I should come here less often

My experience of our first win over Tottenham since Lasagnegate consisted of three text messages: “1-0 Piqonuet 26” [sic]; “Still 1-0 57 mins do not know carling cup draw”; “1-0 full time”. I could get used to this.

I could not even bothered to feel sorry for myself, having just missed what is likely to be one of the best games at Upton Park this season. If there is a relationship between West Ham’s form and my absence from the Boleyn, I am willing to never go within a 3-mile radius of E13 so long as I live (admittedly this would present other advantages). Loyal supporter or not, there is little fun to be had from watching us get beaten by Bolton and Chelsea every week.

Clearly this is superstitious mumbo-jumbo and I will be back in my normal seat for the Fulham game, but when your only exposure to the day’s events has been a Sky News clip of that dodgy Liverpool goal (I love it when Steve Bruce gets angry) your mind starts to wander. Sunday brought some respite in the shape of a €5 copy of the Sunday Times. After reading about West Ham’s dominance (Paul Rowan’s words, not mine) I suddenly became very aware of the teams whose results I most wanted to know.

My local team as a boy, Gillingham? No. Our plucky, inoffensive neighbours, Charlton? No. Yeovil (long story)? Orient? Dagenham? No, the games I was most interested in were those featuring our rivals. Things were therefore about to get even better.

Leeds United 1 – 0 Sheffield United

A rivalry that did not exist until three years ago and which, like AFC Wimbledon and MK Dons, is yet to be played out in the form of an actual match, the West Ham-Sheffield United hatred may not exactly be Chelsea v Leeds, but there nevertheless exists a genuine source of animosity being kept at arm's length by the M1. Blades’ fans’ self-righteous certainty that they were denied a second season in the top flight by those cheating cockneys, is matched only by our irritation at being cast as the villain for breaking a law whose other perpetrators have gone strangely unnoticed. Read any of Martin Samuel’s columns on the subject circa 2007 for more detail.

In terms of the Chelsea-Leeds comparison, I wonder if Terry Brown and Glen Roeder would consider a Ken Bates/Dennis Wise-style partnership at Brammall Lane? Maybe not, but it’s a nice thought.

Cardiff City 2 -1 Millwall

And a last-minute winner no less. In many respects I am not too fussed about Millwall. None of my friends or anybody I know support them, so the closest I come to being riled by them is Rod Liddle’s Sunday Times column (one of many reasons not to read this paper).

The petty anti-Avram tirade a couple of weeks ago (Rod’s, not mine) was typical of his lack of objectivity, though barely registers on his barometer of offensiveness. This is after all the man who once defended chants of “You should have all died at Hillsborough”. His column this week was entitled The Lower Leagues Have It All. You keep telling yourself that, Rod.

Man City 1 – 0 Chelsea

Andy Hamilton, writer of Outnumbered and Drop the Dead Donkey, once said that to enjoy fully Chelsea’s triumphs he has to block from his mind thoughts of the turf as "stained red with the blood of Russian peasants". Perhaps I am giving the majority of Chelsea supporters too much credit in assuming they have as strong a moral compass as Hamilton but, nevertheless, his quote sums up my complete indifference to Chelsea. I’ll take Gold and Sullivan’s dildos over Roman’s oil any day of the week – so to speak.

Perhaps my charitable mood is merely a consequence of three great results in the space of eight days. Or maybe there is another team that I am forgetting whom I do truly loathe. Oh yes, the ever-deluded Tottenham. Interesting to see that they have today officially registered their interest in taking over the London 2012 Olympic Stadium, thereby acknowledging that east London is the place to be. Now how did they get on last weekend ... ?