“You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking wins.”
- Renton, Trainspotting (1996)
The season started with a kicking by Aston Villa. It may just have ended thus. A day that began with east London bathed in optimistic sunshine, ended with Upton Parked enveloped in ominous clouds. Thank God then for the West Ham owners offering us all a free flag at the turnstile (I thought I’d taken a wrong turn and walked into Stamford Bridge) and for giving the day a theme: ‘Best of British’.
It is unclear exactly what inspired the theme. St George’s Day? The royal wedding? The return of Britain’s Got Talent? Who cares. It was a wonderfully SullivanandGoldian idea and was much more entertaining than the dross we fans endured on the pitch. Before kick off, fans were treated to a montage of classic West Ham moments and stills of great Brits: Winston Churchill, The Beatles, Princess Di, David Bowie, Dame Judi Dench, Stephen Fry, John Barnes, Daley Thompson, Noel Gallagher, The Spice Girls and – wait for it – Chris Evans. Cool Britannia: Lest we forget.
Amongst the West Ham footage were some real gems, not least that long-range Bobby Moore shot at Upton Park that is kind of heading for the top corner but is ultimately easily saved by the keeper. Sadly, the nostalgia couldn’t last forever. Some fans had also turned up to watch a game of football.
West Ham came out of the blocks all guns blazing, with Robbie Keane scoring after just two minutes. It was not a sign of things to come. We were useless for the last 80 minutes. James Collins - an unsung hero in 2007’s miraculous escape - was a tortuous reminder of everything that has gone wrong at this club since Alan Curbishley left. Nigel Reo-Coker was a reminder that Nigel Reo-Coker is a twat. An agricultural tackle that ended Gary O’Neil’s day was the cue for the Bobby Moore Lower to chant: “Do, do, do. Fuck off Reo-Coker”.
After Darren Bent’s equaliser, the only surprise was that it took until second-half stoppage time for Villa to take the lead. What need is there to weep over parts of Avram Grant’s logic? The whole of it calls for tears. But why oh why does he think it a good idea to play Victor Obinna, Demba Ba and Zavon Hines in midfield? They are attacking players and Lars Jacobsen and Wayne “skin me if you can ... oh you just did” Bridge were left horribly exposed. The winning goal was the last of numerous examples.
As was the case in 2003, we seem to be sleepwalking to relegation, and again we are doing so with quality players at our disposal. It is this that makes it all so depressing. If Avram Grant is still in charge in June and you see me renewing my season ticket, buy a gun and shoot me. My father will understand. He is also a season-ticket holder.
On the other side of London that Great Brit Noel Gallagher had a much better day, watching Manchester City reach the FA Cup Final for the first time in 30 years. Meanwhile, the best West Ham team since 2003 heads towards the new Brighton and Hove Albion stadium. Why? I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is Grant’ll take us there.
