Hate to say I told you so

In the week that alleged West Ham fan Barack Obama flew into the UK, the Hammers’ hunt for a new special relationship continued apace. The fact that Martin O’Neill tops the fans’ opinion poll on KUMB says a lot about our supporters’ inability to control their expectations. We have never landed a big-name manager, so what would attract one now: A squad on the verge of being decimated? The chance to work with Gold and Sullivan? A set of fans sceptical of outsiders, demanding beautiful football and instant success?

This, the final blog of the 2010/11 season, is a self-indulgent collection of my favourite bits. On re-reading them the one thing I notice - aside from some horrendous typos - is that the humour that pervades early on, by late autumn has shifted to an anger that never really departs. Except that is when I’m laughing at Barry Hearn.

Oh, and I also took that FA Cup defeat to Stoke quite badly.

Avram Grant

“In Israel, Avram Grant is known as a “lucky winner”. I believe this is intended as an insult but, if true, sounds like a pretty useful trait. I am yet to be convinced that he possesses many others.” - August

“I could speculate on the wisdom of signing six new players and not selecting one of them in the starting eleven (in favour of Kovac and Boa Morte) but there’s plenty of the season left yet to try to understand how Avram’s mind works.” - September

“Avram suggested recently that he would feel no more worried were we to be in this position come April. To put that ill-advised comment in context, March ends with a trip to White Hart Lane, while opponents in April include Chelsea, Man United, Man City, as well as a trip to Bolton. Avram may pride himself in playing it cool, but fans will be forgiven for mistaking this as complacency.” - November

“Insincerity permeated from Avram Grant on Saturday as he claimed to be “delighted” with West Ham’s performance against Blackpool. The current excuses of bad luck (we've been saved by the woodwork more than any other premier league team this year) and bad refereeing decisions (Marlon's perfectly legitimate goal?) can only last so long.” - November

“Indeed, Avram possesses that Roederian inability to at least acknowledge his team’s failings, choosing instead to patronise the fans with suggestions that we are simply in a false position and that we are absolutely heading in the right direction.” – December

“Why oh why does he think it a good idea to play Victor Obinna, Demba Ba and Zavon Hines in midfield? They are attacking players and Lars Jacobsen and Wayne “skin me if you can ... oh you just did” Bridge were left horribly exposed. The winning goal [by Aston Villa] was the last of numerous examples.” – April

“There can have been few more symbolic moments this season than that at Eastlands two weeks ago, as the pages of Avram Grant’s notebook fell from his grip and blew into the wind. As the camera zoomed in, it transpired that they were blank. Roberto Mancini looked on bemused.” - May

“The manager has never been remotely close to deciding upon his best eleven. Of the ten players that lined up for the first game of the season at Villa Park, only James Tomkins started at the DW Stadium today. And even he has been continually and inexplicably dropped following solid performances.” - May

Hope

“The second half [at Wolves] is unlikely to be bettered for dominance this season. We completely overperformed. Tal-Ben Haim suddenly looked useful. Luis Boa Morte started completing passes. At one point I thought Mike Newell might make a return and hit a shot on target.” - October

“Eight years on from the season in which Rodent managed to sink the unsinkable, there was something cathartic about seeing this suddenly promising-looking set of players get the better of Joe Cole and Glen Johnson.” - February

“The sight of Tomas Repka at Anfield last week brought back unhappy memories of a season, not too dissimilar to the current one, in which West Ham sleepwalked into the Championship. In February 2003, Liverpool came to Upton Park and tore apart a West Ham defence containing Repka, Rufus Brevett and a soon-to-be-retired Nigel Winterburn. Yesterday, with Joe Cole and Glen Johnson having long since swapped claret and blue for red and white, it was Liverpool who were torn apart.” - February

Despair

“Are we really surprised that a side comprising James Milner, Ashley Young and Stilyan Petrov was able to so comfortably beat a team containing James Tomkins, Luis Boa Morte and Radoslav Kovac?” - August

“At present, I feel little affinity with a manager whose appointment I never could fathom and I certainly am not revelling in any kind of underdog status so early in the season. At the Chelsea game though, I was conscious of others already embracing this us-against-them ethos. At the final whistle, a man behind me stood up, pushed out his chest and proudly clapped for what seemed to me like an eternity, bursting with pride at this 3-1 defeat. He presumably saw this as a sign of loyalty. Conversely, I found it a bit embarrassing and symbolic of just how quickly people’s expectations have plummeted.” – September

“If Hitzlsperger were to never make an appearance for West Ham (which in a post-Dean Ashton world genuinely worries me) he would still finish higher in my estimation than Boa Morte. If there was one thing more annoying than watching him continually lose the ball against Fulham, it was having to listen to my dad keeping a tally.” - October

“Tal-Ben Haim: He’s ex-Chelsea, he’s fat, and his one significant contribution to his solitary league appearance was to kick the ball out of play when a Chelsea player fell on the floor. Thanks Tal.” - October

“There were groans aplenty last night (Carlton was again targeted despite being isolated by the 4-3-3 formation) but special groaning was saved for players dithering as they took throw-ins and goal kicks in second-half injury time, arms outstretched querying exactly who amongst their team mates wanted the ball. Piquionne was presumably thinking, I would like the ball but I’ve been stuck out on the wing so it’s a bit tricky. His body language certainly suggested a frustrated man.” - November

“It is a worrying trend this season that we only seem able to play in fits and starts. We are capable of dominating for spells but as soon as we lose our momentum we sit back and allow the opposition to come at us. It is hard to imagine us ever scoring a first-half goal, killing the game and seeing out a one-goal win.” - January

“The season started with a kicking by Aston Villa. It may just have ended thus.” - April

Scott Parker

“Scott Parker’s sublime goal on his 100th appearance for the club would undoubtedly have inspired a team possessing a backbone to victory last night. Alas, we are not that team. As Paul Calf might say, “Inside every bag of shite lies a speck of gold”. The other players must hate him, serving as he does to highlight their own shortcomings.” - November

“There is a growing feeling that Scott may just yet become Premier League player of the year. As a fan, the pride of seeing Scott shine on the international stage was tempered by the fear that he may wake up any day soon and wonder what the hell he is doing at Upton Park.” - March

Strategy

“I am assured that [Pablo Barrera] impressed at the world cup but in all honesty I don’t recall. The fact that he featured predominantly as a substitute in a side that featured Guillermo Franco ... concerns me a bit”. - July

“After Wayne Bridge’s infinitely more hapless debut last Saturday, he picked up £90,000, while his agent preceded to hang the club’s dirty laundry all over TV. A weekend that had started with so much promise, ended with Barry Silkman announcing on At The Races that he had spoken to David Sullivan and that Avram was staying after all. The amateur nature of the communication was symbolic of how the club is being managed.” - January

“There is an argument for sacking Avram. There is an argument for sticking with him. There is not an argument for dithering and allowing uncertainty to rein. The reluctance of Gollivan’s preferred replacements to come anywhere near Upton Park should settle things once for all.” - January

“Julien Faubert sulked and has not been seen since. Multi-million pound signings Winston Reid and Pablo Barrera have disappeared without trace. Benni McCarthy was deemed so awful that we paid him off. How on earth can such mismanagement be allowed to prevail?” - May

“The defensive frailties were all too clear and begged the question why, after just one clean sheet in the last 12 league games, was bolstering the defence not made more of a priority.” - February

Stoke

“Some defeats are harder to take than others. Losing the 2006 FA Cup Final was heartbreaking for obvious reasons, but coming away from Cardiff the next day there was at least a feeling that we had been part of something special which would be remembered for decades to come. Driving back from Stoke on Sunday I felt that we had been part of something ugly that had very little to do with football.” - March

“Pulis’s unimaginative style of play has been talked about by many ad nauseam but that does not make the experience of witnessing it any more tolerable. Only someone with rock-bottom expectations, not only of their football viewing experience, but of their very life would voluntarily give up their Saturday afternoons or worse, travel the country, to watch this anti-football.” - March

“The reality is that if every team played like Stoke, football as we know it would cease to exist. Who could possibly endure that every week? I have witnessed three of the four games against Stoke this season and, including travel and tickets, have spent around £150. To endure that 40 times a season I would need someone to pay me.” - March

Comic Relief

“Clearly my presence at Upton Park does not affect the result (my lucky socks notwithstanding) but the possibility of having sat through endless dire performances over the last year, only to miss our first win over Tottenham for four years makes me feel a little sick.” – September. We beat Tottenham 1-0.

“On Wednesday night an Upton Park-bound District Line train dithered at a red light for the umpteenth time. A West Ham fan commented: “This driver must be a Millwall fan”. A Stoke fan responded: “No, it’s just Avram Grant taking you nowhere”. - October

“Saturday’s match against Wigan is now being marketed as ‘save our season’ day. It will be the second home game I have missed this season, the first being the win over Tottenham, so the omens already look good.” – November. We beat Wigan 3-1.

“For the 1,214th time Hearn has compared us to Tesco; the evil corporation putting the local corner shop out of business. The analogy has been so overused that I’m actually starting to quite like it. Tesco really flatters us, but I feel Budgen’s might be closer to the truth. Or Costcutters.” - February

“If Avram Grant is still in charge in June and you see me renewing my season ticket, buy a gun and shoot me. My father will understand. He is also a season-ticket holder.” - April

Notes on a Scandal

There can have been few more symbolic moments this season than that at Eastlands two weeks ago, as the pages of Avram Grant’s notebook fell from his grip and blew into the wind. As the camera zoomed in, it transpired that they were blank. Roberto Mancini looked on bemused.

Relegation had already become a near certainty long before. This was just another small insight into the cluelessness that is our football club. No doubt, more significant details will emerge over the coming weeks and months now that the end of our six-year tenure in the Premiership is officially over following the shambolic but all too predictable collapse at Wigan.

Football fans are reluctant to admit that ultimately they are ignorant to what goes on behind closed doors and are not best placed to comment on the specifics of how the club is run. I work for a well-known television broadcaster and could give you some interesting insights. I won’t. But I could. I don’t work for West Ham and like all other frustrated fans can only speculate and grab on to those little insights that present themselves from time to time.

My own favourite telling moment of the season was one that I never saw myself but was described to me by an Evertonian friend who visited Upton Park for the 1-1 draw in December. As Victor Obinna lined up to take a free kick in front of the Bobby Moore Stand, the Everton fans looked on at the Inter Milan man with trepidation.

At that moment, Robert Green turned to the Everton fans and palms down, waved his hands and shook his head as if to say, ‘you’ve nothing to worry about’. The Everton fans, unable to comprehend that Green would turn on his own teammate so publicly, started to wildy jeer the West Ham goalkeeper. Obinna duly smashed the ball into orbit. Green turned to the Sir Trevor Brooking Stand, shrugged his shoulders and mouthed ‘told you so’.

It is this disunity that for me has been at the core of our problems this season. Lee Dixon recently visited the training ground and described it as “a total shambles”. According to the report in this weekend’s Daily Telegraph, Dixon said: “Players were arguing with each other, others weren’t trying, some were sulking.”

An afternoon spent in corporate hospitality at last week’s Blackburn game was similarly eye-opening. The set-up of the day was fairly amateur but that was no real surprise. What was quite alarming was the candid words of Hammers legends Phil Parkes and Julian Dicks before the game and at half time.

There was nothing too shocking about the description of Lou Macari as the “poisoned dwarf”, but then came the subject of Avram Grant and Dicksy’s recent interview with him for the position of reserve team manager. Dicks told how it was obvious from the moment he walked in that Grant was not interested and how “as you would expect, he had nothing about him”.

At half time, after 45 minutes of awful but fairly typical football, Parkes began his half-time talk by saying: “I’m as speechless as Avram Grant ... Tosser”. The response was laughter and applause. The brutal honesty was refreshing and I agreed with every word. But on reflection I wondered how a functional football club could allow people on its payroll to belittle the manager like that.

As we left the stadium, I shared in some banter with a few of the staff about how we’d always wanted to go to Barnsley and Coventry. At the time it felt good that we could laugh at our predicament so casually. In hindsight, it seemed sad and endemic of a club with rock-bottom expectations. If relegation is so trivial, what are we all doing here investing so much time and money?

That the line “My dreams, they fade and die” is ingrained in this club like words in a stick of brighton rock, is something I came to accept a long time ago. Now I wonder whether we even bother to dream.

Self-deprecating humour is no new thing. When we were relegated in 1992, the chant was, “We’re going down for the Millwall”. Nearly twenty years on, we cry: “Whatever will be will be / We’re going to Coventry”. All well and good, but give me “Same old West Ham / Taking the piss” any day.

But what else can the fans do but laugh when they’re so helpless to stop this unaccountable madness. The manager has never been remotely close to deciding upon his best eleven. Of the ten players that lined up for the first game of the season at Villa Park, only James Tomkins started at the DW Stadium today. And even he has been continually and inexplicably dropped following solid performances.

Green’s mate Obinna has not even made it on to the subs bench in the last two weeks. Julien Faubert sulked and has not been seen since. Multi-million pound signings Winston Reid and Pablo Barrera have disappeared without trace. Benni McCarthy was deemed so awful that we paid him off. How on earth can such mismanagement be allowed to prevail?

Amongst the furore surrounding Danny Gabbidon’s infamous final tweet, people failed to look past the expletive to read what he actually said: “You just don’t get it do you”. He’s absolutely right. We don’t get it.