaction to Gabbidon’s tweet - having watched the team’s lackluster display the previous day - was, a) finally, a bit of passion, b) why did he endure this mindless abuse for so long?

I have less sympathy for Carlton, whose tweet was pretty braindead and humourless, albeit not particularly offensive. But should the FA really be paying people to police this? These followers are free to stop following these offenders at anytime. As I say, the next edition of When Saturday Comes (25 years old this month) is, as always, worth a read.