Those three words: Four Four Two

As the rain poured down at Stamford Bridge, I couldn’t help but feel Avram Grant should have been holding a brolly. Bad things come in threes, including formations. Only Grant would deem it a good idea for the league’s bottom team to line up at the ground of the league’s most in-form team with three forwards (four by the end of the game).

There were many positive comments from Hammers fans after the Chelsea game, citing several good goal-scoring opportunities. But who did those opportunities fall to? Jonathan Spector. Manu Da Costa. Defensive players. Why did they not fall to Demba Ba? Answer: He was stuck out on the left wing.

It is easy to forget that Chelsea had several good chances themselves: Luiz hit the bar; Gabbidon cleared off the line; Carlton cleared off the line; Malouda hit the side netting when it looked easier to score.

Of course, there is a reason why Grant is increasingly likely to keep playing three forwards. We have lots of them. We don’t have many midfielders. And in Grant’s defence, the signing of Steve Sidwell was vetoed by Karren Brady. How she must regret announcing that in her Sun column.

Given that Scott Parker, Gary O’Neil and Mark Noble are all injured, you can expect to see that formation every game between now and the end of the season. But surely the formation comes first? What next – another midfield injury and we switch to 4-2-4?

Luis Boa Morte may not be everyone’s cup of tea - this blogger included - but he is undoubtedly a fighter, a commodity we are sadly lacking in. The man who played a key part in 2007’s great escape would give much-needed protection to one of the full backs. In recent games, this role has been left to the likes of Victor Obinna, Zavon Hines and Ba. To everyone but Grant, the consequences were obvious.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. I’m not sure Grant has been right once all season. He certainly shouldn’t look to ‘the wally with the brolly’ for inspiration. But if there is another former England manager from whom he could learn a thing or two, it’s Mike Bassett. Even he eventually realised the merits of 4-4-2.

Sweet FA

“U know what, fuck the lot of you, u will never get another tweet from me again, you just don't get it do you. Bye bye.” It’s not exactly what I expect to wake up to when I check my phone on a Sunday morning. Danny Gabbidon has now been charged for his Twitter outburst and can probably expect a punishment similar to Carlton Cole’s £20k fine.

I suspect that an article by Hammers fan Mark Segal in the next edition of When Saturday Comes will articulate the FA’s impossible task of policing footballers on Twitter better than I ever could, so I will avoid getting too sanctimonious.

Gabbidon’s Twitter account was closed later that day. Before it was, I had a look at some of the moronic comments that had been posted on his page. My reaction to Gabbidon’s tweet - having watched the team’s lackluster display the previous day - was, a) finally, a bit of passion, b) why did he endure this mindless abuse for so long?

I have less sympathy for Carlton, whose tweet was pretty braindead and humourless, albeit not particularly offensive. But should the FA really be paying people to police this? These followers are free to stop following these offenders at anytime. As I say, the next edition of When Saturday Comes (25 years old this month) is, as always, worth a read.

Slide Away

“You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking wins.”

- Renton, Trainspotting (1996)

The season started with a kicking by Aston Villa. It may just have ended thus. A day that began with east London bathed in optimistic sunshine, ended with Upton Parked enveloped in ominous clouds. Thank God then for the West Ham owners offering us all a free flag at the turnstile (I thought I’d taken a wrong turn and walked into Stamford Bridge) and for giving the day a theme: ‘Best of British’.

It is unclear exactly what inspired the theme. St George’s Day? The royal wedding? The return of Britain’s Got Talent? Who cares. It was a wonderfully SullivanandGoldian idea and was much more entertaining than the dross we fans endured on the pitch. Before kick off, fans were treated to a montage of classic West Ham moments and stills of great Brits: Winston Churchill, The Beatles, Princess Di, David Bowie, Dame Judi Dench, Stephen Fry, John Barnes, Daley Thompson, Noel Gallagher, The Spice Girls and – wait for it – Chris Evans. Cool Britannia: Lest we forget.

Amongst the West Ham footage were some real gems, not least that long-range Bobby Moore shot at Upton Park that is kind of heading for the top corner but is ultimately easily saved by the keeper. Sadly, the nostalgia couldn’t last forever. Some fans had also turned up to watch a game of football.

West Ham came out of the blocks all guns blazing, with Robbie Keane scoring after just two minutes. It was not a sign of things to come. We were useless for the last 80 minutes. James Collins - an unsung hero in 2007’s miraculous escape - was a tortuous reminder of everything that has gone wrong at this club since Alan Curbishley left. Nigel Reo-Coker was a reminder that Nigel Reo-Coker is a twat. An agricultural tackle that ended Gary O’Neil’s day was the cue for the Bobby Moore Lower to chant: “Do, do, do. Fuck off Reo-Coker”.

After Darren Bent’s equaliser, the only surprise was that it took until second-half stoppage time for Villa to take the lead. What need is there to weep over parts of Avram Grant’s logic? The whole of it calls for tears. But why oh why does he think it a good idea to play Victor Obinna, Demba Ba and Zavon Hines in midfield? They are attacking players and Lars Jacobsen and Wayne “skin me if you can ... oh you just did” Bridge were left horribly exposed. The winning goal was the last of numerous examples.

As was the case in 2003, we seem to be sleepwalking to relegation, and again we are doing so with quality players at our disposal. It is this that makes it all so depressing. If Avram Grant is still in charge in June and you see me renewing my season ticket, buy a gun and shoot me. My father will understand. He is also a season-ticket holder.

On the other side of London that Great Brit Noel Gallagher had a much better day, watching Manchester City reach the FA Cup Final for the first time in 30 years. Meanwhile, the best West Ham team since 2003 heads towards the new Brighton and Hove Albion stadium. Why? I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is Grant’ll take us there.