A Luis Boa Morte by any other name would still play as badly

The BBC website’s reporting of Thomas Hitzlsperger’s four-month layoff made clear the stark reality of this latest setback: “Mark Noble, Luis Boa Morte and Radoslav Kovac have all featured in midfield alongside Scott Parker as the Hammers have arrested a poor start to their Premier League season.” Just to be clear, it’s the first part of that sentence that worries me. Arresting a poor start to the season is fine. Having to watch Boa Morte and Kovac continually fail to retain possession is not.

If Hitzlsperger were to never make an appearance for West Ham (which in a post-Dean Ashton world genuinely worries me) he would still finish higher in my estimation than Boa Morte. If there was one thing more annoying than watching him continually lose the ball against Fulham, it was having to listen to my dad keeping a tally.

The name Boa Morte translates as ‘beautiful death’. An oxymoronic name seems apt for someone whose poor performances are continually rewarded with a place in the starting line-up. Hitzlsperger, on the other hand, has the advantage of being nicknamed ‘Der Hammer’, a name that is unlikely to ever be bettered unless we sign someone called Bobby Moore or The Chicken Run.

Admittedly, Avram’s options in midfield have been limited by injuries to Behrami, Stanislas, Hines and Collison, but why is he even available for selection? Towards the end of last season he did his best to sever all links with the club by openly criticising Gold and Sullivan, suggesting they needed to act with “more composure”. The reaction of our supposedly ruthless owners? To offer him a new contract.

Boa Morte’s frank comments were a breath of fresh air at a time when it was dawning on all of us that the Davids were determined to be the centre of attention by making endless provocative statements to any newspaper or radio station that would listen. But how, as one of the beneficiaries of the Icelanders’ reckless spending, did Luis win a reprieve? Perhaps the more pertinent question is, exactly how much of his existing salary did he agree to forego?

The Apprentices

The tedium that is the international break is at least a chance to reflect on the first part of the season. It may be early days but it is becoming increasingly likely that 35 points will not be enough to save our bacon this year. Newcastle’s victories include a win at Goodison Park and a 6-0 thrashing of Aston Villa; Blackpool have the league’s best away record; West Brom are 6th.

Avram seems to be gradually settling on his favoured 11. Unlikely bench warmers now include Carlton Cole and Julien Faubert. But what of the new recruits?

Frederic Piquionne

Historically, Freddie has a notoriously low goals-to-games ratio but three goals in the last three games has got me dreaming that we may have a striker capable of upwards of ten league goals a season. I am happy to say that my pre-season prediction that he would be the least voted for player of the year candidate is starting to look a bit daft.

Victor Obinna

I can’t quite work out whether Vic is potentially someone whom we will be watching in the Champions League in a year or two, or just a big bloke with an erratic shot. While Carlton continues to suffer from a crisis of confidence Obinna is a much-needed addition to the squad. His cross for Piquionne’s Fulham goal was sublime. However, the pair are not yet McAvennie & Cottee, and it will be a relief when Vic nets his first league goal.

Winston Reid

The signing of a Kiwi smacked to me of post-World Cup hype, but Winston has had little chance to prove himself yet. At 22 he has his whole career ahead of him (well, accept for the bit he’s already had) but I cannot help but worry that he may just be remembered as that bloke that pulled a muscle in his arse.

Tal-Ben Haim

He’s ex-Chelsea, he’s fat, and his one significant contribution to his solitary league appearance was to kick the ball out of play when a Chelsea player fell on the floor. Thanks Tal.

Pablo Barrera

Early signs were very encouraging but after taking a whack from Bolton’s Paul Robinson he seemed to lose interest and has never shone since. He likes a few days to recover from international duty so his appearances have been sparse, but he was especially disappointing against Fulham. Clearly extremely talented but a question mark remains as to whether he is willing to adapt to the rough and tumble of the Premier League.

Lars Jacobsen

Or ‘Erikson’ as I have heard more than one person refer to him as. Well they’re all the same those Scandanavians, aren’t they. A solid right back and a welcome addition.

Interestingly, it’s been the cheaper signings who have so far made the biggest impact. I am already excited at the prospect of Collison’s return. And of course Hitzlspergers’s. Gute Besserung, lads.