Hate to say I told you so

In the week that alleged West Ham fan Barack Obama flew into the UK, the Hammers’ hunt for a new special relationship continued apace. The fact that Martin O’Neill tops the fans’ opinion poll on KUMB says a lot about our supporters’ inability to control their expectations. We have never landed a big-name manager, so what would attract one now: A squad on the verge of being decimated? The chance to work with Gold and Sullivan? A set of fans sceptical of outsiders, demanding beautiful football and instant success?

This, the final blog of the 2010/11 season, is a self-indulgent collection of my favourite bits. On re-reading them the one thing I notice - aside from some horrendous typos - is that the humour that pervades early on, by late autumn has shifted to an anger that never really departs. Except that is when I’m laughing at Barry Hearn.

Oh, and I also took that FA Cup defeat to Stoke quite badly.

Avram Grant

“In Israel, Avram Grant is known as a “lucky winner”. I believe this is intended as an insult but, if true, sounds like a pretty useful trait. I am yet to be convinced that he possesses many others.” - August

“I could speculate on the wisdom of signing six new players and not selecting one of them in the starting eleven (in favour of Kovac and Boa Morte) but there’s plenty of the season left yet to try to understand how Avram’s mind works.” - September

“Avram suggested recently that he would feel no more worried were we to be in this position come April. To put that ill-advised comment in context, March ends with a trip to White Hart Lane, while opponents in April include Chelsea, Man United, Man City, as well as a trip to Bolton. Avram may pride himself in playing it cool, but fans will be forgiven for mistaking this as complacency.” - November

“Insincerity permeated from Avram Grant on Saturday as he claimed to be “delighted” with West Ham’s performance against Blackpool. The current excuses of bad luck (we've been saved by the woodwork more than any other premier league team this year) and bad refereeing decisions (Marlon's perfectly legitimate goal?) can only last so long.” - November

“Indeed, Avram possesses that Roederian inability to at least acknowledge his team’s failings, choosing instead to patronise the fans with suggestions that we are simply in a false position and that we are absolutely heading in the right direction.” – December

“Why oh why does he think it a good idea to play Victor Obinna, Demba Ba and Zavon Hines in midfield? They are attacking players and Lars Jacobsen and Wayne “skin me if you can ... oh you just did” Bridge were left horribly exposed. The winning goal [by Aston Villa] was the last of numerous examples.” – April

“There can have been few more symbolic moments this season than that at Eastlands two weeks ago, as the pages of Avram Grant’s notebook fell from his grip and blew into the wind. As the camera zoomed in, it transpired that they were blank. Roberto Mancini looked on bemused.” - May

“The manager has never been remotely close to deciding upon his best eleven. Of the ten players that lined up for the first game of the season at Villa Park, only James Tomkins started at the DW Stadium today. And even he has been continually and inexplicably dropped following solid performances.” - May

Hope

“The second half [at Wolves] is unlikely to be bettered for dominance this season. We completely overperformed. Tal-Ben Haim suddenly looked useful. Luis Boa Morte started completing passes. At one point I thought Mike Newell might make a return and hit a shot on target.” - October

“Eight years on from the season in which Rodent managed to sink the unsinkable, there was something cathartic about seeing this suddenly promising-looking set of players get the better of Joe Cole and Glen Johnson.” - February

“The sight of Tomas Repka at Anfield last week brought back unhappy memories of a season, not too dissimilar to the current one, in which West Ham sleepwalked into the Championship. In February 2003, Liverpool came to Upton Park and tore apart a West Ham defence containing Repka, Rufus Brevett and a soon-to-be-retired Nigel Winterburn. Yesterday, with Joe Cole and Glen Johnson having long since swapped claret and blue for red and white, it was Liverpool who were torn apart.” - February

Despair

“Are we really surprised that a side comprising James Milner, Ashley Young and Stilyan Petrov was able to so comfortably beat a team containing James Tomkins, Luis Boa Morte and Radoslav Kovac?” - August

“At present, I feel little affinity with a manager whose appointment I never could fathom and I certainly am not revelling in any kind of underdog status so early in the season. At the Chelsea game though, I was conscious of others already embracing this us-against-them ethos. At the final whistle, a man behind me stood up, pushed out his chest and proudly clapped for what seemed to me like an eternity, bursting with pride at this 3-1 defeat. He presumably saw this as a sign of loyalty. Conversely, I found it a bit embarrassing and symbolic of just how quickly people’s expectations have plummeted.” – September

“If Hitzlsperger were to never make an appearance for West Ham (which in a post-Dean Ashton world genuinely worries me) he would still finish higher in my estimation than Boa Morte. If there was one thing more annoying than watching him continually lose the ball against Fulham, it was having to listen to my dad keeping a tally.” - October

“Tal-Ben Haim: He’s ex-Chelsea, he’s fat, and his one significant contribution to his solitary league appearance was to kick the ball out of play when a Chelsea player fell on the floor. Thanks Tal.” - October

“There were groans aplenty last night (Carlton was again targeted despite being isolated by the 4-3-3 formation) but special groaning was saved for players dithering as they took throw-ins and goal kicks in second-half injury time, arms outstretched querying exactly who amongst their team mates wanted the ball. Piquionne was presumably thinking, I would like the ball but I’ve been stuck out on the wing so it’s a bit tricky. His body language certainly suggested a frustrated man.” - November

“It is a worrying trend this season that we only seem able to play in fits and starts. We are capable of dominating for spells but as soon as we lose our momentum we sit back and allow the opposition to come at us. It is hard to imagine us ever scoring a first-half goal, killing the game and seeing out a one-goal win.” - January

“The season started with a kicking by Aston Villa. It may just have ended thus.” - April

Scott Parker

“Scott Parker’s sublime goal on his 100th appearance for the club would undoubtedly have inspired a team possessing a backbone to victory last night. Alas, we are not that team. As Paul Calf might say, “Inside every bag of shite lies a speck of gold”. The other players must hate him, serving as he does to highlight their own shortcomings.” - November

“There is a growing feeling that Scott may just yet become Premier League player of the year. As a fan, the pride of seeing Scott shine on the international stage was tempered by the fear that he may wake up any day soon and wonder what the hell he is doing at Upton Park.” - March

Strategy

“I am assured that [Pablo Barrera] impressed at the world cup but in all honesty I don’t recall. The fact that he featured predominantly as a substitute in a side that featured Guillermo Franco ... concerns me a bit”. - July

“After Wayne Bridge’s infinitely more hapless debut last Saturday, he picked up £90,000, while his agent preceded to hang the club’s dirty laundry all over TV. A weekend that had started with so much promise, ended with Barry Silkman announcing on At The Races that he had spoken to David Sullivan and that Avram was staying after all. The amateur nature of the communication was symbolic of how the club is being managed.” - January

“There is an argument for sacking Avram. There is an argument for sticking with him. There is not an argument for dithering and allowing uncertainty to rein. The reluctance of Gollivan’s preferred replacements to come anywhere near Upton Park should settle things once for all.” - January

“Julien Faubert sulked and has not been seen since. Multi-million pound signings Winston Reid and Pablo Barrera have disappeared without trace. Benni McCarthy was deemed so awful that we paid him off. How on earth can such mismanagement be allowed to prevail?” - May

“The defensive frailties were all too clear and begged the question why, after just one clean sheet in the last 12 league games, was bolstering the defence not made more of a priority.” - February

Stoke

“Some defeats are harder to take than others. Losing the 2006 FA Cup Final was heartbreaking for obvious reasons, but coming away from Cardiff the next day there was at least a feeling that we had been part of something special which would be remembered for decades to come. Driving back from Stoke on Sunday I felt that we had been part of something ugly that had very little to do with football.” - March

“Pulis’s unimaginative style of play has been talked about by many ad nauseam but that does not make the experience of witnessing it any more tolerable. Only someone with rock-bottom expectations, not only of their football viewing experience, but of their very life would voluntarily give up their Saturday afternoons or worse, travel the country, to watch this anti-football.” - March

“The reality is that if every team played like Stoke, football as we know it would cease to exist. Who could possibly endure that every week? I have witnessed three of the four games against Stoke this season and, including travel and tickets, have spent around £150. To endure that 40 times a season I would need someone to pay me.” - March

Comic Relief

“Clearly my presence at Upton Park does not affect the result (my lucky socks notwithstanding) but the possibility of having sat through endless dire performances over the last year, only to miss our first win over Tottenham for four years makes me feel a little sick.” – September. We beat Tottenham 1-0.

“On Wednesday night an Upton Park-bound District Line train dithered at a red light for the umpteenth time. A West Ham fan commented: “This driver must be a Millwall fan”. A Stoke fan responded: “No, it’s just Avram Grant taking you nowhere”. - October

“Saturday’s match against Wigan is now being marketed as ‘save our season’ day. It will be the second home game I have missed this season, the first being the win over Tottenham, so the omens already look good.” – November. We beat Wigan 3-1.

“For the 1,214th time Hearn has compared us to Tesco; the evil corporation putting the local corner shop out of business. The analogy has been so overused that I’m actually starting to quite like it. Tesco really flatters us, but I feel Budgen’s might be closer to the truth. Or Costcutters.” - February

“If Avram Grant is still in charge in June and you see me renewing my season ticket, buy a gun and shoot me. My father will understand. He is also a season-ticket holder.” - April