No matter how much I try to manage my expectations during preseason, nothing prepares me for that feeling of defeat. Another defeat, coupled with victory for each of the promoted sides (who by definition must surely be worse than us) left me feeling lower than Johann Elmander’s socks.
As Manchester United were reminded at the weekend bogey teams are alive and well. Two wins in 17 games against the Trotters means that, far from just being our bogey team, Bolton have effectively spent the last ten years snotting all over us. The fact that we actually played very well for parts of the game only served to increase the frustration.
The omens for a bad day were all there as the tube left Canning Town with those of us still on board slowly deducing that the number of fellow supporters who had alighted must be the result of a closure on the district line. The ensuing trek from West Ham to Upton Park served to underline just how few fans actually know the area they call “east east east London”.
A man with some foresight and a map became our default leader and his followers quickly swelled. It was reminiscent of the scene in Forrest Gump where Forrest “just started running”. Given the tortuously humid conditions there was little chance of anyone breaking out into a run. Everyone was far too sweaty to feel any kind of camaraderie and as we finally made our way onto the more familiar surroundings of Barking Road, we went our separate ways.
It’s been ten years since I last sat in the Bobby Moore stand, but by way of a personal austerity measure I have made the decision to leave the comfort zone that is the West Stand. In fact, the only silver lining of the day was the relief at having a good view with not an idiot in sight (well, technically Kevin “I don’t know what his head was doing down there anyway” Davies was in sight, but those within earshot were all very well behaved).
It’s hard not to feel some kind of hatred towards a man who has scored nine times in 11 games against your team, but with Davies that’s just one reason among many. I cannot begin to understand the mindset of a man who kicks another human being in the face, breaks their nose and has the temerity to suggest that it was face to boot rather than boot to face. To me Davies will always be the embodiment of a thuggish Bolton team who view a succession of passes as a waste of effort. Under Owen Coyle it is becoming harder, but far from impossible, to level this accusation. Arsenal they are not.
My antipathy (almost a week after the game) is doubtless a symptom of my own team’s total lack of brawn. I cheered Mark Noble’s late yellow card almost as vigorously as those around me cheered Carlton Cole’s substitution. Noble’s slide tackle on Jussi Jaaskelainen after scoring the penalty has to be one of my all time favourite player-scrapping-with-keeper-in-the-back-of-the-net moments.
Pablo Barrera looks a potential snip at £4m but even he was not the same after taking a whack from Paul Robinson. It may be simplistic to say that we are too nice but unless we toughen up Saturday’s defeat will be replicated home and away against Blackburn, Stoke et al. As Zola learnt last year, picking up the odd point against Arsenal and Chelsea is scant consolation.
To my amazement, I discovered that not only is the hole in the wall on the corner of the Bobby Moore and East Stand still there but it still serves exactly the same burgers with exactly the same names. For the first time in fifteen years I treated myself to a Mad Dog. Oh for a Martin Allen now.
Friday, 27 August 2010
Friday, 20 August 2010
Why West Ham Lose
If England fans are guilty of allowing the memory of 1966 to distort their expectations of the current national team, then West Ham fans must be doubly culpable. Not only do we cling to this era because of our players’ contribution at international level, but also because it coincides with our own most successful period which peaked with a European trophy in 1965. “30 years of hurt” (44 years now, and counting) applies for us at domestic as well as international level.
On more than one occasion I have heard England’s standing at major tournaments compared to that of last weekend’s opponents Aston Villa in the Premier League. Better than most other teams? Yes. In the top 33 percentile? More often than not. Capable on their day of matching the best? Yes. Ever going to win the thing? No.
I think this is fair and makes me wonder how you would reverse the analogy when it comes to West Ham. The best comparison I could come up with - and I admit it’s not perfect - is Switzerland. More often than not the Swiss qualify for major tournaments (three of the last five World Cups and three of the last four European Championships) in the same way that West Ham more often than not are in the Premier League (seven of the last nine years). Switzerland have progressed past the group stage on one occasion; West Ham have crept into the top half on three out of nine occasions. Although on their day Switzerland have proven themselves to be capable of beating the tournament’s eventual winners, in the same way that West Ham have proven themselves capable of beating Manchester United on several occasions over the last ten years, there is a limit to how far they will ever progress. Switzerland have reconciled themselves to that fact. West Ham have not.
The world of domestic football is clearly very different to that of international football; the main difference being that there is always the chance that a billionaire will take over your domestic club and buy success, as has been the case at Chelsea and may soon be replicated by Manchester City. Until that day, we would do well to manage our expectations which, judging by the outcry at last Saturday’s result, we are a long way from doing.
Are we really surprised that a side comprising James Milner, Ashley Young and Stilyan Petrov was able to so comfortably beat a team containing James Tomkins, Luis Boa Morte and Radoslav Kovac? I was as guilty as anyone of thinking that the Martin O’Neill factor could work in our favour, but once you strip that out (and remember that, on the contrary, the presence of a new manager almost always gives the players a lift) then a Villa win was really a no-brainer.
This is not to say that it is unreasonable to expect West Ham to push for a top ten finish, but there seems to be a misconception that we have a divine right to leapfrog the likes of Blackburn and Birmingham. We do not, and to do so in the next three years, let alone this season would be a significant achievement.
Everyone has a theory about what is holding us back and I do not claim to have the answer but I do feel that we have a certain Newcastle United-esqe snobbery that encourages us to appoint either ex-West Ham players or “fashionable” managers rather than managers who simply have a good pedigree. We would never have appointed David Moyes in 2002 in the same way that Everton in 2002 would never have appointed someone with Zola’s lack of experience. In fact, I do not believe there is another Premier League club who would have appointed Zola as manager. He was effectively recruited on the strength of his abilities as a player. We might as well have given the job to Dennis Bergkamp or Juninho.
Avram Grant may not exactly be fashionable but in the eyes of many his brief flirtation with Chelsea and the Champions League qualifies him for the job, despite never having managed a team for a full season outside of Israel.
What I am about to say will make me about as popular amongst West Ham fans as Joey Beauchamp, but I honestly believe that, had he been willing to leave his present club, Sam Allardyce would have been a great choice as manager. In the same way that Avram is lauded for half a season here and half a season there, Allardyce has been written off on the basis of half a season at Newcastle which, compared with what was to follow, now looks quite respectable. Blackburn’s win at the weekend over an Everton side containing Jagielka, Arteta, Cahill and Pienaar, was for me undoubtedly the result of the weekend but it almost went unmentioned.
Owen Coyle, another over-achieving manager, brings his Bolton side to Upton Park tomorrow, hoping to replicate last season’s deserved victory. I will go to the match with that inescapable first-home-game-of-the-season optimism. It is the right of every football fan to be a bit deluded. And before you query my sanity for suggesting that expecting a victory over little Bolton is deluded, I would point you to the stats: Bolton have beaten us in each of the last six games; we have only beaten them twice in the last sixteen. Then again, in 1968 we did beat them 7-2 …
On more than one occasion I have heard England’s standing at major tournaments compared to that of last weekend’s opponents Aston Villa in the Premier League. Better than most other teams? Yes. In the top 33 percentile? More often than not. Capable on their day of matching the best? Yes. Ever going to win the thing? No.
I think this is fair and makes me wonder how you would reverse the analogy when it comes to West Ham. The best comparison I could come up with - and I admit it’s not perfect - is Switzerland. More often than not the Swiss qualify for major tournaments (three of the last five World Cups and three of the last four European Championships) in the same way that West Ham more often than not are in the Premier League (seven of the last nine years). Switzerland have progressed past the group stage on one occasion; West Ham have crept into the top half on three out of nine occasions. Although on their day Switzerland have proven themselves to be capable of beating the tournament’s eventual winners, in the same way that West Ham have proven themselves capable of beating Manchester United on several occasions over the last ten years, there is a limit to how far they will ever progress. Switzerland have reconciled themselves to that fact. West Ham have not.
The world of domestic football is clearly very different to that of international football; the main difference being that there is always the chance that a billionaire will take over your domestic club and buy success, as has been the case at Chelsea and may soon be replicated by Manchester City. Until that day, we would do well to manage our expectations which, judging by the outcry at last Saturday’s result, we are a long way from doing.
Are we really surprised that a side comprising James Milner, Ashley Young and Stilyan Petrov was able to so comfortably beat a team containing James Tomkins, Luis Boa Morte and Radoslav Kovac? I was as guilty as anyone of thinking that the Martin O’Neill factor could work in our favour, but once you strip that out (and remember that, on the contrary, the presence of a new manager almost always gives the players a lift) then a Villa win was really a no-brainer.
This is not to say that it is unreasonable to expect West Ham to push for a top ten finish, but there seems to be a misconception that we have a divine right to leapfrog the likes of Blackburn and Birmingham. We do not, and to do so in the next three years, let alone this season would be a significant achievement.
Everyone has a theory about what is holding us back and I do not claim to have the answer but I do feel that we have a certain Newcastle United-esqe snobbery that encourages us to appoint either ex-West Ham players or “fashionable” managers rather than managers who simply have a good pedigree. We would never have appointed David Moyes in 2002 in the same way that Everton in 2002 would never have appointed someone with Zola’s lack of experience. In fact, I do not believe there is another Premier League club who would have appointed Zola as manager. He was effectively recruited on the strength of his abilities as a player. We might as well have given the job to Dennis Bergkamp or Juninho.
Avram Grant may not exactly be fashionable but in the eyes of many his brief flirtation with Chelsea and the Champions League qualifies him for the job, despite never having managed a team for a full season outside of Israel.
What I am about to say will make me about as popular amongst West Ham fans as Joey Beauchamp, but I honestly believe that, had he been willing to leave his present club, Sam Allardyce would have been a great choice as manager. In the same way that Avram is lauded for half a season here and half a season there, Allardyce has been written off on the basis of half a season at Newcastle which, compared with what was to follow, now looks quite respectable. Blackburn’s win at the weekend over an Everton side containing Jagielka, Arteta, Cahill and Pienaar, was for me undoubtedly the result of the weekend but it almost went unmentioned.
Owen Coyle, another over-achieving manager, brings his Bolton side to Upton Park tomorrow, hoping to replicate last season’s deserved victory. I will go to the match with that inescapable first-home-game-of-the-season optimism. It is the right of every football fan to be a bit deluded. And before you query my sanity for suggesting that expecting a victory over little Bolton is deluded, I would point you to the stats: Bolton have beaten us in each of the last six games; we have only beaten them twice in the last sixteen. Then again, in 1968 we did beat them 7-2 …
Friday, 13 August 2010
Octopus Style Predictions
James Beattie today declared that: “Rangers are the biggest team in Scotland.” A nice, albeit obvious bit of PR, I thought. “And one of the biggest teams in Europe”, he concluded. Well, if he can talk cobblers, so can I. Here are my predictions for the new season.
Player of the year
Scott Parker
Player of the year that isn’t Scott Parker
Thomas Hitzlsperger
Least votes for player of the year
Frederic Piquionne
Greatest hopes
1. Jack Collison comes back before Christmas and stays fit
2. Avram keeps up his stony facade and avoids any kissing-the-ground moments or
you-cannot-take-Portsmouth-away-from-me-and-my-heart comments
3. Benni McCarthy goes on Celebrity Fit Club
Greatest fears
1. Benni McCarthy leaves Celebrity Fit Club after two days
2. We fail to win a London derby
3. Nobby Solano brings one of those rabid vampire bats back from Peru
Do say
One year to go and Dyer’s off the payroll
Don’t say
We’ll be alright once Dyer’s fit
The season in numbers:
2
Number of days into the January transfer window Harry will wait before declaring an interest in a West Ham player or a player linked with West Ham
3
Consecutive days Gold and Sullivan will go without giving an interview
5
Number of home games before away fans get bored of baiting Robert Green
8
Years we will try to extend Scott Parker’s contract by
11
Minutes before Dyer comes off injured and his season ends
13
Our final position
C’mon you Irons!
Player of the year
Scott Parker
Player of the year that isn’t Scott Parker
Thomas Hitzlsperger
Least votes for player of the year
Frederic Piquionne
Greatest hopes
1. Jack Collison comes back before Christmas and stays fit
2. Avram keeps up his stony facade and avoids any kissing-the-ground moments or
you-cannot-take-Portsmouth-away-from-me-and-my-heart comments
3. Benni McCarthy goes on Celebrity Fit Club
Greatest fears
1. Benni McCarthy leaves Celebrity Fit Club after two days
2. We fail to win a London derby
3. Nobby Solano brings one of those rabid vampire bats back from Peru
Do say
One year to go and Dyer’s off the payroll
Don’t say
We’ll be alright once Dyer’s fit
The season in numbers:
2
Number of days into the January transfer window Harry will wait before declaring an interest in a West Ham player or a player linked with West Ham
3
Consecutive days Gold and Sullivan will go without giving an interview
5
Number of home games before away fans get bored of baiting Robert Green
8
Years we will try to extend Scott Parker’s contract by
11
Minutes before Dyer comes off injured and his season ends
13
Our final position
C’mon you Irons!
Friday, 6 August 2010
Be Lucky, Avram
In Israel, Avram Grant is known as a “lucky winner”. I believe this is intended as an insult but, if true, sounds like a pretty useful trait. I am yet to be convinced that he possesses many others.
Avram is the current flavour of the month having guided a team to the FA Cup Final (a feat also achieved in the last ten years by John Gregory, Alan Pardew and Dave Jones). Since the prospect of winning the premier league is the luxury of a privileged few, the rest of us have to make do with dreaming of this lesser silverware. Since Avram gave the Pompey fans a day out at Wembley his managerial stock has risen considerably.
In terms of something more tangible, such as managing a team outside of Israel for an entire season, he comes up a bit short. The positive take on his time at Chelsea was that he took them to within a penalty kick of winning the Champions League. I think it might be more accurate to say that Chelsea took him to within a penalty kick of winning the Champions League. Chelsea fans never took to him and inevitably he was sacked after nine months.
It is hard to be too critical of his tenure at the liquidation-dodgers. If you extrapolate his win ratio across the whole season and add back the points deduction, Portsmouth would have stayed up with 41 points. But let’s say that had actually happened. Let’s say he had been in charge all season and Portsmouth had amassed 41 points. Would anyone really have been that impressed? I suspect not.
What seems to impress people is that he managed to do this against the backdrop of Portsmouth’s off-field problems. Such resilience is perhaps laudable but hardly inspiring, especially since his coping mechanism seemed to chiefly involve visiting a certain Hampshire message parlour. The fact that the he is alleged to have visited the brothel (let’s not beat around the bush) in his Portsmouth training gear does make me question his judgement.
Of course the need to find a new manager was necessitated by the worst season it is possible to have without actually being relegated. The 3-1 defeat to Wolves, last season’s nadir, will remain for ever a benchmark in my mind. “Oh well, it’s not as bad as the Wolves game under Zola”, will be my stock response when the chips are down this season. On the subject of the game (since I cannot eradicate it from my memory), how inevitable of Franco to go and give the scoreline a shred of respectability with a last-minute goal. There are great goalscorers, there are scorers of great goals and then there is Guillermo Franco: scorer of meaningless goals.
Gold and Sullivan (I still haven’t thought of a witty abbreviation for the pair. I might just adopt a random double act, such as Pinky and Perky) have done a good job of putting a positive spin on things since Zola’s departure, contrasting nicely with the negative spin they put on things from the moment of the first press conference. Under-promise, then over-deliver. Textbook stuff.
Looking at the club website you could be forgiven for thinking that the only photo taken at a West Ham game last season was that of Scott Parker euphorically celebrating his crucial goal against Wigan. There is a certain irony in Gold and Sullivan milking this photo on the website for all its worth, given that the shot captures Parker en route to jumping on Zola in a show of defiance against the new owners and their lack of support for him.
While the attitude of West Ham fans towards Zola may have been divided, it certainly was not polarised. Those who wanted him out acknowledged that he was a decent man doing his best, while those who supported him did so in the hope that he might come good, not because they were happy with how he was doing.
It is the prerogative of the football fan to pass comment on the decisions of managers and owners without actually having any real insight into the context and complexities of how their decisions are made. At best, we can only speculate. With that in mind, I am going to ignore the idea that Avram possibly was the least worst option and ask why on earth we did not go for or get Mark Hughes. I really hope it was not down to money. Bert and Ernie have already contradicted themselves on numerous occasions. Days after their first press conference in which they berated the previous regime for the reckless spending on players’ wages they announced they were looking to bring in a big-name striker on £100k/week wages. Surely if you are going to spend extravagantly in one area it should be on the manager.
It may be that Hughes did not want the job, but what do Fulham have that we don’t have (aside from a “neutral” stand). If Bodger and Badger simply did not rate him then I would take issue with their judgement, as I think Hughes’s track record is impressive and I guarantee that, at worst, Fulham will have a solid mid-table season. My conspiracy theory is that they all fell out when Hughes took Robbie Savage from Birmingham to Blackburn. I really hope I’m wrong. The idea that we cannot attract a high-calibre manager because our owners pissed them off would really annoy me.
So Avram it is, and I hope that my reservations prove to be unfounded. At the very least I expect us to avoid relegation. Even Glen “Roeder” Rodent had a decent first season. And after that I am hoping to be proved wrong. Be lucky, Avram.
Avram is the current flavour of the month having guided a team to the FA Cup Final (a feat also achieved in the last ten years by John Gregory, Alan Pardew and Dave Jones). Since the prospect of winning the premier league is the luxury of a privileged few, the rest of us have to make do with dreaming of this lesser silverware. Since Avram gave the Pompey fans a day out at Wembley his managerial stock has risen considerably.
In terms of something more tangible, such as managing a team outside of Israel for an entire season, he comes up a bit short. The positive take on his time at Chelsea was that he took them to within a penalty kick of winning the Champions League. I think it might be more accurate to say that Chelsea took him to within a penalty kick of winning the Champions League. Chelsea fans never took to him and inevitably he was sacked after nine months.
It is hard to be too critical of his tenure at the liquidation-dodgers. If you extrapolate his win ratio across the whole season and add back the points deduction, Portsmouth would have stayed up with 41 points. But let’s say that had actually happened. Let’s say he had been in charge all season and Portsmouth had amassed 41 points. Would anyone really have been that impressed? I suspect not.
What seems to impress people is that he managed to do this against the backdrop of Portsmouth’s off-field problems. Such resilience is perhaps laudable but hardly inspiring, especially since his coping mechanism seemed to chiefly involve visiting a certain Hampshire message parlour. The fact that the he is alleged to have visited the brothel (let’s not beat around the bush) in his Portsmouth training gear does make me question his judgement.
Of course the need to find a new manager was necessitated by the worst season it is possible to have without actually being relegated. The 3-1 defeat to Wolves, last season’s nadir, will remain for ever a benchmark in my mind. “Oh well, it’s not as bad as the Wolves game under Zola”, will be my stock response when the chips are down this season. On the subject of the game (since I cannot eradicate it from my memory), how inevitable of Franco to go and give the scoreline a shred of respectability with a last-minute goal. There are great goalscorers, there are scorers of great goals and then there is Guillermo Franco: scorer of meaningless goals.
Gold and Sullivan (I still haven’t thought of a witty abbreviation for the pair. I might just adopt a random double act, such as Pinky and Perky) have done a good job of putting a positive spin on things since Zola’s departure, contrasting nicely with the negative spin they put on things from the moment of the first press conference. Under-promise, then over-deliver. Textbook stuff.
Looking at the club website you could be forgiven for thinking that the only photo taken at a West Ham game last season was that of Scott Parker euphorically celebrating his crucial goal against Wigan. There is a certain irony in Gold and Sullivan milking this photo on the website for all its worth, given that the shot captures Parker en route to jumping on Zola in a show of defiance against the new owners and their lack of support for him.
While the attitude of West Ham fans towards Zola may have been divided, it certainly was not polarised. Those who wanted him out acknowledged that he was a decent man doing his best, while those who supported him did so in the hope that he might come good, not because they were happy with how he was doing.
It is the prerogative of the football fan to pass comment on the decisions of managers and owners without actually having any real insight into the context and complexities of how their decisions are made. At best, we can only speculate. With that in mind, I am going to ignore the idea that Avram possibly was the least worst option and ask why on earth we did not go for or get Mark Hughes. I really hope it was not down to money. Bert and Ernie have already contradicted themselves on numerous occasions. Days after their first press conference in which they berated the previous regime for the reckless spending on players’ wages they announced they were looking to bring in a big-name striker on £100k/week wages. Surely if you are going to spend extravagantly in one area it should be on the manager.
It may be that Hughes did not want the job, but what do Fulham have that we don’t have (aside from a “neutral” stand). If Bodger and Badger simply did not rate him then I would take issue with their judgement, as I think Hughes’s track record is impressive and I guarantee that, at worst, Fulham will have a solid mid-table season. My conspiracy theory is that they all fell out when Hughes took Robbie Savage from Birmingham to Blackburn. I really hope I’m wrong. The idea that we cannot attract a high-calibre manager because our owners pissed them off would really annoy me.
So Avram it is, and I hope that my reservations prove to be unfounded. At the very least I expect us to avoid relegation. Even Glen “Roeder” Rodent had a decent first season. And after that I am hoping to be proved wrong. Be lucky, Avram.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)