10 Things I have learned from West Ham Messageboards

With no game this weekend and nothing out of the ordinary having happened last weekend this week’s blog is a little less topical than normal. I could speculate on the wisdom of signing six new players and not selecting one of them in the starting eleven (in favour of Kovac and Boa Morte), but there’s plenty of the season left yet to try to understand how Avram’s mind works.

For now I am pondering the strange phenomenon that is fan websites and, in particular, messageboards. This is the setting for endless unresolved debates carried out by a variety of characters: the rumour monger who bemoans tabloid tittle tattle but still finds time to recount every last story; the depressive who details why we are ultimately doomed; the sentimentalist who wants to know your all time best XI, your first ever game, favourite dog that ran on the pitch; the shameless liar who claims to have inside info on who we are about to sell before going strangely quiet when said info doesn’t materialise; the bitter Sheffield United fan (please excuse the tautology).

I have a love-hate relationship with these sites, choosing mainly to read rather than participate. But as much as they infuriate me they are strangely compelling. Here’s what they have taught me.

1.The only solution to our current problems is to change the starting eleven
Anything remotely analytical, such as “we’re defending too deep”, “we’re not winning the second balls“, “our distribution from the back is poor“, is pretty much forbidden. Any debate focuses solely on personnel. Following the not particularly surprising defeat to Manchester United it was suggested by one person or another on various sites that had any of the following players started, things might well have been different on Saturday: Pablo Barrera, Frederic Piquionne, Winston Reid, Manuel da Costa, Fabio Daprella, Ryan Babel, Guy Demel , Alan Devonshire and Benni McCarthy. Ok so I made the last one up.

2. Spurs fans still don’t consider themselves a top four team
West Ham sites are often infiltrated by rival fans who do not have enough traffic on their own sites to keep themselves occupied. Despite their every comment being aggressively ridiculed (it is generally assumed that they have 12 fingers, are sleeping with their sister or – worst of all – are still at school) they keep coming back for more. Arsenal and Chelsea fans are notable by their absence. They are in a different league to us. Sad but true. You might have expected that, post Champions League qualification, Spurs fans would go away and immerse themselves in their new found status. Alas, no. Methinks they expect their “success” to be fleeting.

3. There is only one thing all West Ham fans agree on – Glenn Roeder
On every issue – be it tactics, Gold and Sullivan, Harry, the Olympic Stadium – opinion is to one degree or another divided, which is of course what makes football football. But on Roeder? No. He is rarely spoken about now; just occasionally used as a benchmark for bad times, eg “Obviously it’s not as bad as under Roeder”, “Obviously I don’t hate him as much as Roeder”, etc. Despite having overseen one of the worst campaigns in our recent history, Zola never really came in for much abuse. I suspect he owes a debt of gratitude to Glenn “Roeder” Rodent.

4. You don’t say a bad word about Sir Trevor Brooking
West Ham fans like banter as much as the next set of fans, but the line is drawn at besmirching Sir Trev.

5. West Ham fans prefer foreign players to English players
Few tears were shed when players who had played an integral part in our success in 2005 and 2006 – Zamora, Harewood, Konchesky, Etherington, Reo Coker – left the club. I suspect the same would be true if Noble were to leave. Yet there were plenty of angry posts this year from fans disgruntled by the departures of Franco and Diamanti. I’m baffled.

6. Sheffield United really hate us
Still. Being hated doesn’t sit that naturally with West Ham fans who are more accustomed to being patronised as a team that “plays nice football”. Personally, I don’t mind a bit of hatred. The fact that it so riles the Blades that since the end of the 2006/07 season we have stayed in the Premier League and they in the Championship is a source of amusement to me. I just wish they would vary their abuse a bit. Remember though, this is one half of the Steel City rivalry in which both sets of fans humorously refer to each other as pigs. “You’re a pig.” “No, you’re a pig”. “No, you’re a pig”. “No ... "

7. Messageboards appeal more to those fans who don’t go to the games
The kind of messages that are posted are not necessarily indicative of the most committed West Ham fans, and by that I mean the type who pay to go to games, not just for their sky sports subscription. One of the obvious tell-tale signs is the number of people who post immediately before, after and even during the game. There is a notable silence when someone posts something specific about a fan’s experience of the game, eg Is the Jubilee line suspended this weekend?, Anyone know any good away pubs near Ewood Park? Shame really, as this kind of information would seem to me to be one of the best uses for a fans’ messageboard.

8. Football fans are incredibly quick to take the bait
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Cyberspace is the perfect place to just ignore idiots without even having to respond to their baiting. Surely the best revenge is to leave the baiter (invariably a bored Millwall fan) dangling, repeatedly pressing the refresh button before giving up to do something more useful like playing with the traffic. In reality most fans choose to rise to the bait, turning the messageboard into nothing more than a playground.

9. West Ham fans don’t particularly like each other
Almost every thread involves some kind of cowardly abuse. Apparently it is acceptable to call someone a tosspiece for either not using punctuation or for criticising someone else who criticised someone else’s punctuation.

10. Jonathan Spector’s mum should be kept away from all West Ham messageboards