DON'T PANIC

When Chris Martin sings “we live in a beautiful world” in Coldplay’s Don’t Panic, he does so with a distinct lack of conviction. Similar insincerity permeated from Avram Grant on Saturday as he claimed to be “delighted” with West Ham’s performance against Blackpool. The current excuses of bad luck (we've been saved by the woodwork more than any other premier league team this year) and bad refereeing decisions (Marlon's perfectly legitimate goal?) can only last so long.

On Tuesday, Karen Brady did a much better job of putting us knee-jerkers in our place, claiming that “weak-minded people press the panic button”. Ouch. Opinions of Avram aside, if we are going to stand by our man then it is comforting to see The Apprentice come out and speak so decisively.

Here are some more reasons to be positive:

1. Scott Parker aside, the big clubs won’t be sniffing round our players.

2. Freddie Sears is doing ok on loan at Scunthorpe.

3. That couple from Kent have been freed by Somalian pirates.

4. The Davids may be too stubborn to ever relieve Avram of his duties, but his contract only lasts four years. The furthest we can fall in this time is to the Blue Square Premier, the results and league table of which appear in most national newspapers.

5. Steven Gerrard looks like he will miss Saturday’s game.

6. Millwall and Sheffield United are striking a nice balance of being crap, but not so crap that they will get relegated and deny us a couple of interesting ding dongs next year.

7. Following a brief scare that we may have been a bit hasty in letting Diamanti go when he was called up to play for Italy this week, he duly played rubbish and was substituted at half time.

8. The Wigan game is kids for a quid.

9. Despite Avram overseeing the worst start to a season in the club’s history the spectre of anti-semitism does not appear to have reared its ugly head.

10. The Paolo Di Canio lounge.

11. We cannot finish any lower than 20th. No other Premier League team has the luxury of being able to say they will definitely finish as well as or better than their current position.

12. UK retail sales rose in October, ending two months of decline.

13. Season-ticket holders can get 10% off this weekend at the new club shop at the Liberty Shopping Centre in Romford.

14. Neil Warnock this week ruled himself out of ever becoming West Ham manager.

15. According to the club website tickets for the Man Utd quarter final are selling fast (just not fast enough that despite now being on general sale, more than 2,000 remain).

16. The persistent closure of the District Line gives fans the chance to sample the delights of the Barking Road as they trek back and forth to Canning Town.

17. Zavon Hines has been out long enough for us to believe that he will be our saviour.

18. ESPN’s new feature which sees a presenter hand the matchball to the referee as he walks out of the tunnel. Why did no-one think of this sooner?

19. West Ham’s George Moncur, son of Jon, was called up to the England U’18 squad this week.

20. David Gold has a lovely beard.

DON'T PANIC is written on the cover of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy manual. The novel explains that this was because the device "looked insanely complicated" to operate. The debate as to whether Avram is out of his depth or whether West Ham is simply too complicated to operate goes on.