Scott Parker’s sublime goal on his 100th appearance for the club would undoubtedly have inspired a team possessing a backbone to victory last night. Alas, we are not that team. As Paul Calf might say, “Inside every bag of shite lies a speck of gold”. The other players must hate him, serving as he does to highlight their own shortcomings.
Say what you like about Gold and Sullivan’s impact so far but during their tenure the West Ham machine has become adept at looking on the bright side. The lead-up to last night’s game was a case in point. To the average man on the street, an inability to sell enough tickets would seem like a bad thing. On the contrary, fans “will be able to pay on the day” boasted the website.
Despite this valiant marketing, gaps that would put Scott Carson’s teeth to shame remained in the stands. I was just waiting for the PA Announcer to gloss over this: “The West Stand Upper Tier is only half-full tonight giving you fans the ideal opportunity to stretch out”. More likely might have been a new promotion appearing on the website telling fans that if they arrive at half time they can get in for £5, such is the desperation to get bums on seats.
“With demand expected to be high, fans are advised to get to the stadium early”, continued the West Brom promotion, with no explanation for the assumption that a last-minute rush of people suddenly desperate to part with their money and embrace the cold weather was somehow inevitable.
“Supporters should also note that this match will not be televised, as previously advertised”. Call me a cynic but I cannot help but wonder whether this actually ever happened, or whether in fact this was a ploy to make fans feel ok about not having snapped up tickets sooner. I suspect the Manchester derby was always favourite for the live slot.
No matter how bad things are going it’s impossible to arrive at Upton Park of an evening and not feel a sense of optimism. The morning after the night before, such innocence now seems a lifetime away. Before the game I had nothing better to worry about than the price of pies in the stadium. My dad was concerned they had become too expensive. I reassured him that if you are going to pay over the odds on, it might as well be on something that boosts the club’s coffers. He bought two.
The first half had all the frustrations of the opening hour against Stoke a couple of weeks ago. Avram’s tactical nous came to the fore as he instructed Piquionne and Pablo “Where Angels Fear to Stick Their Toe In” Barrera to switch wings. Unfortunately, West Brom were wise to this cunning plan, and only a rocket from Scotty could bring us to parity.
Without wishing to sound rude, gormless is the best way I can think to describe Avram. I’m not even entirely sure what gormless means (what is a gorm and is it something to aspire to?) but there is something about watching him on the sideline that makes me think, yeah, you don’t really know what you’re doing do you, mate.
There were groans aplenty last night (Carlton was again targeted despite being isolated by the 4-3-3 formation) but special groaning was saved for players dithering as they took throw-ins and goal kicks in second-half injury time, arms outstretched querying exactly who amongst their team mates wanted the ball. Piquionne was presumably thinking, I would like the ball but I’ve been stuck out on the wing so it’s a bit tricky. His body language certainly suggested a frustrated man.
Amongst all this directionless mess there is Scott Parker, possibly the greatest leader in the Premier League to find himself without the armband. At half time Foo Fighters’ My Hero was played out over the tannoy. Coincidence or not, it seemed a fitting paean for a player who - a move to Tottenham notwithstanding - is already assured of legendary status amongst West Ham fans.
There is an alternative
If, like me, you are struggling with the idea of enduring another 90 minutes of dross this Saturday, there are other things going on in east London this weekend.
Ice Skating, Canary Wharf
The 13th Newham Scout Group, Stratford
Aaj Kal: Current affairs in Bengali, East India Dock Road
Ab Blast, East Ham Leisure Centre
Ale Douvan African Dancing, Kingsley Hall Community Centre
Pantomime, Upton Park, 3-5pm
