Desert-island top ten most memorable red cards

Seven points from a possible nine has allowed West Ham fans to laugh rather than cry at enduring three consecutive games with ten men. Were it not for clueless Millwall, overrated Southampton and impotent Blackpool, fans would now be – quite rightly – bemoaning a complete loss of discipline.

What has been of most concern about a plethora of red cards that now number six, is the petulance of the perpetrators. A professional foul which prevents your opponent from scoring a near-certain goal is forgivable, perhaps even laudable. Sprinting fifteen yards to put your hand in your opponent’s face after your team has been awarded a penalty is, well, a bit stupid.

So let’s take solace in the fact that West Ham’s last automatic promotion came in the 1992/93 season when an ill-disciplined squad racked up five red cards. Three of these dismissals were courtesy of Julian Dicks’s unique style of tackling. Newcastle, Derby and Wolves were all on the receiving end of challenges so unashamedly violent that as a child I would wear out the rewind button on my remote control, enthralled by this spectacle.

The truth is that, aside from the obvious adverse impact it has on the team’s chances of winning, red cards are a lot of fun. If, as was the case on Tuesday night, the team can overcome the odds and actually win, then the fans can revel in their “We’ve Only Got Ten Men!”, David-vs-Goliath status.

Below are my favourite, most memorable, infamous – label them what you want – red cards from 20 years of following those bastards in the claret and blue.

1. Tony Gale vs Nottingham Forest, FA Cup semi final, April 1991

20 minutes in to the game, Galey bundles over Gary Crosby and is sent off. West Ham never recover and are hammered 4-0.

It may be heresy to say so but by the letter of the law referee Keith Hackett probably got it right. The problem was, the law had barely come in to force at the time, and fans were left bewildered that their big day had been ruined before it had even got started.

That feeling that the world is against West Ham has never really left me.

2. Julian Dicks, five red cards, 1988-1999

Julian’s red cards were always entertaining, but his last one against Arsenal in September 1995 was particularly amusing. It was not so much the crime itself, as the fact that reshuffling the team led to goalkeeper Les Sealey playing outfield.

So back in the days of three substitutes, Harry would include a goalkeeper. Fast forward to 2012 and Big Sam cannot find room for a goalie on a bench comprising five subs. We never get it right, do we?

3. Tony Cottee vs Liverpool, September 1994

This list is loosely in chronological order. Were it listed by favourites, this would be top of the pile.

TC returns to West Ham after a six-year spell at Everton. On his second Hammers debut back in Merseyside, he is chopped down by a Liverpool defender (Rob Jones?), but inexplicably the referee does not award a free kick. Cottee decides there is only one thing for it and throws his body (two) feet first into the aforementioned Liverpool defender.

It’s the sort of thing you would expect to see on the school playground and was made all the more amusing by the fact that it was carried out by West Ham’s Gary Lineker. Never sent off before. Never sent off again.

4. Don Hutchison vs Leicester City, November 1994

There were fireworks on 5 November 1994 as Don Hutchison left the Upton Park pitch for an early shower with Harry’s voice ringing in his ear. From the start of the game it was clear that Hutchison’s head was somewhere else. He seemed intent on kicking anyone he could. Before the game had even reached half time he received two bookings.

Despite his suspect temperament, that was the Scot’s only dismissal over 74 games in a claret and blue shirt.

5. Alvin Martin and Tim Breacker v Sheffield Wednesday, January 1995

Lee Probert is the referee that West Ham fans love to hate right now but back in the mid-nineties it was Paul Danson.

I may have alienated myself from all other Hammers’ fans with my earlier comments about Tony Gale but rest assured I know whose side I am on when it comes to Alvin Martin’s red card. Everyone’s favourite scouser brought down a Sheffield Wednesday player (Mark Bright?) on the halfway line. Danson interpreted this as a goalscoring opportunity and Martin was given his marching orders.

For good measure Breacker was also dismissed for two soft yellow cards. Full marks to Breacker for strolling back into position after the second yellow card as if it were his first. Danson was stupid alright, but Graham Poll he was not, and the red card duly followed.

Danson’s Wikipedia page probably puts it more diplomatically than I could: “his performances did not always find favour”. Indeed they did not.

6. Marco Boogers, Jeroen Boere and Tomas Repka sent off on their debuts

For someone who never even started a game for West Ham, Marco Boogers retains a great notoriety amongst Hammers and non-Hammers fans alike. So it wasn't technically his debut but in the second of his four substitute appearances Boogers was dismissed for a foul on Gary Neville during a game in August 1995.

Dutchman Jeroen Boere had already gone one better, receiving a red card on his debut against Newcastle in September 1993. Boere did redeem himself somewhat though, notching 7 goals in his subsequent 17 appearances.

But the award for getting off on the wrong foot has to go to Tomas Repka. The mental Czech was sent off in two of his first three games, the second of which compounded the misery of a 7-1 drubbing in Blackburn. Thankfully Repka phased his next two red cards over the course of four years.

7. John Hartson vs Bolton Wanderers, February 1998

West Ham fans went wild with anger as Hartson was cruelly dismissed. Home rules. You don’t know what you’re doing.

When we arrived home just in time for Match of the Day we saw close up the fiery Welshman elbow his opponent (Per Frandsen?) in the face. Bless him.

8. Shaka Hislop, Steve Lomas, Ian Wright all sent off in the same match, May 1999

We lost 5-1 to Leeds. At home. It was a horrible day. Let’s move on.

9. Jermain Defoe, three red cards in three months, autumn 2003

David Sullivan recently complained that Scott Parker pushed through a transfer by refusing to tackle in the opening games of West Ham’s return to the second tier. That’s nothing compared to the behaviour of Defoe.

So indifferent was Defoe to West Ham’s promotion campaign, that he allowed himself to be sent off three times in 12 games.

In a career that spanned 20 years Alvin Martin only accrued one more red card than that.

Alvin Martin is a hero. Jermain Defoe can be summed up by another four-letter word.

10. Freddie Piquionne vs Everton, January 2011

West Ham are fighting for their lives at Goodison Park. Bottom of the table, a win would bring them level on points with 17th-placed Birmingham.

Having held a lead since the 26th minute, Everton equalise with just 13 minutes remaining. With five minutes to go, Freddie Piquionne grabs what must surely be the winner. Already booked, he jumps into the crowd to celebrate and is duly dismissed. With no attacking outlet, Everton bombard the West Ham defence and the inevitable injury-time equaliser follows.

Fortune’s always hiding, and all that.

In April 2012, the writer of this blog will be running the London Marathon with the aim of raising £2,500 for the Anthony Nolan charity. To donate, please click here.

Rebel Ravel

After the Millwall game passed off without anyone stabbing anyone else, I expressed my hope that we could now concentrate on matters on the pitch. Sadly, the pitch in question was frozen solid and as a result 5,000 West Ham fans woke on Saturday morning to the news that they would have to entertain themselves this weekend.

Having arrived in Peterborough the night before and experienced first hand the tortuous -10 temperatures, I cannot help but feel that London Road’s lack of undersoil heating was a blessing in disguise.

Postponement or not, my hope that West Ham’s football could do the talking between now and the end of the season was dashed almost as soon as it had been stated, due to a man who lets his Twitter account do the talking: @RavelMorrison49.

The FA have asked Morrison to explain himself after he posted the following charming message to an idiot who successfully tempted him in to taking the bait: "Go suck out u little faggot your a guy that talks if u see me you try slap me I'm in manchester every week".

At the risk of belittling the issue of homophobia – faggot is a vile word and I cringe every time I read Morrison’s tweet – my immediate concern was the reputation of my football club.

For various reasons – the Tevez saga, the financial mismanagement of the Icelandic owners, the disastrous rein of Avram Grant – West Ham has been talked about over the last five years for all the wrong reasons.

Since Sam Allardyce took over as manager, the focus has been solely on returning to the Premier League. As we approach the final furlong of the season, needless distractions are unwelcome. There is a very simple way to nip this particular issue in the bud. Ban Morrison from using Twitter.

In a recent interview, Joey Barton argued that controlling what footballers can and cannot tweet infringes their "freedom of speech". Apply this concern to Syrian dissidents, and the argument holds. Apply it to millionaire footballers with nothing better to tweet about than Take Me Out or The Only Way Is Essex, and it seems ever so slightly laughable.

And there’s the rub. Based on the contents of Morrison’s Twitter timeline, this is a man of limited intelligence with nothing noteworthy to say. Even after faggotgate blew up, his tweets still include pictures of people (friends, hopefully), with captions such as: "Loook like a pedo on this hahahaha."

Is the more private medium of Facebook not a better platform for what Morrison and his mates would presumably describe as “banter”? The club would not allow Morrison to display his immaturity like this in a television interview or in a national newspaper, so why let him do it in front of 67,000 followers and millions more onlookers?

Football clubs seem to have failed to grasp that Twitter is not a niche fad, but another mass medium, one that has a far greater reach than any newspaper or television channel.

Sam Allardyce’s response was worryingly complacent.

"We've had an eye on Twitter this season but mostly the concern is divulging anything about the football club ... all [Ravel] needs to do is learn his lessons."

Judging by Morrison’s retweeting of a supporter bemoaning the FA’s interference on this matter, it seems fair to say that no lessons have been learned by an angry young man who thinks the world is against him.

Doubtless, Allardyce would respond by saying he has enough on his plate without having to worry about Twitter. Which is exactly why the club should shut down Morrison’s account.

West Ham’s Care in the Community programme should not be extended to its own players. If Morrison needs someone to explain to him why he shouldn’t call someone on Twitter a faggot, then he should be prevented from repeating the mistake. For it is inevitable that he will.

Morrison would do well to revisit a tweet he wrote when he first joined the club: "Appreciate the people who have wished me luck with the move to west ham just need to get my head down and play now and show everyone." Quite.

In April 2012, the writer of this blog will be running the London Marathon with the aim of raising £2,500 for the Anthony Nolan charity. To donate, please click here.